Job Advert

Do you want to improve customer care?

We are looking for an enthusiastic team player who is self motivated with a good background of prevarication and a limitless capacity for conniving and lies. We need enthusiasm and excellent interpersonal skills with an ability to build and maintain solid relationships with customers through integrity and commitment and massive fucking backhanders.

TWAT Ltd is the UK’s leading supplier of pointless administrative nonsense-as an innovative provider of ceaseless carping bollocks, our corporate policies ensure realistic and objective appraisal of absolutely cock all.

Reporting to someone who is rarely, if ever, found in the office, the post holder will have line management responsibility for a team of school leavers and disaffected sociopaths to develop the business and ensure the quality and standard of our products and services, responsibilities include:

• Drive the direction and development of products to ensure that no one product is ever finished to an appropriate and saleable standard

• Ensure the quality and standard of company buzzwords
• Limitless ego massaging of key opposite numbers, in equally pointless positions
• Manage and support the department through a series of bizarre and didactic statements designed to provoke confusion and disharmony
• Identify and maximise opportunities to denigrate and abuse ethnic minorities, women and the disabled through a process of indirect discrimination and claims that people “just don’t have a sense of humour these days”
• Ensuring that you are fully capable of bobbing your head like a fucking nodding dog in meetings, whilst making affirmative type noises and not having a fucking clue what is going on underneath your own fucking nose
• Ensure the promotion, management and delivery of your own personal agenda

The post holder will work closely with and support the activities of other members of the old boy network to support all sales, commercial and operational activity.

This role requires a dynamic and enthusiastic professional, willing to lie, steal and occasionally destroy lives on a whim and with a nonchalance that would have fucking made Harold Shipman blush and who is able to tackle challenging projects and achieve targets regardless of the sheer pointlessness of their existence. With a proven track record of being a colossal cunt, you will encourage your department to achieve the highest standards of non productivity and meet pre-defined yet nebulous targets while responding to daily challenges by not being present when they occur.

To apply, please email your CV and covering letter (via your local freemasons) to our head office in the Cayman Islands

We are an equal opportunities employer, although strangely you will find no blacks in the office.