Tipton Dave

Tipton Dave is a man I once met in Birmingham. I know he was called Tipton Dave because that was what was tattooed on the side of his head. The other side portrayed what was either a swastika or the SS lighting flashes. I’m not sure which and it seemed rude to stare.

Tipton Dave himself is (or was) an enormous mountain of a man. Aged about 60, he had a shaved head, scarred knuckles and forearms like 2 enormous hams. Curiously, the tattoos on his head were the only ones I could see (he was wearing a vest at the time I met him), as if he had decided that all other forms of tattoos on any other parts of his body were effeminate. Almost as if he was saying “only girls and fucking poofters have “ACAB” tattooed on their fucking knuckles, or bulldogs on their forearms. I’ve just got my fucking name on my fucking head. Beat that you fuckers. You know where to find me if you fucking fancy some. I’M TIPTON FUCKING DAVE YOU CUNTS!”. Or something along those lines anyway.

The reason I bring up Tipton Dave is because I think everyone who despises fools should behave more like Tipton Dave would probably behave, and less like nice well brought up people when faced with the sheer blinkered pig ignorance and idiocy of some of the startlingly fucking shit thick wankers there are out there. I’d like to relate a short conversation I had relatively recently to illustrate my point:

Fat Edgar was reading a book during lunch at his desk. He is interrupted from this small, jealously guarded respite from the stupidity of the world around him by the strident hectoring tone of the racist fish wife:

RFW (proudly): I’m reading a book too.

FE: Hmm? Are you really?

RFW: Oh yes.

FE: Really???

RFW: I borrowed it from my daughter.

FE: Well yes, there’s no reason to have your own books in the house is there? They just take up valuable space that could otherwise be used to display the charming ornamental plates depicting bullfight scenes you routinely bring back from your dreadful package holidays.

RFW: It’s got a blue cover…

FE: They are always the ones that get the best reviews, aren’t they?

RFW: It’s about a dog. I think.

FE: hmmm. Wonderful-it sounds heartwarming. Borrowed blue dog books. Everyday I witness your growth as an individual…

In case you were wondering the book was “The curious incident of the Dog in the night time”. She didn’t like it much in the end. "Full of numbers and stuff" apparently.

All I’m saying here is that rather than sit through this kind of absurd travesty of a conversation, when presented with comments like the above, simply think “What would Tipton Dave do in this situation?” and act accordingly. In this case simply by beating the person’s head against the wall repeatedly and shouting “How dare you interrupt my life, you disgraceful old sow?!” until the police arrive.

You might make some enemies, you might make some friends. You may very probably end up in prison. But, my God, surely that’s better than having to put up with this?