What the fuck is this all about then?

Apologies for the length of this entry. I’ve had lots of thoughts in my head and very little chance to exorcise them…

For a start, what kind of terribly fucked up world are we living in where Frankie Dettori has his own brand of fucking tomatoes ? I saw them in the supermarket. What the devil is that all about? He’s a jockey, not a chef or even a food critic.

It’s not even like those bloody awful “Lloyd Grossman sauces” (which taste awful by the way. If that’s the way you think a dopiaza should taste Lloyd, I suggest you don’t act as high handed with the contestants on “Master Chef” in future) or Ainsley Bastard Harriott's magic cous cous , where the feeble minded could actually be forgiven for thinking the celebrities might have had a hand in formulating the recipes.

Are they trying to make us believe that Mr Dettori has something to do with the manufacture of these fucking tomatoes? That he either goes out at dawn into a sun kissed field and plucks them from the vines with his own tiny hands with the dew still on them, or just that he puts on a hair net and does a few shifts in the canning factory between races? In either event, I hope he cleans his hands after he has been touching horses, the dirty little bleeder…

Utter fucking rubbish.

I’ve also been off work recently, due to some health problems, and have once again been exposed to the never ending garbage that is daytime TV, the most disturbing aspect of which seems to be frequent reoccurrence of adverts featuring either Gloria Hunniford or June Whitfield (and now and then it’s Cilla Black capitalising on having lost a husband) wistfully advertising pensions, funeral insurance or those awful schemes to make the elderly sell their houses. It’s very disturbing-most of them start with a shot of the crone in question in a lovely quaint house or garden saying something like “Well, if you’re anything like me, you’re nearly dead. It won’t be long now, you know. Have you ever thought about that? Have you?” It really is very macabre.

In other news, it has come to my attention that all matters in this country, whether they are judicial, social or political, could all be solved equitably if they were presented to a triumvirate made up of what I like to call “The Three Jeremy’s”

• Jeremy Paxman
• Jeremy Kyle
• Jeremy Clarkson

Each of them could bring their own special skills to bear on the problem as each one of them represents a different but equally important aspect of humanity-one represents the “logical”, the second the “emotional” and third the “twat”.

I feel that this could be the basis of a whole new way of living for the people of this great country.

Obviously, it’s fraught with bureaucratic difficulties at present. These men all have busy schedules and convening them in the same room, even for the most minor or trivial matter, would be a logistical nightmare of the highest order.

I have however checked with some scientists (or at least some men in glasses-for me the two terms are virtually interchangeable) who have confirmed that it should soon be possible to “download” the personalities of these great men of our age into one giant computer (which I propose should be named “Aegis” as it will be our shield and protector) into which problems would be fed in one end and judgements worthy of Solomon will be excreted out the other, thus dispensing with most of the Judiciary, Civil Service, DHSS and many other Government functions at a stroke.

So there we are-the blueprint for a new, and far less messy, society.