Preparing for the End Times (Part 1)

As part of my rampant paranoia I am constantly aware of the imminent commencement of “The End Times”. Although the exact nature of the End Times has not been ascertained by the Bible/Scientists/People who get messages from Elvis though their teeth, there are a number of all round precautions you can make to lessen its impact.

I am writing these notes as a step by step guide to ensure that you are prepared for survival. You might think that this is unusual and surprisingly altruistic of me, as there will obviously be a great deal of fierce competition for food and resources and to a certain extent the less people around the better. However I am aware that I will need people to help me rebuild a new clean society and I will also require subjects for when I choose live in a tent up a tree like Tina Tuner did in Mad Max 3.

Some thoughts regarding your basic requirements:

Shelter-make sure you have a reasonable place to hide out during the End Times. Ideally something underground, or in the hills (although a tent or caravan is probably entirely unsuitable) where you can lie low whilst the worst of it passes. Most urban areas are unlikely to become extremely unpleasant and will quickly become overrun with Alien war machines or giant spiders. I already have my shelter sorted out, and if you come near it, I will regrettably be forced to shoot you.

Food-tinned food is good but heavy, so dehydrated stuff is better. Try to get a variety to meet all your nutritional requirements-attempting to fight off legions malevolent robot overlords after eating only Curry flavoured pot noodles for the last five years is not an ideal situation. You could try growing your own vegetables, but it might be easier (and more fun) to plunder isolated homesteads as part of a large bike gang army. Cannibalism may regrettably be necessary in some areas.

Weapons-As we don’t know the exact nature of what we might face during the End Times I suggest a broad range of weapons to cover as many eventualities as possible. Shotguns are of course a popular choice ideal for repelling hideous mutants but they are not particularly effective against werewolves or demons from other dimensions-try to get something reusable like a crossbow as well, just in case. Long weapons, such as lances can be used against Triffids without fears of getting stung and if you are good with technical projects you might want to try making a big fucking flamethrower as well. For closer range work machetes and chainsaws are the best and most reliable solution.

Transport-Something reliable is a must, as it is unlikely that Kwik Fit or the AA will still be in operation after the apocalypse. Old Land Rovers are very good-unlikely to break down and also heavy enough to be effective for running over zombies if required. You may also be able to escape the plague if you are fast enough and don’t mind a bit of off road driving. Depending on the nature of the radioactive materials present in the food chain chariots drawn by giant mutant goats may also be a possibility.

These are just a few initial points to get you going (and hopefully thinking). Remember-with a bit of forethought and planning the impending apocalypse can be fun!