this could be my fortune...

Many thanks to those people who contacted me requiring more information about the use of large brass hounds as a fitness aid. Due to your enthusiasm and the encouragement I received I am planning my presentation for “Dragons Den” now. I’m planning a range of different sizes and weights of brass hounds, from Chihuahuas for weak asthmatic children to Irish wolf hounds for Steroid freaks.

I hope that within a year (two at most) talk of brass hounds will be as common in the workplace as talk of gym memberships, squash games and Pilates classes are now- “Oh hi there Nick-how’s the brass hound training going? Not bad at all thanks Bill-I’ve just moved up to a red setter this week…”Phew, good work Nick!””

It will be worth it purely for the reactions from the “Dragons”. I long to see Duncan “Popeye” Bannatyne cravenly begging me for the opportunity to invest so he can incorporate them into his “Leisure Empire” whilst that dreadful sour faced old harridan in the grey baggy suit looks on, looking like she’s desperately holding in a four day old curry shit.

I wouldn’t let Peter Jones invest though, as he is a cunt. I’m not sure what it is about him, but whenever I see him, and regardless of what he is saying or doing, all I can see and hear is a small fat toddler, covered in it’s own shit, in a nappy shouting “Look at me mummy! Look at me! I DID A POO! I’m a clever boy! Look at me! Look at me!”.

I find it amusing that the “Dragons” themselves, for all their arrogance and swagger, never seem to get into the lists published of the super rich of the world-those that contain Bill Gates, Roman Abramovich, Lakshmi Mittal, The Sultan of Brunei and so forth. In those kind of circles these appalling near-caricatures of capitalism would rank only slightly above white trash lottery winners in mock Tudor Essex mansions.

What I’d like to see is someone extremely successful (and seemingly not as much of a cunt) like Richard Branson appearing on “Dragons Den” and saying “this is my new idea-it’s worth a fortune and it’s all mine, you utter scoundrels, and you can all beg like the craven spavined mongrels that you are for the scraps from my dinner table, for I AM A SELF MADE MAN AND I COULD BUY YOU!”.