A few notes on sausages

Recently I have been giving much thought to the purchase of a sausage making machine. The thought of having an almost limitless supply of fresh delicious sausages fills me with glee and an unfamiliar tight sensation in the groin.

I’ve found one that gives me 5 yards of free sausage casings-that’s 15 feet of sausage! I’m terribly excited… I plan to be “International King of Sausages” within the year.

My greatest regret is not purchasing a sausage maker I saw in a charity shop a few weeks ago-should have got it when I had the chance. I really fancy the idea of owning a “Dead Man’s Sausage Maker” now.

No longer will I have to buy my sausages from fucking ASDA anyway. Don’t ever buy sausages from supermarkets if you can help it. They are fucking rubbish. What kind of marketing dickhead thinks that people will really want “Organic Wild Boar sausages, delicately flavoured with juniper and fennel (and now containing 50% less fat)”? Fucking tossers...

That’s not a proper sausage-those are sausages for people that don’t like sausages. And they can just fuck off. Real sausages should be made of Pig offal, Lard and Chinese Newspapers. If you’re going to buy sausages you should get them from a butcher- at least that way you also get a proper sausage buying experience as well.

You get to discuss the properties of each of different sausages with the butcher who created them, who’s generally a very large and florid man in a striped apron who seems slightly educationally subnormal and looks like he abuses children. He’ll know all about sausages though, which is the main thing and you get to leave the shop with a couple of pounds of best pork sausages, or some chipolatas (which are an ideal “starter” sausage for children) and the knowledge you have been responsible for the death of another animal..

It’s so much more satisfying than picking out a pre-packaged carton of pale, insipid sausages (in packaging covered with LIES about how they are made to a traditional recipe) from a fridge, then getting them scanned through the till by a girl who looks Lady Sovereign (or like Myra Hindley if you shop at Morrisons) who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about sausages.

Incidentally, for best results you should cook your sausages in a frying pan whilst naked-it’s the only way to ensure that they are cooking at the correct temperature. If the pan is too cool you won’t get splashed by hot grease as they are not cooking, whereas if the pan gets too hot your cock will look like Simon Weston after a few minutes as the sausages burn and spit.

For a good sausage, you want to be aiming for a temperature that keeps you moving, but that doesn’t cause permanent scarring.

Apologies for those expected a more bitter and cynical post- I can’t help it, sausages make me happy.

FACT- Just 6 sausages count as 1 portion of your "5 a day" fruit and vegetables quota. Why not get rid on that poncy bowl of fruit and just have a big greasy bucket of sausages on your desk?