ANGERCISE

This is an advertisement I am putting in “Men’s Health” for my new exercise programme. It’s one of the many commercial “irons in the fire” I currently have, including a revolutionary new type of biscuit and a small cannon that fires pork pies (I believe it will have many uses in the law enforcement community).

I’m always looking for new investors, so please feel free to give me a shout if you fancy “Making ££££££££££££s in your spare time”.

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“You know, people often say to me “Fat Edgar, how do you stay so lean and slim despite eating old meat like some kind of fucking industrial bin?” to which I reply “Because, you Fat Slob, I exercise like a bastard as much as possible, rather than sitting in the dark eating biscuits and crying. Now get your hands out of your desk drawer, you orange fingered old cunt, I can see the enormous open bag of wotsits you have in there.”

To help people like this, and even yourselves I have created my own exercise programme, it’s called “Angercise” and it’s something that works very well for me AND IT CAN WORK FOR YOU TOO!!

Scientifically developed using a combination of psychological and physical techniques the programme relies almost entirely on emotional “triggers” that are based on the limited emotional concepts most men are capable of experiencing (very little extra equipment is needed for the programme).

The triggers themselves are:

“Sex”
“Fighting”
“Anger”
“Sausages”
“Sleep”

By conscious manipulation of these concepts; for example by thinking about fighting, whilst at the same time restricting your sausage consumption you will find much “Anger” is created-“Anger” is the core component of “Angercise”, however I believe Anger alone is not enough-it must be precisely honed and focused into a blinding red mist.

By combining other triggers-for instance by realising it is now sometime since you have had a decent nights sleep-you can whip yourself up into a massive fury and move onto other, much more useful anger states including (but in no way limited) to:

“Paranoid Revenge Fantasies”
“Envy”
“It’s all their fault”
“I hate my body”
“I will fucking murder you all, you spineless pack of gibbons”
“Look at him, the smug fucking cunt, I’ll smash his fucking face in”

The only limit to your potential is your lack of personal demons!!!

All you need is complete random directionless fury, and a punch bag (or vagrant) and you’re well away-just watch the pounds drop off!

Why not sign up today?”
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It’s always worked for me, and if this proves popular I will be producing a line of “Angercise” sports wear and accessories, and also a range of special sport/energy sausages (essentially premium pork sausages containing different ratios of Amphetamines/alcohol)