I'm not going to do all that normal blog stuff you’re supposed to do - apologising for not posting and give a load of excuses (yeah, it's been really crazy in here, etc), as that is the province of cunts.
As far as I know there’s only about 6 people who read this shit anyway, and I know them all personally. In case you were wondering folks, my predictably bad guts have been in tied up in fucking knots for two days so I haven’t written owt.
I have however taken a few days off work, which I thought I would report back on, as I am terribly excited by a programme I watched whilst ill.
It’s on every morning as far as I could tell, and it’s called “Animal Park” and it’s absolutely fucking brilliant (it’s marred slightly by the fact that it’s presented by that twat Ben Fogle).
Normally I’m not one of these twee fuckwits that like watching cute furry creatures doing cute furry things, but this programme has got the fucking lot as far as I am concerned-tears, laughter, drama, pathos, tragedy, suspense, great big fucking teeth…
Tuesday’s episode was a proper tear jerker when they had to put down a massive white Bengal tiger called Shandy. It was a fucking immense thing and even though it was really, really ill it was still trying to bite through the bars to kill the fucking vet. Nearly managed it too. Fantastic Stuff White Tiger!!
There were two blokes in charge of the tigers, and they both looked like they could have been in “Deliverance” (one has no teeth and a baseball cap, the other had some kind of strange elongated teeth disease and an Elvis haircut). Despite these handicaps (Can I still use that word??), I bet they still get loads of women:
Woman in Pub: “What do you then?”
Deliverance Looking Guy: “Me-oh I have a mysterious, mystical and primal bond with huge predatory tigers-do you fancy a fuck?”
Woman in Pub: “Yes please”.
One of them said “Shandy was really nice, really affectionate and likeable. Well, for a tiger anyway” which I thought was a great quote. One of their other tigers was ill too, and it was touch and go for a while for her, but she was fine in the end.
Then there was a wallaby with severe psychological problems doing nuts stuff. That was good too.
The next day they gave a giraffe a Caesarean. Absolute madness -they never did that on “All Creatures Great and Small”. I was rather hoping that a giraffe would kick Ben Fogle's smug fucking face right off but that didn’t happen. You can’t have everything though, and perhaps it might happen later in the series. I do hope so.
Anyway, it’s better than pretty much every other program on TV combined. I advise you to set your video/Sky plus box/Memory Crystal for it.
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