Rock of Love

Caught this incredible programme completely by accident… it’s a repeat, but there appears to be plans for a further series. I'd advise you to check it out...

It starts Brett Michaels (who is/used to be the lead singer of the ’80s glam metal band “Poison”). Weird within itself, as all I know of this man is that he was was, albeit briefly, a heartthrob in about 1987, or whenever the hell they released “Every Rose Has Its Thorn (and every night has its dorr-horr-horr-horrnnn)”.

As I remember I was an extremely young teenager at the time-as I am now rapidly becoming a proper old bastard this means that Mr. Michaels must also be getting on somewhat. And doesn’t he fucking look it.

He has unsuccessfully attempted to disguise his advancing years with the use of cowboy hats, sunglasses, bandanas and bargain basement cosmetic surgery. The result is a glassy eyed and portly looking cowboy wearing clothes made of dead reptiles-it’s not the best look for a man in middle age.

The series is set within a building we are led to believe is Brett’s Mansion. This I doubt…I think Bret has long since sucked all his money up his fucking nose-the building is filled with rock cliches and numerous pictures of Bret when he was a younger, thinner and far better looking man, as opposed to the shambling monster he has become.

I’d like to think that in reality Bret shares a cockroach infested apartment with Axl Rose and Sebastian Bach from Skid Row, where they attempt unsuccessfully to seduce fat teenage girls by singing acoustic versions of songs they wrote a quarter of a century ago.

I’ve digressed somewhat, however the mansion is filled with a number of extremely odd women who are all competing to become Bret’s love interest-the actual reason why they would want to do this is never fully explained. In order to achieve this end they are assigned a series of meaningless reality TV show type tasks with a contrived “Rock n’ Roll” type twist, such as a “Talent” show carried out in a peep show.

The vast majority of these women are insane, and one of them looks just like Pete Burns and the rest like bland faceless would-be porn starlets. The enjoyment of the show comes from the sheer unpleasantness of everyone involved, from Bret downwards. Each of the women appear to be vacuous, back stabbing harpies who think they are far better looking that they actually are.

Occasionally Bret has to evict certain women, normally on the grounds that they do not appear to be sexually available for him. Sometimes he will reward others with “dates” and VIP passes and such like.

I hope I've managed to get across the sheer retarded awfulness of the programme...it utterly beggars belief. To top it all it's made by a production company who very knowingly have called themselves "Mindless Entertainment".

It’s awful, compelling viewing-I’m planning a remake for the British Market starring Jimmy Nail.

Fairly sure that in a country of 60 Million I’ll be able to find a couple of dozen women who still have fantasies about Jimmy Nail 20 years after he released his last record-no guarantees on what they’ll look like though, and whether they will be let out for the filming of a TV show.