What a lovely day-a nice shiny new president in the US and tonight we will burn the effigies of long dead catholic insurrectionists…

My grasp of realpolitik isn’t as great as it could be, but I’ve just had a browse of the responses made around the world about the Obama win. I’ve listed them here, with what I think they actually meant:

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER JOHN McCAIN

"We have come to the end of a long journey. The American people have spoken and they have spoken clearly.
"This campaign was and will remain the great honour of my life. My heart is filled with nothing but gratitude for the experience, and to the American people for giving me a fair hearing before deciding that Senator Obama and my old friend Senator Joe Biden should have the honour of leading us for the next four years."

I’m old and very tired. Can I come back indoors now please?

US PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH

"Mr President-elect, congratulations to you. What an awesome night for you, your family and your supporters.
"I promise to make this a smooth transition. You are about to go on one of the great journeys of life. Congratulations and go enjoy yourself."

I’ve already done a poo in the kettle…

UK PRIME MINISTER GORDON BROWN

"This is a moment that will live in history as long as history books are written.
"Barack Obama ran an inspirational campaign, energising politics with his progressive values and his vision for the future."

I thinkI love you, my sweet Black Tony…

EUROPEAN COMMISSION CHIEF JOSE MANUEL BARROSO

"This is a time for a renewed commitment between Europe and the United States of America. We need to change the current crisis into a new opportunity. We need a new deal for a new world.
"I sincerely hope that with the leadership of President Obama, the United States of America will join forces with Europe to drive this new deal - for the benefit of our societies, for the benefit of the world."

Thank fuck for that…Can we have our soldiers back now please?

KENYAN PRESIDENT MWAI KIBAKI

"The victory of Senator Obama is our own victory because of his roots here in Kenya. As a country, we are full of pride for his success.
"I am confident that your presidency shall herald a new chapter of dialogue between the American people and the world at large."

Will you buy our goats? Fine goats…

FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT NELSON MANDELA

"Your victory has demonstrated that no person anywhere in the world should not dare to dream of wanting to change the world for a better place.
"We wish you strength and fortitude in the challenging days and years that lie ahead."

You didn’t get Ladysmith Black Mambazo-I did. 1-0 to me, Mr Obama…

ISRAELI FOREIGN MINISTER TZIPI LIVNI

"Israel expects the close strategic co-operation with the new administration, president and Congress will continue along with the continued strengthening of the special and unshakeable special relationship between the two countries."

We still need your taxes. Please don’t leave us. Oh God, we're fucked now...

PALESTINIAN LEADER MAHMOUD ABBAS

"President Abbas congratulates US President-elect Barack Obama in his name and in the name of the Palestinian people, and hopes he will speed up efforts to achieve peace, particularly since a resolution of the Palestinian problem and the Israeli-Arab conflict is key to world peace."

Please leave Israel…

ADVISER TO IRAQI PRIME MINISTER NOURI MALIKI, SADEQ RIQABI
"The American people have presented a tremendous example to the world by ignoring racist attitudes - and this is an unprecedented example of democracy.
"We in Iraq, with our newly-born democracy, look forward to working with the United States."

Please leave Iraq…

AFGHAN PRESIDENT HAMID KARZAI

"I applaud the American people for their great decision and I hope that this new administration in the United States of America, and the fact of the massive show of concern for human beings and lack of interest in race and colour while electing the president, will go a long way in bringing the same values to the rest of world sooner or later.
"I [hope] President Obama's coming into office will bring peace to Afghanistan, life to Afghanistan and prosperity to the Afghan people and to the rest of the world."

Please leave Afghanistan…

ARAB LEAGUE SECRETARY GENERAL AMR MUSA

"I stress the importance of the message that Mr Obama has never ceased to send, which is we all need change and that is what we do expect from the new leader of the United States.
"We need an American policy based on honest brokership."

Please just get the fuck out of the Middle East…

INDIAN PRIME MINISTER MANMOHAN SINGH

"Your extraordinary journey to the White House will inspire people not only in your country but also around the world."

Who do you think you are? Fucking Ghandi? You’re not Ghandi-fuck off.


PAKISTANI PRIME MINISTER YOUSUF RAZA GILANI

"Your election marks a new chapter in the remarkable history of the United States. For long, the ideas of democracy, liberty and freedom espoused by the United States has been a source of inspiration. I hope that under your dynamic leadership, the United States will continue to be a source of global peace and new ideas for humanity."

Give us gold and you can use our airbases…

POPE BENEDICT'S SPOKESMAN REV FEDERICO LOMBARDI

"Believers are praying that God will enlighten him and help him in his great responsibility, which is enormous because of the global importance of the United States. We hope Obama can fulfil the expectations and hopes that many have in him."

Are you one of our flock my son? Don't fuck with us...

RUSSIAN DEPUTY FOREIGN MINISTER GRIGORY KARASIN

"The news we are receiving on the results of the American presidential election shows that everyone has the right to hope for a freshening of US approaches to all the most complex issues, including foreign policy and therefore relations with the Russian Federation as well."

Wishing you great welcomes in land of Glorious non-Soviet revolution and ugly people with steel teeth… You have vodka? We swap for missiles…

FRENCH PRESIDENT NICOLAS SARKOZY

"I give you my warmest congratulations and, through me, those of all French people. Your brilliant victory rewards a tireless commitment to serve the American people.
"By choosing you, the American people have chosen change, openness and optimism. At a time when all of us must face huge challenges together, your election raises great hope in France, in Europe and elsewhere in the world."

‘Allo-we may still need your help to bail us out in the event of another World War…

GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL

"The world faces significant challenges at the start of your term. I am convinced that Europe and the United States will work closely and in a spirit of mutual trust together to confront new dangers and risks and will seize the opportunities presented by our global world."

We’re thinking of starting another World War-would you like to be on our side this time?

DUTCH PRIME MINISTER JAN PETER BALKENENDE

"The necessity for co-operation between Europe and the United States is bigger than ever. Only by close transatlantic co-operation can we face the world's challenges."

We have diamonds and the finest prostitutes in the world. Please don’t bomb us.

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER

"I look forward to meeting with the president-elect so that we can continue to strengthen the special bond that exists between Canada and the United States."

Another fuckwit from south of the border-does this one think he's a fucking cowboy too?

CHINESE PRESIDENT HU JINTAO

"In a new historical era, I look forward to taking our bilateral relationship of constructive co-operation to a new level."

I am Chinese, we are many… fuck you, Black Gweilo…

AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER KEVIN RUDD

"Forty-five years ago Martin Luther King had a dream of an America where men and women would be judged not on the colour of their skin but on the content of their character.
"Today what America has done is turn that dream into a reality."

G’day mate-what’s that you say Skippy? A fuckin’ Abo in the White House? Strewth!!

JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER TARO ASO

"As the world faces many difficult issues, I am sure that the United States, under the excellent leadership of President-elect Obama, will move further forward while co-operating with the international community.
"With President-elect Obama, I will strengthen the Japan-US alliance further and work towards resolving global issues such as the world economy, terror and the environment."

Terribly sorry about Pearl Harbour and all that regrettable business Obama-San, won’t happen again…

INDONESIAN PRESIDENT SUSILO BAMBANG YUDHOYONO

"Indonesia especially hopes that the US, under new leadership, will stand in the front and take real action to overcome the global financial crisis, especially since the crisis was triggered by the financial conditions in the US."

You cunts…we practically live in fucking canoes and yet you still managed to make life even worse for us…

SUDANESE FOREIGN MINISTRY SPOKESMAN ALI AL-SADIG

"We don't expect any change through our previous experience with the Democrats. When it comes to foreign policy there is no difference between the Republicans and the Democrats."

Will you buy our goats? Lovely fine goats… Same price...

SOMALI PRESIDENT ABDULLAHI YUSUF AHMED

"I am hopeful that [Barack Obama] will help end major crises in the world, particularly the endless conflict in my country Somalia.

Because I’m fucked if I can. Please send mercenaries, thanks.

SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT KGALEMA MOTLANTHE

"Africa, which today stands proud of your achievements, can only but look forward to a fruitful working relationship with you both at a bilateral and multilateral levels in our endeavour to create a better world for all who live in it."

Would you like to borrow Ladysmith Black Mambazo for some concerts? They’re shit… Perhaps you'd like some lovely goats? Fine goats...