Gordon Ramseys Home Invasion

I deeply admire Gordon Ramsey-he looks like the bastard offspring of John Mills and Frankenstein’s Monster and (along with Duncan Banntyne) he uses his Scottishness as a weapon against his enemies…

However, I feel it unfair that his anger and deeply inventive invective should only be directed towards those that are unlucky enough to work in the professional kitchens he frequents -I’m all for him being given a fair chance to be equally unpleasant to everybody in the country.

I’ve had an idea for a live TV show in which Gordon Ramsey bursts into random peoples kitchens (selected by a lottery of the electoral register) whilst they are making their tea and subjects them to torrents of personal abuse.

I think it would add a fantastic sense of apprehension if you turned the program on, or were in the kitchen making your tea, not knowing whether tonight he would be visiting your house, kicking your door down and screaming:

“Call that a fucking stew? It looks like a fucking retard came in and fucked it up the arse!!!” and then throwing it at you and stabbing you in the chest with a fork repeatedly whilst crying and shouting “Don’t you care about food you stupid cunt? WELL FUCKING DON’T YOU?”

Idle foolish nonsense, in no particular order

There’s been a number of recent news articles about military pensions (or lack of) for ex-servicemen.

The problem with this is it raises a very emotional argument regarding those who “served their country” and those who did not.

Without belittling the role and commitment of our military personnel, I think someone who has worked all their life and paid taxes has “served their country” as much as someone who spent 5 years of their youth getting arseholed and picking fights in Catterick, and has as much right to demand a reasonable pension, even if they have never worn a uniform. Unlike the young princes William and harry who appear to have worn most military uniforms currently available, in addition to ones from the Third Reich.

It’s different for those who have actually served in a distinctly unpleasant environment (whether it was WWII, Aden, Korea, Falklands, Iraq, Afghanistan etc.)-there should be a degree of repayment for their sacrifice.

Not sure how we’d work it out who is owed how though. On reflection, the best idea I can come up is to have some kind of pro-rata system that took into account how many Germans you had killed.

I would suggest an extra stipend of £25 per week, per enemy casualty. In order to make it fair and to prevent fraud each veteran will have to present the DHSS with the left ear(s) of each German.

In other news I’m also slightly concerned that nearly 120 extremely dangerous lunatics escaped from custody last year. That’s one every few days isn’t it? Quite alarming-it’s a good job we were warned about it when it happened otherwise who knows what might have happened?? These aren’t common or garden lunatics either-these are proper "Silence of the Lambs" type batshit psycho crazy lunatics.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/todayI'm cured now doctor, CURED I SAY!!!!

I’m going to sound like the Daily Mail again, but perhaps there’s an argument that says “If over the period of less than 10 years someone murders their baby brother, then cuts their hand off, then shows no remorse, then amasses a huge collection of pornography and violent films, then propositions female staff, then subsequently escapes and then rapes a 14 year old girl at knifepoint, then perhaps “therapy” might not be the most appropriate solution for the individual in question?”

I might go as far as to say “After 10 years, it really isn’t fucking working is it?” AND they didn’t even try to remove bits of his brain for Christ’s sake-what has happened to modern psychotherapy? In my day, we’d have had most of his prefrontal cortex in a jar before you could say “Jack Robinson”.

Similarly, (from the same article) taking paedophiles out for a weekly drink for no their reason than “because it’s nice for them to get out” seems like it could be a potentially foolish idea, particularly when it transpires they subsequently escape when you take them to the fucking zoo.

It’s nice to see the institutions in question are concerned about this, although they have said in their defence that it’s because they are “dealing with complex people” (not really-they seem quite straightforward to me) who have “autistic spectrum disorders” (a bit above and beyond being a trainspotter isn’t it?) and their “primary aim is therapeutic, to help people grow in their independence” (and make a successful escape).

How about that for a lot of completely politically correct bollocks? As a mission statement I think it needs some work, something along the lines of “We will keep all our maniacs under lock and key at all times” would be considerably more reassuring.

Surely it can only be a matter of time until medical science accepts my ideas (controversial though they are) that these kind of psychological aberrations are not caused by traumatic experiences, or chemical imbalances or any of that bollocks but instead by devils, demons and evil imps that must be scourged, whipped and forced from them into the incandescent fires of a righteous and just God.

Finally, I’m not sure what the hell this person’s state’s motto is:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/the whole damn country is "deliverance"

But I’m fairly sure it’s something similar to: “Proud to be backward” or “Don’t let the sun set on you this town, Jew-boy Nigger lovin’ faggot”

The rules of modern grammar

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/"I" before "E" except after...oh just fuck off...

This reminds me-I can never remember the correct uses of the words “Pedant” and “Irritating small minded cunt with nothing better to do except hinder the development of language”. Still, that ain’t never minded me beforetimes…

A few very unkind words on the subject of Bret Michaels

As I’ve mentioned, I’m currently watching “Rock of Love” starring Bret Michaels, purveyor of dreadful saccharine rock and one time “Love God”.

I’ve been looking at pictures of Bret from the 1980’s in which he was undeniably a good looking fella, albeit in an extremely camp pretty boy way. I've found a few pictures of him from thsi era- notice the clear blue eyes and toned body...

It’s very different from the Bret we see now. His official age is about 45, so I think realistically we can add another 5 years to that.

He has had so much dreadful plastic surgery that he resembles a startled cat, has long, lank hair and blurred jowly features. When not covered by sunglasses, his eyes are a faded blue and have bags like Melvyn Bragg’s underneath them. He appears to even sleep wearing a bandana which I strongly suspect disguises an extremely receding hairline.

He’s got a double chin, the beginning of man boobs and the paunch of a middle aged man. He wears long sleeved sweatshirts to cover flabby arms and his stomach and jeans that are far, far too tight.

He has the look of a sad, tired, washed up old drunk. A fat old Falstaff type character who is jaded and all but destroyed by their hedonistic lifestyle, yet is now vainly searching for some kind of love and meaning, yet is constantly defeated and betrayed by life and his own sheer idiot fuckwittedness.

A confused and misled old man is courted by a group of distinctly unpleasant and treacherous women, each of which claims to be profoundly attracted to him (despite most of them not being actually alive when he was still good looking) whilst obviously trying to further their own media and/or pornogrpahic careers. Basically, it's King Lear but with fucking...

It’s absolutely fucking brilliant.

It's Schadenfreude in its highest, most perfect and beautiful form- the show should really be called “There’s no fool like an old fool”.

edit-just noticed i made two allusions to Shakespeare-I'm a right clever cunt, me...

What the hideous blue engorged fucking cock is this???

It appears you now need a degree qualification to be an unfunny attention seeking pillock…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/sussex/its still 1950 you know...

Butlin's list of Alumni is amazing too-it looks almost everyone who (with few notable exceptions)

a) Hasn’t been funny over the last 40 years and is

b) Also a cunt has been a redcoat at some point in their career.

Eager to follow in Darren Day’s footsteps and become a Z list celebrity love rat I logged onto the Butlin's website to look for vacancies. Unfortunately the only jobs that seem to be currently available are in the security team. Undeterred, I wonder how many high ranking police personnel started their careers as Butlin’s security staff? Not too fucking many, I’ll wager…

Butlin’s itself looks truly dreadful-if I owned Hell and Butlin’s, I’d live in Hell and rent out Butlin’s… Containing everything that an undemanding underclass would want, it looks like “Gregg’s the bakers”, but with a log flume.

I was hideously enticed however by "Butlin's Adult Weekends" which I though was a euphemism for some kind of dreadful swinging thing, but the reality is much, much worse than even that.

Fancy a night of Toby Anstis, Right Said Fred and Anita Doth (she’s from 2Unlimited apparently)? No, I didn’t think so-which makes me wonder exactly who would?

Do people still go to these places? Clearly they must as there are still three of them open and running, but I’m still at a loss as to why you would want to give up even a small amount of your life in exchange for this kind of deeply, deeply awful experience.