Things that people claim are “music” but aren’t really

Things that people claim are “music” but aren’t really

Please note-this list is not exhaustive

• Whale/Dolphin “songs” – Awful, viscous fucking creatures that eat drowning fishermen and “talk” to each other in unpleasant high pitched voices (a bit like my dreams of pirate dwarves). And you always wanted to swim with them? You fucking freak. Is it any wonder that the Japanese try to kill as many as possible? Good luck to them I say-might wipe the smile off their fucking faces.

• World Music-A dreadful cacophony of discordant nonsense. If you wish to listen to “Flight of the Condor” played on bagpipes, or “Danny Boy” played on the fucking pan pipes and sitar can I please suggest that you get voluntarily sectioned? Thank you.

• "Stomp!" – Don’t get me started on those cunts.

• R n’ B – It’s just black people in shiny clothes warbling about gold jewellery and shagging. That’s not a genre, that’s just rubbish.

• Craig Fucking David – As above but even more so. Craig David was initially famous as the man who came second in the international contest for “Least sexually threatening black man on the planet” (Will Smith came first, Lenny Henry a close third). It’s nothing to build a singing career on really.

• Insipid pop music - Almost any current form of modern “pop music” that relies on a combination of insipid sexuality and/or cynical appeals to the burgeoning individuality of pubescent girls is by definition “the Devils work”. By this I mean the type of dreadful “girl band” started by the Spice Girls that has managed to reach it’s zenith with such dreadful groups as “Girl Aloud”. While I’m on the subject Boy Bands are just as bad-generally just four shiny little cunts on stools looking “moody” and “cute”. Faces you could punch all day and not get bored. Fuckers.

Increasingly, the only type of music Fat Edgar finds he can listen to is Motorhead.