The Wretched Inconvenience that is Modern Employment Law

In an abrupt move from the pseudo-political slant of some of my more recent rants I have decided today to move back to the arena with which I am far more familiar-my complete and utter contempt for most people.

There’s no escaping the fact that we are constantly surrounded by Divs. There was some research done a few years ago saying that the average city dweller was never more than ten feet away from a rat. I can absolutely fucking guarantee that if you work in an office you are considerably closer than this to a colossal fuckwit.

It can’t have escaped the attention of anyone who works in an office (I can’t speak for many other working environments although I suspect the situation is exactly the same) that some of the people in your office, if they weren’t using a computer as an adjunct to their somewhat basic intelligence, would have to forge themselves a new career in the lucrative and competitive world of “scrabbling in bins for food”, such is their seeming inability to perform even the most mundane of tasks outside of their normal remit without first staring blankly into the middle distance for a good ten fucking minutes.

I can see quite a few examples of this kind of genetic refuse from my fortified alcove in the corner of the office-people whose induction to their jobs appears to only have consisted of “right then, press a button once every minute-if that phone rings, pick it up and mumble a monosyllabic response-do this every day until six months before you die.”. Mind you, as long as they are allowed to eat pies while they are doing this they don’t seem to mind that much.

I have even, to my own misfortune, inherited a few when I took over this department (my first step on the way to world domination). Thankfully I have been able to get rid of most of them, but employment law being what it is, just like the stubborn stains around the bowl of the toilet after you’ve had a particularly virulent stomach bug, there are still one of two that are proving very resistant.

I may have to consult one of the management books I have been given regarding this problem, although I suspect that “Discover your inner Braying Fuckwit” or whatever it’s called won’t cover this situation. I might have to write my own book on this-I think I’m going to call it “Idiots: How to hurt their minds” or something similar. I think there's probably potential for a Seminar in that actually...