Didn’t they do well?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/this shithole makes "Black Hawk Down" look like "Operation Dumbo Drop"

Apparently Rwanda is the “most improved” country in sub Saharan Africa. Well, they couldn’t really have started much lower down the pack could they? 10 years ago they were embroiled in a hideous civil war and large scale genocide was the country’s most popular recreational pastime so I suppose the only way they could go was up really.

“Improved” can only really be a relative term in these situations-it glosses over a multitude of sins... It’s a bit like trying to make Somalia seem like a pleasant holiday destination by saying “Mogadishu is so quaint and charming” or that "The weather in Sierra Leone is nearly always lovely".

Anyway, happy ending-Rwanda is now a stable nation state governed by a psychotic military despot whose entire government is made up of members of his family, who cannibalises small children, bases all his decisions on signs he reads in the entrails of dead jackals and has over 14,000 wives (one of whom he sacrifices each day to some disgusting heathen god). Probably.

Isn't it nice when they can enjoy themselves?

Surprising as it may seem from my continued rants about almost everything in the world, I am actually a staunch advocate of the welfare state-I think on a fundamental level it forms the backbone of this country, allowing us free education and healthcare, (which are two of the finest privileges available) whilst ensuring that the vulnerable in out society are if not as well looked after as they could be then at least made slightly more comfortable..

I also think it provides an invaluable safety net for those who lose jobs, are made redundant or are genuinely unable to work-indeed, I have been among this number.

I also think it’s especially useful for those young people who have found themselves “disengaged” from education, and so perhaps feel like they might not want to work. Well, that’s fine isn’t it? You don’t need to worry, I’m happy to pay for you for the rest of your life!

Tell you what kids, at the end of each working day I’ll set aside a little bit of the money I have earned that day, just for you. That way you won’t have to worry will you? It can be put in that little account, (where so much of my money seems to go!) called “Fucking Incompetents and Government Wastage” and you can spend it on alcohol and tracksuits.

It’s special little things like this-such imaginative use of public goodwill-that give me such a warm fuzzy feeling inside. It’s like when I am going to work in the morning and I see happy, healthy people standing on street corners drinking Stella. What a lovely breakfast that must be-so much more imaginative and relaxed than my own rushed cup of tea and toast!

Anyway-this update is especially for those people. You cheered me up so much with your happy carefree faces when I saw you this morning that I felt I just had to tell someone…

I’ve always had this sense of non specific existential dread early in the mornings

Does anyone else wake up with in the night with a overwhelming sense of foreboding, full of terror at what the day might bring, and hoping that the night will never end so they don’t have to face the uncaring glare of the sunlight, which silently mocks them?

No? Just me then…

Hmmm...Where have we seen this before then?

"I'm getting on with the job of implementing Labour's manifesto. Do I need to call an election to do so? No."

"To set ambitious long-term goals and then stay the course to meet the challenges of the decade ahead"

"I think anybody who knows that a few people with guns can disrupt a whole area will want the police to use these powers" (to) "punish and prevent"

Worrying... no elections, 10 year economic plans, , a plan to crack down on foreigners and a nice shiny police state...

Well, we all DID say it would be nice to have a leader with some balls.

I’ve had a (another) great idea for “Dragon’s Den”

It needs a bit of explaining though....

Like many other companies who want to appear to have embraced multiculturalism without actually bothering, the company I work for have provided Muslim colleagues who wish to observe their right to prayer with somewhat substandard accommodation.

So far they have been given (at various points) a leaky shed, an old shower room, a disused goods lift and a second hand tent in the car park to use for religious purposes.

As you can probably appreciate, most of them have said “Fuck this” and they head for the nearest mosque at lunchtimes, thus sacrificing their lunch breaks.

There must be any number of companies with the same problems-how to appear to be taking into account other cultures and systems of belief whilst simultaneously not really giving a flying fuck.

The solution is “inflatable mosques” (much like bouncy castles, but more Arabic looking) that can be deflated and stored when not needed. Plus, you can charge people a pound to jump around on them as well. Even that cunt Peter Jones would jump at the chance to invest in that….

Has the world gone fucking mad?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/fat kids will always have it rough

Apparently the government are planning to spend 560 trillion pounds (I may be wrong about the number here) on combating “cyber bullying”*. For fucks sake…

When I was at school bullies wouldn’t send you and email that would “have the potential to hurt your feelings”-they would operate in packs to capture a child and put their head in a vice in the metal work room until their eyes popped out, or attack people in the playground with sharpened rulers or something. I think many children in my day just regarded school as “prison practice”.

Kids these days don’t know they are fucking born. Now apparently they just pass around some new fangled phone video things of people. What the fucks that all about then? It doesn’t even hurt…

There also seems to be an issue with teachers who feel threatened by this “cyber bullying”. What is this? The Children if the Fucking Corn? For Christ’s sake man, you’re an adult and they are children, now grow a pair of fucking balls…

My old man worked in a series of extremely rough schools for his entire career, and even when he was well into his 60s he could still scare the living crap of even the most troublesome teenager (I know this as I once worked with a couple of his ex pupils).

Isn’t it about time we returned to proper Victorian values of discipline, child labour and senseless mass slaughter in wars? We’ll never rebuild the empire at this rate.

* note to lazy journalists-please see a dictionary for a definition of what “Cyber” means. Do you understand now? Good, now please stop using it as an adjective or prefix for anything even remotely connected with computers or technology. It’s really beginning to fucking piss me off…

Rivers of Blood? My Arse....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/hide the kids woman, the wogs are coming over the hill...

Interesting-according to this report it is now practically impossible for a decent white person to leave the house without being repeatedly run over by a drunken, knife wielding foreign criminal who speaks no English and only came over here to traffic prostitutes (and yet somehow ended up picking cabbages in Norfolk for 12p an hour instead).

Well, let’s at least look on the bright side of all of this-if this trend continues along with global warming we soon will have no need to go abroad for our holidays will we? What with having authentic “foreign” experiences like that on our doorsteps…

Job Advert

Do you want to improve customer care?

We are looking for an enthusiastic team player who is self motivated with a good background of prevarication and a limitless capacity for conniving and lies. We need enthusiasm and excellent interpersonal skills with an ability to build and maintain solid relationships with customers through integrity and commitment and massive fucking backhanders.

TWAT Ltd is the UK’s leading supplier of pointless administrative nonsense-as an innovative provider of ceaseless carping bollocks, our corporate policies ensure realistic and objective appraisal of absolutely cock all.

Reporting to someone who is rarely, if ever, found in the office, the post holder will have line management responsibility for a team of school leavers and disaffected sociopaths to develop the business and ensure the quality and standard of our products and services, responsibilities include:

• Drive the direction and development of products to ensure that no one product is ever finished to an appropriate and saleable standard

• Ensure the quality and standard of company buzzwords
• Limitless ego massaging of key opposite numbers, in equally pointless positions
• Manage and support the department through a series of bizarre and didactic statements designed to provoke confusion and disharmony
• Identify and maximise opportunities to denigrate and abuse ethnic minorities, women and the disabled through a process of indirect discrimination and claims that people “just don’t have a sense of humour these days”
• Ensuring that you are fully capable of bobbing your head like a fucking nodding dog in meetings, whilst making affirmative type noises and not having a fucking clue what is going on underneath your own fucking nose
• Ensure the promotion, management and delivery of your own personal agenda

The post holder will work closely with and support the activities of other members of the old boy network to support all sales, commercial and operational activity.

This role requires a dynamic and enthusiastic professional, willing to lie, steal and occasionally destroy lives on a whim and with a nonchalance that would have fucking made Harold Shipman blush and who is able to tackle challenging projects and achieve targets regardless of the sheer pointlessness of their existence. With a proven track record of being a colossal cunt, you will encourage your department to achieve the highest standards of non productivity and meet pre-defined yet nebulous targets while responding to daily challenges by not being present when they occur.

To apply, please email your CV and covering letter (via your local freemasons) to our head office in the Cayman Islands

We are an equal opportunities employer, although strangely you will find no blacks in the office.

Makeover TV

I’m listening to a conversation about makeover programmes on TV. Tedious.

I have however thought of a great idea for a new one. It’s one in which I get someone who’s got very low self esteem, so low it’s debilitating-perhaps they’ve gained loads of weight, or their partner has left them-they may even have a medical condition that has aged them prematurely.

I’ll promise to change their life for them (but it won’t be easy), I’ll get them on the show and I’ll make them open up about themselves and tell me all about how unhappy they are, and how much they are looking forwards to this, as their lives are just so intolerable.

Then, as part of the "healing process" I’ll make them take all their clothes off in front of a studio audience, then I will just step back and laugh in their fucking faces.

The show is called “What do you think I am? A FUCKING MAGICIAN?”

Have we learned NOTHING from Pearl Harbour?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/for fucks sake they are at it again…

Apparently it’s all very innocent and “for the causes of Science”. I have my doubts.

This is a bit like their claim that the entire Japanese whaling fleet is used for “Scientific Research only”-which I suppose is strictly true as the aim of their research seems to be “How many whales can we kill this year?”

This rocket/doomsday device has been called “Kayuya” after the princess in an old Japanese fairy tale who flew up to the moon. How sweet.

It all sounds very innocent until you remember that “Kamikaze” means just means “Divine Wind” and therefore couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. And that Japanese fighter planes were called “Cherry Blossoms”...

Now, I’m not being a racialist here-I’m all for building bridges. It’s just I’d rather not do it with a bayonet stuck in my back if that could be helped.

a few compassionate words of reason...

Some people have said to me “Edgar, you’d better watch what you write, because sometimes you sound like a Nazi”.

Thank you for your concern, however nothing could be further from the truth-I am in fact a deeply caring and sensitive man with endless reserves of patience, whose heart sometimes literally fucking bleeds for those more unfortunate, or less intelligent than myself-those people, who through no fault of their own seem unable to function correctly in society, and instead prefer to stand around on street corners all day wearing dirty tracksuits and looking for things to steal-I fear is if this situation is allowed to perpetuate we all face a bleak, dystopian future.

However because I’m middle class and reasonably well educated, like most people in my position I have a very liberal and enlightened view about matters such as social deprivation and class inequality, views which are best summed up as:

“I don’t care what these filthy vermin do in their own rat infested slums, garrets and alleyways, but if one of them so much as steps foot on my property, by God I’ll set the dogs on them…!”

nothing like a good monkey knife fight to get the blood going....

Shocking statistics about gun crime

Just read an article of the BBC website about the “massive” rise in gun crime.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/i'm 17 year old who thinks he's a gangster/6988205.stm

Hogwash and piffle.

Apparently one in five men claims they can get hold of an illegal firearm. Utter bollocks and macho posturing. I reckon four out of five men can’t fight their way out of a fucking paper bag, never mind know someone who can supply them with a gun.

They also provide some interesting statistics-apparently 45% of people are scared of guns. Well, yes-this really would be the sensible approach wouldn’t it? As opposed to saying, for instance “Oh guns, yeah! I think they’re really cuddly, and sometimes I give mine to my toddler to play with…”

Also, the number of “fatalities and injuries” has increased from 864 in 1998-9 to 3,821 in 2005-6, which sounds alarming until you look at the little graph they provide:

All this shows is that whilst the number of injuries has risen approx 4 fold the number of fatalities has remained pretty much static. This suggests that before we take this “crime epidemic” seriously it might be worth investing in some target practice first…

An excerpt from the Diary of Samuel Pepys, from this day, 1667

10 September

Dear Diary

Once again my sluggish bowels have confounded me-I have been unable to pass anything more substantial than tiny nuggets, which are at best the size of Maltesers and at worst indistinguishable from chocolate raisins, for 3 days now.

I feel my impacted giblets can only be a consequence of my recent diet of inexpensive meats…

How foolish of me to try to economise by purchasing tainted mince...

The McCann Saga

There’ll be a film of this in a few years, mark my words…

So it appears that they have found evidence of the daughter’s blood in a hire car the little girl shouldn’t have been in? Wonder what made them check after all this time? Is it me, or does this seems to be a very unusual way of carrying out a criminal investigation?

Not that I am in any way in doubt of the skills and abilities of foreign police forces, or that I would suggest that they are staffed with inept and corrupt officials.

Numerous times whilst I have been abroad I have been impressed with their refreshing attitude towards the wearing of consistent uniforms and their dedication towards safety procedures whilst handling firearms. No doubt this resolute approach would also translate well into ensuring the integrity of crime scenes etc.

All in all I find them a model of discipline and integrity, and unlikely to hardly ever take bribes. I have no doubts that the Portuguese system of justice, where no information is released to the press, public or defence lawyers means that everything is entirely above board and beyond reproach.

I think that this recent press release from Captain Ineptides of the Portuguese Police Force detailing the progress of their investigation may shed some light on their exhausting, round the clock efforts.:

“We no look in car before this because, hey, we have siesta then we forget, no? When little girl go missing, we forget to lock hotel room anyway so rats get in first, so science men from Lisbon, they are no good. I go poke hedge with stick and she no there either.

Then my Uncle Miguel’s donkey go missing so we are spending time looking for that next, for next two months maybe.

After that we fall asleep under tree and am woken by pretty Mrs McCann. She very pretty lady, I pinch her arse you know…heh! heh! Anyway, after that I speak to my brother and he say “hey maybe she was stolen by Gypsies eh?” So, we go after filthy Gypsies and I shoot maybe four, five of them, but no little girl. I think maybe she turn up soon…maybe we bring nice Mrs McCann back in so I can sweat at her some more hey?

She go home now-maybe she like Portugal so much she come back on holiday next year?”

Apparently I’ve been a little unkind…

I’ve had a bit of a telling off today-apparently I was very short with a colleague who was wasting my time.

OH DEAR, I DO HOPE I HAVE NOT HURT THEIR FEELINGS…because that would be awful wouldn’t it? Then they might not think they would have carte blanche to bother me all day with fucking stupid questions anymore would they?

Wouldn’t it be so very liberating if you could say exactly what you thought to your colleagues without getting fired.

I would really like to be able to walk through the door on a morning with a cheery “Morning Cunts!”

I think it would be a very effective way of setting the tone for the day…

Mika

This mans very existence annoys me and the fact that he stubbornly refuses to do the decent thing and eat the end of a shotgun frankly disgusts me.

By all accounts he’s getting a bit sick of being compared to Freddie Mercury. Well, perhaps you could try not try sounding not completely fucking like him for a change, you springy haired cunt.

And that song about big girls annoys me-it’s so clearly and cynically just a ruse to get money from larger girls (which they could otherwise have spent on Greggs pastys).

I think he should put his money where his mouth and actually shag a fat bird-I’d believe he meant it then.

In fact, I want him to rerecord the video, except this time I want to see him enthusiastically penetrating Ann Widdecombe from behind.

that's very easy for you to say, you're a fucking dalek...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/spacespakker