Customer service is an art form

One with which i am most adept...

Recently, against almost everyone’s better judgment we have created a facility whereby our customers can unlock the magic powers of their computers to create and log queries with us, rather than pick up the phone and speak to our highly trained team of call centre monkeys (which is almost always a collision of low impact intellects).

We have been tasked to produce suitable automated replies to these queries, here is mine:

"Dear valued customer

Many thanks for your recent query.

After filtering the contents of your brain through one of our special “Mind Sieves” we have been to ascertain the general gist of your train of thought, and even if we still haven’t managed to really grasp the specifics of your unfocused rage we feel more than optimistic about rectifying the terrible personal slight our company appears to have randomly inflicted on you.

There may be a small delay in reviewing your query due to the fact that you did not, at any point add any contact details to your query, which is of course our fault entirely (as indeed is the awful standard of spelling and grammar within the content of your query. We would like to assure that has nothing to do with the fact that you appear to have the typing skills of something with a set of pig’s tits for fingers and is entirely our responsibility).

If there is any further way in which I can help you at this juncture please do not hesitate, even for one moment, before picking up the phone and bellowing randomly down it like a wounded and confused cow, as I for one like nothing better than to listen to the petty vindictive ramblings of a low calibre intellect for a protracted period of time.

Please rest assured that I will not allow myself, or anyone else within this vast and spurious organisation, to rest until this grave and terrible insult has been wiped forever from the pages of history.

Your spastic hat is in the post.

Fat Edgar"

I think this hits exactly the right balance between professionalism and caring..