Contrary to popular belief I am not fat, however people at work often ask me “what’s the best way to get fit/put on muscle/stop being a great big flab beast?”
The simple answer (for me at least) is unfortunately “exercise like a dervish several times a week, learn to fight and stop eating fucking cakes”, however as most people (probably quite sensibly) don’t want to put themselves through this they continue on their merry way giving themselves little treats and getting rounder and rounder. Because the benefits outweigh the penalties people just think “Ah, fuck it-I’ll have another pie..”. Human Nature… As long you think you look OK you aren’t really going to change (and why should you?). And fucking forget “Gentle Exercise” as that wont work-Pilates won’t get you any thinner or more toned on it’s own, in fact the only thing Plilates on it’s own will make you is a lot fucking poorer...
The simple truth of the matter is (I have decided) that the only sure fire way to do something about your physical condition is to ensure that you get your body into a state where you have to do something.
Because of various medical problems I might have mentioned in previous posts I have been unable to exercise as fully as I would normally like to for several months, and as a consequence I am rapidly becoming a disgusting fat mess that deserves to be worked like a rented mule until it sweats blood from every pore.
So, somewhat controversially, and to help increase the health of humanity, I have decided to share with you the secrets of the “I Hate My Body” Fitness Plan.
It is imperative for this plan to work that you do truly hate your body. It’s no good being in the middle ground and thinking “well, it’s not ideal, but I suppose it will do”. That simply won’t work. You have to be disgusted by the state of your body and be repelled by its stinking, fly blown corpulence for this plan to work (or conversely that you are a rake thin pencil necked freak).
In order to get to this stage you may first have to perform a few of Fate Edgar’s cognitive therapy exercises to ensure you attain the correct mind set. One of the most effective is to slump naked in front of a mirror and repeat to yourself over and over again: “I am a disgusting fat mess not fit to engage with society. No one can possibly love this steaming pile of lard and rotting organs”.
Try to repeat this exercise 10 times on 3 separate occasions each day, as you are aiming to get an unhealthily obsessive thought pattern and body dysmorphia. It might help if you begin the exercise by focusing on a part of your body you don’t like-concentrate on this perceived imperfection and try to blow its significance out of all proportion until it stands out (at least to you) like a great big steaming dog shit on a flower bed.
Don’t worry if the stress has caused you to actually increase the amount of junk you stuff down you gullet-this will only help to reinforce the negative body image I’m trying to work towards
If you manage to do this every day for a few months, regardless of the actual, real state of body, you will hopefully have reached the state required-you should now have convinced yourself that you are at least as unattractive and foul as Christopher Biggins.
The real trick is to pick the correct moment to start the exercise plan-ideally this should be before you develop an eating disorder (there’s no point trying to exercise if your throwing up all your energy) or attempt suicide (don’t be a quitter kids!).
At this point join a gym (or just buy some weights and a pair of running shoes) and disregard all the warnings you might get about consulting medical advice before embarking on an vigorous exercise program, or stopping if you get sudden, sharp chest pains. If the gym has attendants ignore what they say about starting on low weights, just double what they suggest and fucking go for it. Turn the running machine up the highest setting and tie yourself to it with a towel so you can’t escape. Or, you could just join a decent martial arts club and try to fight every fucker there-you’ll end up with a body like teak. Throughout all this, regardless of the progress you are making, keep repeating the cognitive exercises “I am a Troll, I am Troll..”. If you haven’t got a body like an Olympian within 4 months I’ll eat my fucking hat.
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