Some of you may aware of my irrational and entirely unsubstantiated (but deeply held) hatred of Ben Fogle (its one of the few clouds that shadows my otherwise sunny disposition).
I saw this earlier today:
Ben Fogle devoured from within
After having his face kicked off by an outraged camel, this is the second best thing I would wish on him.
I wonder if it will consume him entirely? Or, even better, turn him into a zombie.
I would love to see an episode of “Animal Park” in which, while Kate Humble is speaking to camera, he lurches towards her mumbling “BBrrraainnnnsssssss” with his face all rotting and falling off. And then bites her in the head. TV gold…
Also, can anyone else read this:
Tediously dull article that only Scholars of classical Greece could enjoy
Without imagining a fat sweaty bloke in a toga saying stuff like “So, have we got any Thracians in tonight?”, “Why do Romans build straight roads? To stop the fucking Phoenicians building corner shops…”, “Take my slave…please…” and “Fucking Carthaginians, coming over and taking all our angles…”
Thursday, 13 November 2008
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
What a lovely day-a nice shiny new president in the US and tonight we will burn the effigies of long dead catholic insurrectionists…
My grasp of realpolitik isn’t as great as it could be, but I’ve just had a browse of the responses made around the world about the Obama win. I’ve listed them here, with what I think they actually meant:
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER JOHN McCAIN
"We have come to the end of a long journey. The American people have spoken and they have spoken clearly.
"This campaign was and will remain the great honour of my life. My heart is filled with nothing but gratitude for the experience, and to the American people for giving me a fair hearing before deciding that Senator Obama and my old friend Senator Joe Biden should have the honour of leading us for the next four years."
I’m old and very tired. Can I come back indoors now please?
US PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH
"Mr President-elect, congratulations to you. What an awesome night for you, your family and your supporters.
"I promise to make this a smooth transition. You are about to go on one of the great journeys of life. Congratulations and go enjoy yourself."
I’ve already done a poo in the kettle…
UK PRIME MINISTER GORDON BROWN
"This is a moment that will live in history as long as history books are written.
"Barack Obama ran an inspirational campaign, energising politics with his progressive values and his vision for the future."
I thinkI love you, my sweet Black Tony…
EUROPEAN COMMISSION CHIEF JOSE MANUEL BARROSO
"This is a time for a renewed commitment between Europe and the United States of America. We need to change the current crisis into a new opportunity. We need a new deal for a new world.
"I sincerely hope that with the leadership of President Obama, the United States of America will join forces with Europe to drive this new deal - for the benefit of our societies, for the benefit of the world."
Thank fuck for that…Can we have our soldiers back now please?
KENYAN PRESIDENT MWAI KIBAKI
"The victory of Senator Obama is our own victory because of his roots here in Kenya. As a country, we are full of pride for his success.
"I am confident that your presidency shall herald a new chapter of dialogue between the American people and the world at large."
Will you buy our goats? Fine goats…
FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT NELSON MANDELA
"Your victory has demonstrated that no person anywhere in the world should not dare to dream of wanting to change the world for a better place.
"We wish you strength and fortitude in the challenging days and years that lie ahead."
You didn’t get Ladysmith Black Mambazo-I did. 1-0 to me, Mr Obama…
ISRAELI FOREIGN MINISTER TZIPI LIVNI
"Israel expects the close strategic co-operation with the new administration, president and Congress will continue along with the continued strengthening of the special and unshakeable special relationship between the two countries."
We still need your taxes. Please don’t leave us. Oh God, we're fucked now...
PALESTINIAN LEADER MAHMOUD ABBAS
"President Abbas congratulates US President-elect Barack Obama in his name and in the name of the Palestinian people, and hopes he will speed up efforts to achieve peace, particularly since a resolution of the Palestinian problem and the Israeli-Arab conflict is key to world peace."
Please leave Israel…
ADVISER TO IRAQI PRIME MINISTER NOURI MALIKI, SADEQ RIQABI
"The American people have presented a tremendous example to the world by ignoring racist attitudes - and this is an unprecedented example of democracy.
"We in Iraq, with our newly-born democracy, look forward to working with the United States."
Please leave Iraq…
AFGHAN PRESIDENT HAMID KARZAI
"I applaud the American people for their great decision and I hope that this new administration in the United States of America, and the fact of the massive show of concern for human beings and lack of interest in race and colour while electing the president, will go a long way in bringing the same values to the rest of world sooner or later.
"I [hope] President Obama's coming into office will bring peace to Afghanistan, life to Afghanistan and prosperity to the Afghan people and to the rest of the world."
Please leave Afghanistan…
ARAB LEAGUE SECRETARY GENERAL AMR MUSA
"I stress the importance of the message that Mr Obama has never ceased to send, which is we all need change and that is what we do expect from the new leader of the United States.
"We need an American policy based on honest brokership."
Please just get the fuck out of the Middle East…
INDIAN PRIME MINISTER MANMOHAN SINGH
"Your extraordinary journey to the White House will inspire people not only in your country but also around the world."
Who do you think you are? Fucking Ghandi? You’re not Ghandi-fuck off.
PAKISTANI PRIME MINISTER YOUSUF RAZA GILANI
"Your election marks a new chapter in the remarkable history of the United States. For long, the ideas of democracy, liberty and freedom espoused by the United States has been a source of inspiration. I hope that under your dynamic leadership, the United States will continue to be a source of global peace and new ideas for humanity."
Give us gold and you can use our airbases…
POPE BENEDICT'S SPOKESMAN REV FEDERICO LOMBARDI
"Believers are praying that God will enlighten him and help him in his great responsibility, which is enormous because of the global importance of the United States. We hope Obama can fulfil the expectations and hopes that many have in him."
Are you one of our flock my son? Don't fuck with us...
RUSSIAN DEPUTY FOREIGN MINISTER GRIGORY KARASIN
"The news we are receiving on the results of the American presidential election shows that everyone has the right to hope for a freshening of US approaches to all the most complex issues, including foreign policy and therefore relations with the Russian Federation as well."
Wishing you great welcomes in land of Glorious non-Soviet revolution and ugly people with steel teeth… You have vodka? We swap for missiles…
FRENCH PRESIDENT NICOLAS SARKOZY
"I give you my warmest congratulations and, through me, those of all French people. Your brilliant victory rewards a tireless commitment to serve the American people.
"By choosing you, the American people have chosen change, openness and optimism. At a time when all of us must face huge challenges together, your election raises great hope in France, in Europe and elsewhere in the world."
‘Allo-we may still need your help to bail us out in the event of another World War…
GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL
"The world faces significant challenges at the start of your term. I am convinced that Europe and the United States will work closely and in a spirit of mutual trust together to confront new dangers and risks and will seize the opportunities presented by our global world."
We’re thinking of starting another World War-would you like to be on our side this time?
DUTCH PRIME MINISTER JAN PETER BALKENENDE
"The necessity for co-operation between Europe and the United States is bigger than ever. Only by close transatlantic co-operation can we face the world's challenges."
We have diamonds and the finest prostitutes in the world. Please don’t bomb us.
CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER
"I look forward to meeting with the president-elect so that we can continue to strengthen the special bond that exists between Canada and the United States."
Another fuckwit from south of the border-does this one think he's a fucking cowboy too?
CHINESE PRESIDENT HU JINTAO
"In a new historical era, I look forward to taking our bilateral relationship of constructive co-operation to a new level."
I am Chinese, we are many… fuck you, Black Gweilo…
AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER KEVIN RUDD
"Forty-five years ago Martin Luther King had a dream of an America where men and women would be judged not on the colour of their skin but on the content of their character.
"Today what America has done is turn that dream into a reality."
G’day mate-what’s that you say Skippy? A fuckin’ Abo in the White House? Strewth!!
JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER TARO ASO
"As the world faces many difficult issues, I am sure that the United States, under the excellent leadership of President-elect Obama, will move further forward while co-operating with the international community.
"With President-elect Obama, I will strengthen the Japan-US alliance further and work towards resolving global issues such as the world economy, terror and the environment."
Terribly sorry about Pearl Harbour and all that regrettable business Obama-San, won’t happen again…
INDONESIAN PRESIDENT SUSILO BAMBANG YUDHOYONO
"Indonesia especially hopes that the US, under new leadership, will stand in the front and take real action to overcome the global financial crisis, especially since the crisis was triggered by the financial conditions in the US."
You cunts…we practically live in fucking canoes and yet you still managed to make life even worse for us…
SUDANESE FOREIGN MINISTRY SPOKESMAN ALI AL-SADIG
"We don't expect any change through our previous experience with the Democrats. When it comes to foreign policy there is no difference between the Republicans and the Democrats."
Will you buy our goats? Lovely fine goats… Same price...
SOMALI PRESIDENT ABDULLAHI YUSUF AHMED
"I am hopeful that [Barack Obama] will help end major crises in the world, particularly the endless conflict in my country Somalia.
Because I’m fucked if I can. Please send mercenaries, thanks.
SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT KGALEMA MOTLANTHE
"Africa, which today stands proud of your achievements, can only but look forward to a fruitful working relationship with you both at a bilateral and multilateral levels in our endeavour to create a better world for all who live in it."
Would you like to borrow Ladysmith Black Mambazo for some concerts? They’re shit… Perhaps you'd like some lovely goats? Fine goats...
My grasp of realpolitik isn’t as great as it could be, but I’ve just had a browse of the responses made around the world about the Obama win. I’ve listed them here, with what I think they actually meant:
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER JOHN McCAIN
"We have come to the end of a long journey. The American people have spoken and they have spoken clearly.
"This campaign was and will remain the great honour of my life. My heart is filled with nothing but gratitude for the experience, and to the American people for giving me a fair hearing before deciding that Senator Obama and my old friend Senator Joe Biden should have the honour of leading us for the next four years."
I’m old and very tired. Can I come back indoors now please?
US PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH
"Mr President-elect, congratulations to you. What an awesome night for you, your family and your supporters.
"I promise to make this a smooth transition. You are about to go on one of the great journeys of life. Congratulations and go enjoy yourself."
I’ve already done a poo in the kettle…
UK PRIME MINISTER GORDON BROWN
"This is a moment that will live in history as long as history books are written.
"Barack Obama ran an inspirational campaign, energising politics with his progressive values and his vision for the future."
I thinkI love you, my sweet Black Tony…
EUROPEAN COMMISSION CHIEF JOSE MANUEL BARROSO
"This is a time for a renewed commitment between Europe and the United States of America. We need to change the current crisis into a new opportunity. We need a new deal for a new world.
"I sincerely hope that with the leadership of President Obama, the United States of America will join forces with Europe to drive this new deal - for the benefit of our societies, for the benefit of the world."
Thank fuck for that…Can we have our soldiers back now please?
KENYAN PRESIDENT MWAI KIBAKI
"The victory of Senator Obama is our own victory because of his roots here in Kenya. As a country, we are full of pride for his success.
"I am confident that your presidency shall herald a new chapter of dialogue between the American people and the world at large."
Will you buy our goats? Fine goats…
FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT NELSON MANDELA
"Your victory has demonstrated that no person anywhere in the world should not dare to dream of wanting to change the world for a better place.
"We wish you strength and fortitude in the challenging days and years that lie ahead."
You didn’t get Ladysmith Black Mambazo-I did. 1-0 to me, Mr Obama…
ISRAELI FOREIGN MINISTER TZIPI LIVNI
"Israel expects the close strategic co-operation with the new administration, president and Congress will continue along with the continued strengthening of the special and unshakeable special relationship between the two countries."
We still need your taxes. Please don’t leave us. Oh God, we're fucked now...
PALESTINIAN LEADER MAHMOUD ABBAS
"President Abbas congratulates US President-elect Barack Obama in his name and in the name of the Palestinian people, and hopes he will speed up efforts to achieve peace, particularly since a resolution of the Palestinian problem and the Israeli-Arab conflict is key to world peace."
Please leave Israel…
ADVISER TO IRAQI PRIME MINISTER NOURI MALIKI, SADEQ RIQABI
"The American people have presented a tremendous example to the world by ignoring racist attitudes - and this is an unprecedented example of democracy.
"We in Iraq, with our newly-born democracy, look forward to working with the United States."
Please leave Iraq…
AFGHAN PRESIDENT HAMID KARZAI
"I applaud the American people for their great decision and I hope that this new administration in the United States of America, and the fact of the massive show of concern for human beings and lack of interest in race and colour while electing the president, will go a long way in bringing the same values to the rest of world sooner or later.
"I [hope] President Obama's coming into office will bring peace to Afghanistan, life to Afghanistan and prosperity to the Afghan people and to the rest of the world."
Please leave Afghanistan…
ARAB LEAGUE SECRETARY GENERAL AMR MUSA
"I stress the importance of the message that Mr Obama has never ceased to send, which is we all need change and that is what we do expect from the new leader of the United States.
"We need an American policy based on honest brokership."
Please just get the fuck out of the Middle East…
INDIAN PRIME MINISTER MANMOHAN SINGH
"Your extraordinary journey to the White House will inspire people not only in your country but also around the world."
Who do you think you are? Fucking Ghandi? You’re not Ghandi-fuck off.
PAKISTANI PRIME MINISTER YOUSUF RAZA GILANI
"Your election marks a new chapter in the remarkable history of the United States. For long, the ideas of democracy, liberty and freedom espoused by the United States has been a source of inspiration. I hope that under your dynamic leadership, the United States will continue to be a source of global peace and new ideas for humanity."
Give us gold and you can use our airbases…
POPE BENEDICT'S SPOKESMAN REV FEDERICO LOMBARDI
"Believers are praying that God will enlighten him and help him in his great responsibility, which is enormous because of the global importance of the United States. We hope Obama can fulfil the expectations and hopes that many have in him."
Are you one of our flock my son? Don't fuck with us...
RUSSIAN DEPUTY FOREIGN MINISTER GRIGORY KARASIN
"The news we are receiving on the results of the American presidential election shows that everyone has the right to hope for a freshening of US approaches to all the most complex issues, including foreign policy and therefore relations with the Russian Federation as well."
Wishing you great welcomes in land of Glorious non-Soviet revolution and ugly people with steel teeth… You have vodka? We swap for missiles…
FRENCH PRESIDENT NICOLAS SARKOZY
"I give you my warmest congratulations and, through me, those of all French people. Your brilliant victory rewards a tireless commitment to serve the American people.
"By choosing you, the American people have chosen change, openness and optimism. At a time when all of us must face huge challenges together, your election raises great hope in France, in Europe and elsewhere in the world."
‘Allo-we may still need your help to bail us out in the event of another World War…
GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL
"The world faces significant challenges at the start of your term. I am convinced that Europe and the United States will work closely and in a spirit of mutual trust together to confront new dangers and risks and will seize the opportunities presented by our global world."
We’re thinking of starting another World War-would you like to be on our side this time?
DUTCH PRIME MINISTER JAN PETER BALKENENDE
"The necessity for co-operation between Europe and the United States is bigger than ever. Only by close transatlantic co-operation can we face the world's challenges."
We have diamonds and the finest prostitutes in the world. Please don’t bomb us.
CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER
"I look forward to meeting with the president-elect so that we can continue to strengthen the special bond that exists between Canada and the United States."
Another fuckwit from south of the border-does this one think he's a fucking cowboy too?
CHINESE PRESIDENT HU JINTAO
"In a new historical era, I look forward to taking our bilateral relationship of constructive co-operation to a new level."
I am Chinese, we are many… fuck you, Black Gweilo…
AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER KEVIN RUDD
"Forty-five years ago Martin Luther King had a dream of an America where men and women would be judged not on the colour of their skin but on the content of their character.
"Today what America has done is turn that dream into a reality."
G’day mate-what’s that you say Skippy? A fuckin’ Abo in the White House? Strewth!!
JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER TARO ASO
"As the world faces many difficult issues, I am sure that the United States, under the excellent leadership of President-elect Obama, will move further forward while co-operating with the international community.
"With President-elect Obama, I will strengthen the Japan-US alliance further and work towards resolving global issues such as the world economy, terror and the environment."
Terribly sorry about Pearl Harbour and all that regrettable business Obama-San, won’t happen again…
INDONESIAN PRESIDENT SUSILO BAMBANG YUDHOYONO
"Indonesia especially hopes that the US, under new leadership, will stand in the front and take real action to overcome the global financial crisis, especially since the crisis was triggered by the financial conditions in the US."
You cunts…we practically live in fucking canoes and yet you still managed to make life even worse for us…
SUDANESE FOREIGN MINISTRY SPOKESMAN ALI AL-SADIG
"We don't expect any change through our previous experience with the Democrats. When it comes to foreign policy there is no difference between the Republicans and the Democrats."
Will you buy our goats? Lovely fine goats… Same price...
SOMALI PRESIDENT ABDULLAHI YUSUF AHMED
"I am hopeful that [Barack Obama] will help end major crises in the world, particularly the endless conflict in my country Somalia.
Because I’m fucked if I can. Please send mercenaries, thanks.
SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT KGALEMA MOTLANTHE
"Africa, which today stands proud of your achievements, can only but look forward to a fruitful working relationship with you both at a bilateral and multilateral levels in our endeavour to create a better world for all who live in it."
Would you like to borrow Ladysmith Black Mambazo for some concerts? They’re shit… Perhaps you'd like some lovely goats? Fine goats...
Monday, 3 November 2008
more pointless, pointless hate and bile...
This made me chuckle:
http://www.esquire.com/the-side/feature/racists-support-obama-061308
It’s always nice to know that even the most insane racists can be broad minded enough to “reach out”.
They are also surprisingly erudite, witty and ironic, most unlike our own racists, such as Jim Davidson, who are generally just a bunch of terminally unfunny cunts.
Is it just me, but whenever you see Jim Davidson on TV (which thankfully a fuck of a lot less likely than it used to be) do you yearn to have one of those high pressure hoses they have in abattoirs to “mechanically reclaim” waste meat that you could spray him with?
I think he blames the “PC Brigade” for the demise of his career. I don’t-I think it’s because he’s shit. In fact, the word “shit” doesn’t even begin to describe the sheer unadulterated torrent of fucking absolute vile horseshit that erupts from his hideous smug fucking cock of a face.
If it was up to me (unfortunately it isn’t) I’d force him to have drastic surgery done that would attach the end of his colon directly to his mouth so that in real physical terms he would have to constantly eat his own shit. Failing that I’d just make him wear wasp goggles all the time. You might have guessed, I’m not a big fan…
His latest venture has been “naughty” versions of popular pantomimes. Apparently not as much of a success as he thought they would be (he went bankrupt), as theatres aren’t really the best environment for people who normally like ITV-for instance they can’t pick their fat fucking arses in a theatre, or get up to put another fucking Findus crispy pancake in the toaster every 4 minutes.
Have you seen the titles of some of the “Adult Pantomimes” he’s made? “Boobs in the Wood” and “SINderella” are a couple. Weren’t they clever? Have you seen what he did there-he managed to seamlessly shoehorn in a sexual reference-ho ho ho!! What a clever cunt…
Here’s a few more for you Jim, that I’ve aimed at your target audience of mouth breathing cretins, to save you the bother of racking your brains… How about “Cock Whittington”, “Rapes in the Wood” or “Ali Baba and the forty Asylum Seeking Immigrant Paedophiles”? Twat.
While I’m on the subject of pointless, irresolvable ideological conflicts between individuals, I really want Ian Paisley and the late Pope John Paul II to sing a duet version of the Elaine Paige and Barbara Dickson song “I knew him so well”. I think it would be just lovely and would do so much to bridge the gap.
It’s very sad that the good reverend has spent his life encouraging utterly meaningless sectarian violence when he could have made the best cover single ever recorded-the A side would be “Every Rose has its Thorn” by 80’s glam rockers “Poison” and the B side would be “Don’t cha” by the Pussycat Dolls. If anyone can think of a better and more fulfilling musical experience than that I would be extremely surprised…
Unfortunately I fear the plan is unlikely to come to fruition due to the fact that:
a) The Pope (the proper snowy haired smiley old Pope, not the newfangled scary German one) is dead
And
b) The reverend Ian Paisley, in the throes of his magnificent madness, is convinced that the Pope is actually the earthly incarnation of the Antichrist. He really does, bless him. Even by the lunatic standards of sectarianism, that’s a remarkably impressive delusion to belabour under…
http://www.esquire.com/the-side/feature/racists-support-obama-061308
It’s always nice to know that even the most insane racists can be broad minded enough to “reach out”.
They are also surprisingly erudite, witty and ironic, most unlike our own racists, such as Jim Davidson, who are generally just a bunch of terminally unfunny cunts.
Is it just me, but whenever you see Jim Davidson on TV (which thankfully a fuck of a lot less likely than it used to be) do you yearn to have one of those high pressure hoses they have in abattoirs to “mechanically reclaim” waste meat that you could spray him with?
I think he blames the “PC Brigade” for the demise of his career. I don’t-I think it’s because he’s shit. In fact, the word “shit” doesn’t even begin to describe the sheer unadulterated torrent of fucking absolute vile horseshit that erupts from his hideous smug fucking cock of a face.
If it was up to me (unfortunately it isn’t) I’d force him to have drastic surgery done that would attach the end of his colon directly to his mouth so that in real physical terms he would have to constantly eat his own shit. Failing that I’d just make him wear wasp goggles all the time. You might have guessed, I’m not a big fan…
His latest venture has been “naughty” versions of popular pantomimes. Apparently not as much of a success as he thought they would be (he went bankrupt), as theatres aren’t really the best environment for people who normally like ITV-for instance they can’t pick their fat fucking arses in a theatre, or get up to put another fucking Findus crispy pancake in the toaster every 4 minutes.
Have you seen the titles of some of the “Adult Pantomimes” he’s made? “Boobs in the Wood” and “SINderella” are a couple. Weren’t they clever? Have you seen what he did there-he managed to seamlessly shoehorn in a sexual reference-ho ho ho!! What a clever cunt…
Here’s a few more for you Jim, that I’ve aimed at your target audience of mouth breathing cretins, to save you the bother of racking your brains… How about “Cock Whittington”, “Rapes in the Wood” or “Ali Baba and the forty Asylum Seeking Immigrant Paedophiles”? Twat.
While I’m on the subject of pointless, irresolvable ideological conflicts between individuals, I really want Ian Paisley and the late Pope John Paul II to sing a duet version of the Elaine Paige and Barbara Dickson song “I knew him so well”. I think it would be just lovely and would do so much to bridge the gap.
It’s very sad that the good reverend has spent his life encouraging utterly meaningless sectarian violence when he could have made the best cover single ever recorded-the A side would be “Every Rose has its Thorn” by 80’s glam rockers “Poison” and the B side would be “Don’t cha” by the Pussycat Dolls. If anyone can think of a better and more fulfilling musical experience than that I would be extremely surprised…
Unfortunately I fear the plan is unlikely to come to fruition due to the fact that:
a) The Pope (the proper snowy haired smiley old Pope, not the newfangled scary German one) is dead
And
b) The reverend Ian Paisley, in the throes of his magnificent madness, is convinced that the Pope is actually the earthly incarnation of the Antichrist. He really does, bless him. Even by the lunatic standards of sectarianism, that’s a remarkably impressive delusion to belabour under…
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