Various conservationists, scientists and other men with beards and glasses are over the moon to have discovered this new species of Giant Fucking Rat
Why is this something to be celebrated I have no idea. The idea of enormous rodent vermin taking over the earth is one that has plagued my nightmares since childhood - given the propensity of rats to breed and spread by next Christmas it will no doubt be a reality
I would suggest you all invest in one of these quite fucking sharpish…
Predictably, I fucking hate Christmas. If I wanted to sit on my arse all day eating rich food, drinking until I have gout and trying desperately to amuse myself with pointless diversions I would have been an aristocrat in 18th century France.
Have you had your works “do” yet? I bet it was great wasn’t it? Loads of people you already have to put up with all day, every day (except now it’s on your own time and you are expected to buy a drink for that fat cunt from accounts as well) crammed into an over-loud bar and all sweating onto each other, talking about work and having a jolly old fucking time indeed. Hateful, hateful extravaganzas… I’m not going to ours this year, as I think I’d rather die of rectal haemorrhaging in prison than attend another.
At least we aren’t expected to send xmas cards around the office this year (which lets me off the hook as I never send the fuckers anyway), as instead we have decided to take the money we would normally have spent on cards and give it to a “worthwhile charity”.
This suits me as I spend fuck all a year on cards, so I’m just going to send the charity a note saying “pull yourself up by your damn bootstraps man!” instead.
YO HO FUCKING HO….
Dear Mr Geldof
A merry yuletide season to you!!
I am sure you share my continuing surprise regarding the fortunes of much of the African Continent. It would seem that despite your best efforts over the past 20 odd years the fortunes of this blighted continent have not appeared to rise in parallel to your own. I am sure that your consternation matches mine in this matter.
Ever since you were catapulted into obscurity following your all too short period of fame with the popular beat-combo “the Boom Town Rats” (and who can ever forget that one famous song you did?) you have worked tirelessly to publicise the cause of the continent and it’s people, no doubt to the detriment of your career. Who knows how big “the Rats” could have one day become had you not chosen your selfless path? You may even perhaps one day have played to “sold out” audiences in medium sized industrial towns and other dizzying heights of rock and roll fame.
Instead of this you selflessly turned your back on all this glory just to help other people. I admire you Mr Geldof, I really do. Yet, at the same time I worry so much about you too. I still see you on TV, with your wild ragged hair and crumpled linen suits, shouting incoherently at the camera like some kind of filthy Eurotrash tramp. Are you taking on too much work? Perhaps next year you could let someone else arrange any concerts you are planning to “raise awareness” of any one of the seemingly endless good causes you have attached yourself to. My only regret is that you might not continue to be the familiar happy, charming face that I so readily identify with “Celebrity Charity Events” and other such fine works.
Your philanthropy and sacrifice takes my breath away. How much must you despise the trappings that your estimated £30 million wealth could purchase for you? I imagine your every waking moment is consumed with grief and regret that those poor, poor people in
I must be awful for someone like you, someone who, by a cursory appraisal of their public image at least, is so clearly just some kind hippy at heart and obviously not some kind of capitalist, opportunistic, swindling scoundrel who has quite clearly realised he has got himself onto a good thing and just can’t help himself from feeding on it like a pig at a fucking trough.
Also, on an unrelated but niggling note, could I point out an inconsistency with your famous “Band Aid” song, specifically the lyrics “There won’t be snow in
But that doesn’t fucking rhyme very well does it?
Yours sincerely (and a merry Christmas!)
Fat Edgar
P.S. Yes, I do think you are a cunt.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/cavorting slappers
What I really, really want is for you to just die quietly you awful bunch of shrieking hags.
Actually I don’t want you to die, I just want you to plunge into obscurity, despite the best efforts of publicists and your tireless self promotion. I want you to be recognised for the sheer scale of your mediocrity. I want you to be a laughing stock. I want you to be the raddled old has-beens they have to shoe horn into “Celebrity” reality shows. I want you to be at the bottom of the bill forever, below the fucking Krankies. I want you to be the new “Roly Polys”. In ten years time I want to see a TV special about you in which one of you died of a drug overdose and the other was strangled to death by a “client”. I want the world to laugh in your fucking faces, just for being what you are.
Word cannot express the loathing and contempt I feel for these particular women.
It’s so extreme that some years go when Omar Bakri Mohammed said that one of his first acts when he got into power would be to behead them, I actually warmed to him quite a lot…
I particularly hate the continued use of their ridiculous twee nicknames- in fact, might I suggest more appropriate alternatives that match my rather cursory examination of their current physical state?
“Planet of the Apes Spice” (Victoria Beckham)
“Rustie Lee Spice” (Mel B)
“Council House Self Harming Mother of Seven Spice” (Mel C)
“Pub Landlady Spice” (Emma Bunton)
“Rod
Granted, they are a bit unwieldy, but so much more appropriate
