Dirty Northern foods of the 1980s

Never one to be afraid of jumping on the nostalgia bandwagon, and as a reaction to the rash of programs on TV in which parents claim it’s the supermarkets fault their children are too fat to move without falling over, or that they suffer a near death experience when exposed to fucking peanuts, here’s a list of just some of the terrible processed foods I was fed as a child.

I suspect that you probably can’t even buy many of them now as they were essentially made up entirely of additives and would kill a weak modern child.

However, I’m now 6’4, weigh just under 15 stone and am highly intelligent, so Jamie Oliver stick that in his pipe and fucking smoke it.

Findus Crispy pancakes

Disks of long chain polymers encasing a mixture of PVA glue and MSG. covered in orange gritty bits. Horrific.

Potato Waffles

A matrix of deep fried potato starch-if you had 5 of them, you could build a cage for gorillas you could make out of mince (if you were the kind of child who’s parents didn’t buy you many toys).

Vienetta

Sheer, unadulterated sophistication. Looked upon by the middle classes in much the same way that Ferraro Rocher are regarded today by witless fat people in your office i.e. as the height of class and taste. Also in common with Ferarro Rocher, they tasted shit.

Ice Magic

A sort of chocolate flavoured plastic that set rock hard upon contact with air or liquid. In retrospect, probably better employed mending oil rigs rather than as an ice cream condiment.

Chicken Kievs

The fate of birds that offended Bernard Mathews. Pretty much just animal by products, mealed feathers and garlic butter.

Instant Whip/Angel Delight/ Chocolate mousses in packs of 10.

Curious chemical properties that caused milk to solidify like runny tiling grout.

Artic Roll

Bland, grainy ice cream, flavoured with Cillit Bang and encircled with a layer of tasteless sponge. There is no point to this food.

All the above were punctuated by numerous offal stews and other unlikely dishes created by my mother, who was under the impression that is was 1943, and we were still under blockade by German U-boats.

Despite this diet, I have managed to get into my mid thirties without any health problems and I am as strong as a fucking bull. So fuck knows what parents are doing to their kids these days to make them so piss weak….