I just don’t have the words for this…

I just don’t have the words for this…

But I’ll try:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/bristol/Dozy Cunt...

Don’t know about you, but this restored my faith in humanity. It’s nice to know there are millions of people who not prepared to put up with this kind of thing.

Don’t you just love it when hippies get disappointed by things? I think it’s his note of wounded pride that makes me laugh out loud the most. The cretin-planning to walk for 2 ½ years to India without once touching money, and relying on the good faith of humanity? Apparently doesn’t realise most people’s priorities are (in pretty much this order) their families, their friends, and then their local communities and so on. Half arsed freeloading new age fools come somewhere at the bottom of the list (just below puffins, but slightly above Sandi Toksvig)

Hmmmm… can I order an annoying hippie twat with a side order of blinkered self importance please? Oh yes, and can I have some pretentiousness with that please?

The fucking idiot didn’t even bother to learn any languages, and was just planning to survive by offering his skills to people in return for food. Because web authoring skills are just what would required by subsistence level farmers in the developing world in return for the last of their family's rice.

The man is a complete fool. This is one for his journal entries "...not only did no one not speak the language, they had also seen us as just a bunch of freeloading backpackers, which is the complete opposite of what the pilgrimage is really about.” See what I mean about the note of self-pitying self justification?

You’re in another country, begging for food with no money and no language skills and you have nothing of value to offer. Yet you expect people to speak English and feed you. That’s exactly what it’s really about mate…

Apparently he’s quite keen on the idea of a “freeconomy”. The twee fucking wanker. That’s all very well if you’re an affluent Trustafarian prick (I don’t even need to check this, I just know he is), but for everyone else who has to rely on themselves to actually survive it’s a slightly different matter. The world owes you nothing mate-if you put nothing in, you get nothing out. Get fucking used to it.

I hate hippes….

Ross Kemp’s Karmic Frying Pan Catharsis Show

I had this idea a few nights ago after watching about 4 seconds of “Ultimate Force” starring Ross Kemp. I was reminded of it when I saw this rather amusing article.

I’m a bit fucking sick of this man and his bizarre “hard man” posturing. Where does it come from? Certainly not any reputation other than that of characters he has flicking played on rubbish TV. How the fuck did that happen? It seems to be a case of “life imitating Plebdazzle garbage TV”.

The end of the show will consist of me and Kemp fighting in a series of deserted garages with large, and very solid, frying pans. The show will end with me victorious, standing above Kemp spitting and hurling incoherent abuse at his smug fucking face.

The other part of the show will consist of an actor pretending to be Kemp’s mentally retarded younger brother (naturally without Kemp's knowledge) visiting various large cites and getting his cock out on busy thoroughfares.

Around his neck will be a piece of string and a small piece of card saying “I am Ross Kemp’s retarded younger brother-in case of any “incidents” please call Ross Kemp for assistance-a monetary reward may be forthcoming”. The idea being Ross Kemp will get a phone call from a different Police force every week asking him to come and collect his brother from Bristol or wherever as he has been “making a bit of a scene”.

I plan to do this every week just to see how he reacts and until the tabloids produce a headline like “TV STAR GRANT MITCHELL TELLS SPASTIC BROTHER TO FUCK OFF”, at which point his career will be effectively over.

Objections to the “DNA database”

Is it just me, or has there been a hell of a lot of coverage recently regarding the use of forensic teams and techniques to clear up unsolved murder cases? In the last week alone we have sent the sentencing of several random maniacs, whose convictions would not have been possible without the use of technology and/or men with glasses.

In fact, you can’t turn on the news without it looking like an episode of “CSI: Dull Provincial Town” with policemen dressed in white jumpsuits rooting through bins or whatever.

The increased media coverage of this kind of crime detection does of course have an ulterior motive-to promote the proposed “DNA database”.

Like most people in the country I am unsure of the exact nature of this database, and whether or not it is actually a valid proposal by the government, and am woefully ignorant of what kind of data will kep and how it will be collated/used. However, despite that, like everyone else in the country this will of course not prevent me from having an opinion that I am only to willing to share at the slightest provocation.

My main bugbear at present is that the TV is constantly interrupted by middle class liberals claiming that this is a direct violation of our human rights (presumably on the grounds that they are terrified they might now be arrested and sent to prison for smoking a joint in 1992).

In an era where so many more aspects of our lives are public domain (often at our own request) it seems very churlish to reject this idea out of hand because it is in some nebulous way “intrusive”. No more intrusive that posting your details on social networking site I would say, except it might actually help you (or a loved one) as opposed to just resulting in a barrage of messages from various human detritus you went to school with, asking for money for their crackpot and addle-pated money making schemes.

I’m more than happy for my data to be added, if only because I’m fairly certain I’m not the kind of person who is likely to go on a murderous rampage (although regular readers may be surprised to learn this) and that the presence of my data on such a database would help to exclude myself (and millions of others) from the enquiry, thereby increasing the chances that the true culprit would be found.

On the other hand, if I am stupid or unlucky enough to actually commit a crime, surely I really can’t be in a position to complain if I actually am convicted? I can’t say “I strongly object to this project on ethical grounds and do not wish to be part of it, as I have not yet entirely ruled out the possibility of killing a few people in the coming years (possibly just to keep me active throughout retirement)”.

There are numerous concerns of course-the most common being that other people in the world could conceivably have the same genetic data. My answer to that is that if you actually get convicted for a crime carried out by your Chinese doppelganger, the universe must hate you for a very valid reason.

DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL, CHINESE DOPPELGANGERS!!!!

What would you do if you had a clone?

The recent South East Asian Scientific break through regarding animal cloning prompted a discussion amongst the office staff along the lines of “If you had clones, what would you make them do?”, which gave rise to such witty little bon mots as “Oh, I’d make it do the gardening! Ha ha ha”. This is about as funny as it gets here some days.

How bloody boring. If I had clones I would pit them against each other in brutal Gladiatorial contests then fuck the winner and then we would feast together on the loser…

I have seen the future, and it is stupid....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/The Terminator is coming...

I’m quite surprised by this-I thought computers were already cleverer than we were. At least, working here you’d be forgiven for thing so. According to the article, by 2029 they will be our equal. In this place computer intelligence outstripped that of humans in 1963. I have a washing machine more intelligent than many of my colleagues.

It’s the start of the dark times. “Tiny robots implanted in people's brains” indeed? You can just fuck off mate. This kind of restless and rampant tinkering will lead to no good, mark my words.

I also find it disturbing that this self proclaimed “inventor” claims that artificial intelligence will match our own and will“(include) Emotional intelligence”. This isn’t something I really want to hear from a computer programmer. Is he referring to the emotional intelligence of someone who has brought themselves up in front of a computer, never had a social orgasm and who genuinely gives a shit about linux, or a normal person’s emotional intelligence? There is quite a big difference really isn’t there-very few people have any interest or enthusiasm about the development of an artificial intelligence that (figuratively at least) sits around in its underpants playing “World of Warcraft”, writing “Harry Potter” pornographic fan-fiction and eating crisps.

Hopefully we will have found a way to stop this by 2029 anyway, and returned to the more sane realms of steam power and Empire building.

Fucking cretins…

Have you seen this? Absurd…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/daft bitch imagines ghosts...

This is beyond ridiculous. Clearly Jeremy Kyle wasn’t enough excitement for this woman and she has had to add even more pseudo-drama to her pathetic little life. I really can’t articulate just how much contempt I have for this person. I am literally speechless with internalised rage.

Why someone felt they should and could approach a 21^st century housing authority with a medieval problem baffles me. What is more bizarre, is that they actually forked out for someone even more deluded to come round and “fix” the “problem”. Look at them both-have you ever seen such empty, witless eyes on a pair of human beings before? There’s really nothing happening in those minds is there? Nothing at all-they might as well just be made into soap for all the difference they are going to make.

My attitude to this whole situation has not been helped by some discussions in the office about this. Both the “five bellied fuck pig” and the “woman who sounds like Johnny Vegas” have been discussing their own various paranormal experiences. Which one was that ladies? The time that ghost came in and ate all the fucking pies?

Tits, fighting, gout, flintlock pistols, whores, gin and hanging…

No, not my plans for a happy and fulfilling retirement (although you would be forgiven for thinking so), but a reasonable synopsis of the series City of Vice which finished last night. I thoroughly enjoyed every episode.

If they repeat it I advise you watch it…

Whingeing little fuckers

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/IT'S SO UNFAIR!!!!

What exactly is the problem with this? My standard response to this kind of thing is exactly what you would expect of a retired Indian Army Colonel: “What’s wrong with National Service??? Pull yourself up by your damn bootstraps boy!!! This bloody country has gone to the dogs!!! Etc.

BBC breakfast this morning featured an interview with a “teenage rights campaigner”. I’ve no doubt the young man in question was a fine, clean living, upstanding young man, however his presence prompted 2 questions in my mind:

a) What the hell are you going to do when you grow up? And somewhat uncharitably, the wish that we never have to share an office.

And

b) Just what platform are you campaigning from, you vainglorious little shit? “Teenager’s Rights” indeed? Absurd-you don’t pay any tax, you have no responsibilities and you’re only a teenager for seven years anyway you arrogant fucker, and I’ve got a pair of fucking shoes older than that, so are far as I am concerned you can just fuck right off.

Shami Chakrabati can just fuck right off too. She claims this device can have no place in a society that values children. Bollocks. Any society that claims to value children must also take responsibility for ensuring they are brought up with discipline and a sense of responsibility and citizenship. As this appears to be lacking from many parents I’m quite happy for some kind of ultra sonic space-age siren thing to do the job instead.

"What type of society uses a low-level sonic weapon on its children? Imagine the outcry if a device was introduced that caused blanket discomfort to people of one race or gender, rather than to our kids," she has said.

Point 1-this is not a “low-level sonic weapon” as pretty much by definition, a weapon causes death or lasting harm and this does neither. It’s just a bit annoying for them.

Point 2-this device is clearly not being used to cause discomfort to specific gender or ethnic groups, nor has anyone any plans to do so. It’s really quite democratic actually, as it causes discomfort to everybody’s kids. As no one has even suggested such a thing so it’s a bit like saying “Imagine if our country started eating old people, rather than cows” apropos of nothing.

I also suspect that when Ms Chakrabati goes out to buy some milk from her local shop she doesn’t have to run a gauntlet of irritating little fuckers throwing bottles at each other and asking you to buy alcopops and 10 Regal kingsize for them. Then complaining that I mark the prices up by a few pence.

Oh Christ, there’s even more…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/do we live in Alabama?

Marrying cousins? Send shivers down your spine and brings bile to your throat doesn’t it?

It's a bit like when you wake up from one of those inappropriate sex dreams and all you have left in your head is a fuzzy memory of Thora Hird demanding that you “Give me all your hard cock, baby” or something.

Still, it would be a boring old world if we were all the same wouldn’t it?

RIP Roy Scheider

Damn shame-Jaws was a fucking good film. It also means that there won’t be another series of “SeaQuest DSV” either (sorry folks1), but I think we can all live with that, can’t we?

In honour of his passing I’d like to print (without their permission) the lyrics from the Gallows song “In the Belly of a Shark”.

So here I lie
In the belly of a shark
So fucking cold and so fucking dark
So here I lie
In the belly of a shark
How the fuck did I get this far
Now All I have to do is swim after you
Convince you to climb in to
Cut yourself first
They can smell your blood
From forty miles away
They’ll be here in no time
So here I lie
In the belly of a shark
So fucking cold and so fucking dark
So here I lie
So here I lie
In the belly of a shark
How the fuck did I get this far
I’m gonna show you
Exactly what you mean to me
I’m gonna eat every man that you see
I’m gonna show you
Exactly what you mean to me
I’m gonna eat every man that you see

On second thoughts, perhaps it not the best eulogy in the world.

Perhaps we could all sing it together, every year, on the anniversary of his passing? I think it's what he would have wanted.

Sorry Roy, I did my best…

The Undeserving Poor...

Sometimes I think I’ve turned into a monster, with my terrible right wing, knee jerk, Daily Mail, reactionary comments to almost every single thing in the news.

It’s a far cry from the young, idealistic principled man I used to be. Sometimes I mourn that loss of innocence, and wish I could be a little more forgiving, a little more understanding.

And then I read something like this:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/just what is wrong with your fucking wiring?

And I know I’m right. If there is ever a case for mass euthanasia this really is it…

What would possesses peoples to do this? Normal people don’t think: “hmm… what an edifying and intellectually satisfying episode of Jeremy Kyle that was. I shall never look at my pregnant girlfriend/sister in the same way again. Not being gainfully employed, it seems I’ve got a couple of hours to kill before Trisha Goddard starts. Now, shall I cook some delicious McCain’s Microchips, or shall I just try to kill some members of the emergency services?”.

You can talk about “disenfranchisement” and “the need to reengage with society” as much as you like. These people are just scum.

Does anyone else think that many council sink estates would be much nicer if they were made into lakes?

The Lustful Turk…

Today’s update has been replaced with an excerpt from “The Lustful Turk” (or “Lascivious Scenes from a Harem”) written in 1828.

Normal service will be resumed once my tumescence has subsided.

“It was the first liberty of the kind I ever sustained. You may guess the shock it first gave me, but you will scarcely credit it when I own that my indignation was not of long continuance. Nature, too powerful nature, had become alarmed and assisted his lascivious proceedings, conveying his kisses, brutal as they were, to the inmost recesses of my heart. On a sudden, new and wild sensations blended with my shame and rage, which exerted themselves but faintly; in fact, Silvia, in a few short moments his kisses and his tongue threw my senses into a complete tumult, an unknown fire rushed through every part of me, hurried by a strange pleasure. All my loud cries dwindled into gentle sighs, and in spite of my inward rage and grief, I could not resist, so wanting strength for self-defence, I could only bewail my situation. I told you he had me on his knees, with one of his arms round my neck. Finding how little I resisted, and having me thus with our lips closely joined, his other hand he suddenly thrust under my petticoats. Aroused by this vital insult, I strove to break from his arms, but it was of no use. He held me firm, my cries and reproaches he heeded not! If by my struggles I contrived to free my lips, they were quickly regained again; thus with his hand and his lips he kept me in the greatest disorder, whilst in proportion as it increased I felt my fury and strength diminish. At last a dizzy sensation seized on every sense. I felt his hand rapidly divide my thighs, and quickly one of his fingers penetrated that place which, God knows, no male hand had ever before touched. If anything was wanting to complete my confusion, it was the thrilling sensation I felt, caused by the touches of his finger.”

Over my dead body…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/Stone the infidels!!!!

I can’t believe there’s not more outright condemnation of this idea. I’m disgusted to think that in a secular country such as ours this idea is even sanctioned. Has everyone gone fucking mad?

Why should anyone live under religious law? This country spent many centuries dragging itself out of this kind of lunatic feudalistic shit-headedness, only to be dragged back into it because it celebrates “diversity” and individual freedom. Utter fucking bollocks. How can two systems of law do anything but hinder diversity and freedom, especially when one of them seems inclined to condemn women, non-Muslims and gays, (and practically everybody who is not a hard line fundamentalist Muslim)?

Yes, my views can be represented as racism of the most virulent sort, but from what I understand Sharia law does not represent true Islamic thinking (which appears, in its defence, to be considerably more forgiving than Christian law) but instead a series of antiquated cultural prejudices imported from a more brutal environment. It has no place here.

This country has a separation of church and state and I sincerely hope it always will.

I’m not surprised by the Church of England agreeing with this-they always been a bunch of useless, wishy washy wankers with no real grip on reality and a (thankfully) steadily declining influence on society…

I think I’m becoming Richard Littlejohn…

And I was under the impression that I was a Nazi…

Just been reading this:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/The poor must work or starve...

There’s not much in it I substantially disagree with, to be honest. However have just been reading some of the superb responses submitted via the website’s feedback mechanism. I quite like reading them because they makes me seem sane and reasonable.

Here are a few choice ones:

I’d have anyone without work for 6 months taken off benefits, their Children put into care and be made to dig new roads whilst living onsite in tents.

Barry Weaver, Deeside

The problem is these scroungers get too much. All an unemployed person needs is food and a roof over their head..

Dave Green

Kent

If you cannot be bothered to go out and look for work why should my taxes pay to put a roof over your head and your screaming brood. Get off your lazy backside and do something, I would sweep the streets if neccessary to feed my children.

Dave, Fareham

The system is no longer a safety net for those unfortunate to find themselves out of work, but a feather bed for the feckless

Reality Seeker, A Land of Haze

There are plenty of menial tasks that need doing all of which are necessary and will improve local communities.
If they don't like it, throw them into the streets. Put them in the gutter where they belong. It's not our responsibility to house and feed idle scum.

Keith Hutchinson, Sunderland, United Kingdom

They should be made to build roads in the baking heat or torrential rain, or made to mine salt and uranium in hellish subterranean conditions. Whatever the solution, they must be worked like dogs (like dogs I say!). If any of them fall by the wayside they must be kicked into gutters, spat upon and beaten to within an inch of their lives. Nothing must stop our progress. If they die of exhaustion their bones must be boiled for broth to feed their fellows. At all costs they must be made to pay for their insolence! To pay in Blood! There is no place in our country for those who are not prepared to give their lives for the greater good.

Or perhaps a voucher system?

Fat Edgar, A sane and just world

Not long now, you old cunt!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/arse licking Tory shit-stick

David Cameron has abased himself at the feat of what he believes is “one of the towering figures of the past 50 years” and "the greatest peace-time prime minister of the 20th Century" who "transformed our country". Yes, by systematically dismantling it, to benefit a handful of pin-striped twats in London.

Not bad going for an insane old baggage is it? Still, thankfully she is pretty much on her last legs and I suspect (and fervently hope) it will only be a matter of a few short years before I get the opportunity to piss on her fucking grave