Take That! (and fuck off)

I have recently seen the new video for Take That’s latest song (which is also the theme tune for the new film “Stardust”). I wholeheartedly recommend the video, if only for Mark Owens’s particularly bizarre monkey dancing.

Credit where credit is due-all the other chaps in the band seem to have looked after themselves and are in fairly good nick (spending the last 10 years stacking shelves with heavy cans of beans in ASDA will do that for a man) but there’s a particularly fine moment where the camera pans across the band, and they all try really hard to look a soulful as possible whilst sucking in their stomachs, until the shot reaches the malformed dwarf that is Mark Owen and the camera noticeably has to dip to reveal what looks like a chimp dressed as Mickey Rourke wearing a pork pie hat and shambling madly like a tramp who has been offered a crate of Lambrini…

I don’t think that can be helping them with their comeback at all-they can’t afford anything that will repel their fan base (which consists almost entirely of “mothers who wear leather trousers”) so I fully expect him to have a tragic accident in the near future.

The film looks shit as well-any film that has Robert De Niro turning to the camera with a knowing and self deprecating smile will be bound to be a disappointment. Shame-I read the book a few times and enjoyed it tremendously. The film looks like “The Princess Bride” but with added tripe.

personally, i think they should sell their organs for money...

Can somebody explain this to me please?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/plucky little foreign fellas

http://news.bbc.co.uk/horrible filthy types

To save you reading the articles in question, it would now appear that you can serve in the British Armed Forces, and indeed be wounded in the service of our country, and yet still be sent back to whatever foul little third world shithole you fought your way out of at the end of your service, without compensation or recognition.

On the other hand, if you enter the country illegally and embark on an unsuccessful career of murder, rape and mayhem we’ll fucking pay for you to stay here (and spend more on your lunches that we do on Schoolchildren).

I am starting to think like a Daily Mail reader again…

HO HO HO

It that time of the year once again-the run up to Christmas, which is traditionally a time when we are expected to think of those less fortunate that ourselves.

In our workplace we are having a collection for underprivileged children, where we are being encouraged to bring in unwanted items which can be given as Christmas presents.

I have lots of things they might want in my spare room (why, it’s like Aladdin’s cave)-offcut bits of wood, old loft insulation, toilet roll tubes and cat baskets with sick on them to name just a couple of the many items on offer, any of which would bring a smile of joy to the face of some urchin from a council estate on Christmas morning...

Imagine their little face light up with joy as they exclaim "Look Mummy! Look Daddy! See what Santa has brought me!! A box of used Cat Litter! God Bless us one and all!!”

Heartwarming image, isn’t it?

Unscrambling the Nonce

http://news.bbc.co.uki/asia-pacific/thats you fucked matey

Has anyone bought the film rights to this yet? If not I’m going to have to buy them. I think it will be brilliant. Pete Postlethwaite will be starring as “The Nonce”, Tcheky Karyo and Armand Assante will be random Interpol personnel. Gary Glitter will be, well, Gary Glitter...

I’ve already got the title, and the tagline will be:

“Photoshop is no defence… FROM THE LAW!”

I think it’s damn unfair…

Poor old Menzies Campbell-he’s had to leave because he’s too old. Apparently the Liberal Democrats were concerned that having a leader who was perceived as “past it” would harm their chances in the next general election (although they are denying this and saying the media made this up).

Erm..what fucking chance in the next general election?

It’s quite clear that the liberal Democrats do not, and never will have, any chance whatsoever of governing this country and I for one think that's part of their charm.

Whereas Labour and the Conservatives seemed paralysed by indecision, and are afraid to actually announce any new radical policies for fear that they would accused of either stealing the other party’s thunder, or of having the policy torn apart by their opposite number, as part of the rather alarming and viscous playground atmosphere of the House of Commons.

The Liberal Democrats however, safe in the knowledge that they will never be taken seriously as a political force are more than happy to announce new and bizarre polices in an almost "stream of conscious" manner:- “A Tame Monkey for every Schoolchild in Britain by 2012” Why not? “New Prisons to be built on Moon” Capital Idea! "Equal pay for Donkeys!" Right on brother!!!!

You have to admire a party which doesn’t allow reality to impinge on its actions, which is why I am so disappointed in their treatment of Mr Campbell-just as I was when they got rid of Charles Kennedy purely because he happened to enjoy a few refreshing drinks for breakfast.

I quite liked them when they thought that the country would accept a Ginger Drunkard for Prime Minister, and was a bit upset when someone had a reality check and got rid of old “Scotch and Ginger”, although apparently he is now being asked to join the leadership “race”. He’s playing it coy though-so far his only official response has been to say “ffffucckinnn come on then, you ffffuckin cunntsssss!!!” then be a bit sick on his shoes.

It's the thin end of the wedge...

I’m sure some people will welcome this:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/Technology/what fresh hell is this?

I however do not. I don’t with to sound like some angry, retired old colonel from the British Indian Army railing against the modern world and its attendant horrors, but this really does take the fucking biscuit.

It’s too late, I can feel my handlebar moustache go all fiercely bristly and my erect military posture begins to quiver with indignation…

Do you really want an avatar that allows you to cross from one “virtual world” to another? Or perhaps it might be better just to have a shower then go out and buy a T shirt that doesn’t stink, you wretched excuse for a human being. And get yourself a haircut and a proper job whilst you’re at it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps man!!

Pirates (First Class) required

Pirate (First Class)

Share of booty negotiable (dependant on experience)

Fat Edgar’s Pirate Ship

Captain FatEdgar is an innovative Piracy provider, delivering comprehensive Boarding, thievery and plank walking services to international shipping.

We are looking for an enthusiastic, motivated and extremely violent Individual to join our ship working as experienced full time Pirate to support a vibrant and diverse crew of privateers

This is the perfect opportunity to take your seafaring career in a new direction and develop your skills

Requirements

• Relevant experience in a brigand related sector
• Ability to work as part of a crew
• Possession of own wooden leg and/or eye patch distinct advantage
• Basic Freebooting skills (although on-ship training will be provided)
• Proven track record of killing Spaniards

Duties

The post holder will be expected to perform the following core duties:

• Cutlass wielding and swashbuckling to a high standard
• Professional raping of “Blue Chip” clients
• Excessive Rum drinking
• Responsible for continued delivery of new and updated sea shanties
• General seafaring duties

Other pirate related duties at Captains’ discretion

To register your interest please place a rolled up page of the bible marked “ARRRRR” in a corked bottle, and set adrift on the high seas…


Interviews are scheduled for w/c 22/10/2007.

A Life of Piracy on the Spanish Main

Recently I have been doing lots of management type things (appraisals, training plans and the like). As well as being unutterably tedious they have highlighted one thing-people should be happy in their jobs, and in order to be happy in their jobs they should be in jobs that highlight their strengths. Doesn’t take a genius to see where this is going, does it?

I appear to be impatient, violent and easy to anger. I also have the ability to grow a beard, and I enjoy drinking large quantities of rum then singing sea shanties. So that’s settled it really.

Basically, I’m recruiting for a crew. Who wants in?

Avast, ye landlubbers!!!

Is the internet making it too easy for paedophiles?

It’s a question that’s often asked these days

I think so-when i was a child any paedophile worth their salt used to have to pay their dues and spend long rainy autumn afternoons hiding behind bushes in the park.

It wasn’t as simple or easy in those days as logging onto Facebook or myspace and then pretending to be a 12 year old girl from Norwich who thinks you are soooo cool… That takes no effort at all. I think these people just don’t want to fuck kids enough if they aren’t prepared to go the extra mile for it.

It's symptomatic of the way this whole country is going-there's no pride in anyones work anymore...

Frankly, I’m all for supporting our local nonces. I might even get some T shirts printed up for it. Better the devil you know and all that.

Won't somebody help the poor defenceless creatures????

This is regarding an earlier post I wrote:

http://fatedgar.blogspot.com/2007/06/bloody-cheeky-bastards.html

I thought I’d take this opportunity to mail you about a good cause I want to help.

I’m not sure how much you are aware, but because the increasingly adverse effects of climate change, human migration and population increase the number of Bengal Tigers left in the wild decreases every year as we, in our greed, encroach on their habitats.

The WWF estimates there are now only approx 1500 left and this number continues to fall every year. Soon it is feared that these magnificent creatures will go the way of so many other precious species and become extinct.

Before this happens, I’d really like to opportunity to fulfil a long held childhood wish and shoot one these dangerous brutes, before that chance is finally lost forever.

Remember that once stuffed and posed tastefully these animals will then last for centuries and can be enjoyed by generations to come…

So, if we all buckle down, I could have one in my sights by Christmas…