My Productive Morning

Do you remember when you were at school and occasionally they would bring in people to talk about the wonderful world of work, and how rewarding and productive it would be for us?

They were lying little cunts weren't they?

Well, I’ve spent my morning dealing with the fallout from this email string (see below-I have changed the names of those involved in the emails not to protect the terminally stupid, but to prevent being convicted of cyber crimes).

Basically it revolves round a few principal characters –myself, Fucknut Number 1, Div who can’t Spell, Dingbat Fuckflaps, Pig Faced Slapper and Racist Fish Wife, with a smattering of bit players and bystanders.

As manager of some of said fools I have been dragged in to mediate this conflict…

My apologies for the length of this post, I really find it very difficult to understand how I got to a point in my life where I had to deal with spanners like this. The emails speak for themselves really...

Let it begin:

..................................................................................

From: Racist Fish Wife
To: Fat Edgar
Subject: RE: SALAAM

Good poor Fucknut Number 1 is very upset about this and so is all of our department, also then to drag me into it and want to beat me up.

________________________________________
From: Fat Edgar
To: Racist Fish Wife; Fat Edgar’s Boss
Subject: RE: SALAAM
Hello Racist Fish Wife

We are escalating this issue with Some Other Poor Fucker Who’s Too Busy To Deal With This Shit Right Now now.

Will keep you posted

Fat Edgar

From: Racist Fish Wife
To: Fat Edgar
Subject: RE: SALAAM

Hi
This is totally unacceptable

________________________________________
From: Fucknut number 1
To: Racist Fish Wife Hirst; Innocent Bystander number 1; Innocent Bystander number 2
Subject: FW: SALAAM


________________________________________
From: Div who can’t spell
To: Fucknut number 1
Subject: RE: SALAAM

he just sent this email to my team.... thick shi*.... he finks he knows it all... see my reply attached... LOL
READ ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.....lol

Yes we are aware Dingbat Fuckflaps, but people should really come out of the fault logs if someone else is looking into this, that's much easier to do.
Or we can all shout like Pig faced slapper and say oiiiiiiiiii get out of my fault log... :0)

________________________________________
From: Dingbat Fuckflaps
To: SHIP OF FOOLS
Subject: ECR's Locked

Not sure if everyone was aware of how to do this or not
If someone has left themselves in an fault log rather than having to mail them to come out you can just chuck them out
From the main fault screen go Information then Support Utilities then Recover Locked Fault log
Find the Fault Log number then press then the Entry number then Y to confirm

________________________________________
From: Fucknut number 1
To: Div who can’t spell
Subject: RE: SALAAM

tell him if he has anything to say to me be a man and say it to my face and then I will show him!

________________________________________
From: Div who can’t spell
To: Fucknut number 1
Subject: SALAAM

i fink he's just cussin u at the mo... LOL. AM SURE i heard him say something like ur people R THICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
Pig faced slapper wants me to go and beat Racist Fish Wife up...
LOL. Everyone has had enuf of u guys.... am surprised they havnt sed ur name yet... soon babbbbyyyyy


________________________________________
From: Fucknut number 1
To: Div who can’t spell
Subject: Hello

you know your mate Dingbat Fuckflaps you should tell him to get out of that Fault log when he has passed it over coz then I can log it off.
....................................................................................

Well, I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.

What I wouldn’t give to work with professionals. Or just "Not Mongs" would be nice.

Innit….

Those Cunts at "Stomp!"

Yesterday I briefly mentioned “stomp”, and since then I have been unable to stop getting really angry about them, all the time.

I think it’s the self-righteous, smug, superior attitude of the fuckers which makes me want to set fire to their tour bus whilst they are in it.

Bunch of trustafarian wankers… I bet if you asked them what the fuck they thought they were playing at they would probably say something like:

“Yeah, what we’re trying to do is break out of “Normal” styles and rules of rhythm and dance, and trying to find our own “expression space” using an organic throughput of non traditional musical synergies”

No you’re not, you cunt-you’re fucking hitting a dustbin lid whilst fucking tap dancing. That’s not clever or original-fucking “Top Cat” used to do that, and he never went on “Blue Peter” did he?

Anyway-it looks like they are auditioning for new members-anyone fancy going along?

Edit-against my better judgement i have just looked at their website-it's full of the kind of shit I just made up above. fucking unbelievable...

Twee fucking hippy bollocks

Let me demonstrate what I mean by this…

Do you know what music is? Music can be many things to different people-to some it can be dizzying and inspiring scales of Bach’s toccata and fugue in D minor, to others it can be the thundering emotions of Wagner, and for some it can be the snarling rage of motorhead or the sheer Italian bizarreness of Dean Martin. It can be all things to all men...

One thing however it definitely isn’t is lots of fucking hippies hitting dustbins with wooden spoons-in other words it’s not those cunts at "Stomp" . That’s not music and it never will be- Make no mistake, its absolute fucking shit and it always, always, always will be…

Which brings me, by an admittedly rather roundabout discussion of the arts that Melvyn Bragg would have been proud of, to:

this stupid bitch

I defy any right minded person to read this website without becoming angry. I am literally absolutely speechless with contempt after reading it.

I can’t actually write anymore, I’m that angry…

Bloody Cheeky Bastards

Do you ever get this from idiots:

“Will you sponsor me to go surfing in Australia?”

“Me and my mates are going to hitch hike to Amsterdam to raise money for Lithuanian orphans”

Oh really? Are you sure you’re not just doing that because it sounds like it might be a fucking good laugh?

I’d like to be sponsored to hit people really fucking hard in the face with frying pan (I don’t care which charity-I just really, really want to do it), unfortunately I realise it’s just not going to happen....

Does anyone else getting really fucking annoyed with sponsoring people to do things that are fun?

“I’m doing a sponsored driving a fast car whilst getting my cock sucked for Children in Need…” Great, here’s £20… I don’t fucking think…. You’re going to have to come up with something better than that sunshine, you’re getting me angry.

If I’m going to hand over some cash I at least want you to do something difficult and preferably really unpleasant-what’s wrong with a long run for Christ’s sake?. I’m not Jimmy “Cunt” Saville-I’m not fucking interested in helping you realise your life-long dream of swimming with cocking dolphins.

You could try being original as well-I’ll happily hand over a fiver if you tell me you’re going to be set on fire in order to raise money for an owl sanctuary or something…

If you’re that fucking kind hearted why don't you stay at home and donate the plane fare to charity instead?

I remember when Glastonbury was all fields....

I watched with great interest the BBC coverage of the Glastonbury festival, however I think it is indicative of something that most of it seemed to be done by Phil Jupitus, from atop some kind of tented canopy high above the masses. Indicative of what I’m not exactly sure, other than that perhaps Phil Jupitus has fantasies that he is Tina Turner in “Mad Max 3 - Beyond Thunderdome”… *

Glastonbury has not been the same since Michael Eavis built that 80 foot high fence patrolled with Robot Guard Dogs that spit killer bees and wee tear gas, and then required everyone who fancied going send in a stool sample, their little finger and a contract signed in their own blood before they could get a fucking ticket. I thought he might have sold out a bit there, the creepy little fucking gnome twat.

Anyway, I was very pleased to see that it was all very, very muddy and looked thoroughly unpleasant for all the young people who were there, the horrible posh little shits… I didn’t watch much of the footage of the bands to be honest, as even when I go to Glastonbury I tend to go out of my way to avoid seeing bands wherever possible. Who the fuck wants to stand in a field full of people who like fucking Moby? Where’s the sense in that? They're all a pack of cunts, so I'll be in the beer tent, thank you very much...

I’d rather watch some hippies juggling fire or something. There’s always the chance they won’t be very good at it and there could be a spectacular accident. Generally what I really used to like to do was spend 6 days wearing the same pair of trousers whilst sat in a puddle with a nice warm can of Stella, completely ripped to the tits and wizzing my fucking face off. Golden years, golden years…. I think I'd probably be dead now if I tried that...

I did however enjoy Amy Winehouse’s set, which is surprising, as if in real life I was to see a clearly pissed, very untidy looking woman with missing teeth and badly done tattoos alternating between singing and muttering under her breath I would normally cross to road to avoid them, rather than sitting down to enjoy it with a nice cup of tea.

edit-I've been thinking about this a lot since originally posting - normally my biggest(only) problems with Glastonbury were: a) Twats and b) Sunburn. This could all have been rectified so easily by supplying each festival goer with sun hat and a handgun...

* That wouldn't surprise anyone would it? the fucking freak...

Poor White Trash...

Saw this earlier: http://news.bbc.co.uk/filthydolescum I strongly advise you to download and view the actual report as well. It made me go all Victorian and angry…

It makes me want to grow big bushy sideburns, don a waistcoat and suit, gain 5 stone and stand up and shout in a thundering Rhodes Boysenesque voice: “By God Boy, pull yourself up by damn bootstraps, or I’ll give you something to complain about!!”

The gist of this article isn’t of course about the difference between the relative performance of people from different ethnic backgrounds, or even the difference between “rich” and “poor”. It’s about people who give a fuck about themselves, their families and their futures and people who, it seems, really don’t.

Apparently the government has pledged1 billion pounds on rectifying this situation… well, that’s going to pay for a lot of alcopops, smack and tracksuits isn’t it? Would it not be easier (and in some ways so very much kinder) in the long run just to have a controlled cull? And I’m all for putting subliminal messages in the “Jeremy Kyle” show telling them to overdose as well. Every little bit helps

1 Billion pounds!-that works out at about 17K per person ( or possibly only 1.7K, as my maths is not very good, but quite frankly I’m tempted to go all out “Daily Mail” on this one and make as much fuss as possible).

Surely this could be spent in better ways than by throwing money at people who really don’t add a great deal to the welfare of the country? Why not just invest in education as a whole? Surely that’s better for the country?

Interesting fact people-The World does not in fact owe you a fucking living, and despite the fact that everyone in your family since your great-great-great granddad has lived on benefits (admittedly as you all breed like fucking rabbits this has only been since 1976) this doesn’t mean that you have a “right” to them. And don’t start blaming “bloody immigrants” for your failure either, because that really doesn’t fucking wash with anyone anymore… this country has more opportunities for everyone than ever before, and no one is “taking your jobs”-you just can't be arsed doing any.

I’m aware this is beginning to sound like a rather peculiar right wing and aggrieved rant… Which it is…and I’m more than happy to be considered “Nazi with a small “n””- but just so you know, my family has gone from Coal Miners to Surgeons in three generations-this is a source of great pride and has had nothing to do with wealth and economic background and absolutely everything to do with actually giving a fuck and investing in the future.

Just I case you think I’m going a bit far in suggesting the complete and utter eradication of a section of the population please read the comments below from “Danielle” regarding this issue, which she so kindly submitted to the BBC (although I suspect she was actually meaning to text Big Brother, but got so caught up in the moment whilst fucking a close male relative she sent it to the wrong address). I have copied it in its entirety:

“The amount of allegations there are regarding racism in the uk at the moment, but yet we are allowed to put down white people. THAT IS RACISM. I am a white female and I feel hurt that people can discriminate the knowledge of a person because of they're race. Statistics are not everything. Only because we are white DOES NOT mean we are thick!”

Thank you Danielle-your ill conceived socio-political views presented in such a simple, brutish and quite frankly shit fucking thick form has done far, far more toward convincing those people who would otherwise still be “on the fence” regarding my proposition than any of my arguments could ever have done...

How many emails have you had?

“How many emails have you had?”

“I’ve had 42 since 10.14 this morning…”

“Oh well, I’ve had 68 since 10.32 this morning-that makes me approx 30% more important than you in this shitty little microcosm of the world we call “The Workplace”.

How fucking stupid are these people anyway? “Ohhhh-I’ve got soooo many emails to get through before my meeting with Terry Fuckflaps from accounts…”

Well, fucking ignore them then. You’ll soon find out if they were important…

50% of them will be “FYI” (i.e. probably either from some keen young fucker who thinks this is a better way to show just how clever they are and how much work they have been doing than standing up in their shiny new suit and shouting “look at me, look at me, I did a poo on my own!!” which is what they did the last time anyone was even remotely interested in their progress as a human being or from someone who does so little every day they have forward every email they receive because they think this is “work” )

25 % will be of absolutely no interest at all. To anyone. Ever

At least one will be from an irate person mailing the entire company asking “could the person in the black astra please move their fucking car (again) as you’ve blocked me in (again), Thanks (you cunt)” or words to that effect.

There will be one from an exciting sounding Russian lady who apparently “want be good friend with western man, maybe more, who know? Please mail for fun and bum-tricks xxx Olga xxx” and a few adverts for Mexican Viagra.

There will also be a few Powerpoint screen shows with kittens and quotes from the Dalai llama and the very fucking worst and antiquated clip art the web has to offer forwarded to everyone from stupid, stupid blonde girls with a tattoos on their lower backs and WKD hangovers (and we all know there’s simply nothing sexier in the office first thing in the morning than a fat bleach-blonde girl in Primark leggings and too much makeup who smells like old Irn Bru and stale Lambert and Butler).

Oh, yes, and someone from admin will have sent round a new “procedure” (complete with flow charts) that tells us how we are now supposed to go about ordering a fucking pie from the works canteen.

You know how I’ve spent my morning, Mr/Ms Toomanyemailsooohicantcope? By cleaning up all your shit, you lazy, useless, incompetent little cocksucker…

Welcome to the Daily Hate

You know those sub mongoliod idiots you have to share an office with? The ones where you just want to smash their bones open with rocks and then suck out the marrow? Just so you could get back the energy you wasted on them? Yes, those are the ones…

The ones that site in the corner of the office blankly staring at PC screen, with one fat paw permanently stuffed into a pack or Doritos never doing a fucking thing, too damn useless to even be a hindrance…*

Well, Just for the record I hate those Cunts…

On an unrelated note did anyone witness the storm last night?

I believe it was a harbinger of the end times… RAPTURE is coming…

There are still places left in our bunker whilst we prepare for the New World-will you join us for the final battle against Satan?

(You’ll have to bring your own sleeping bags, canned food and shotguns though)

* I have been watching the person in question closely and now believe them to be writing some kind of awful erotic fan fiction about "Midsomer Murders" and "Eastenders".

I can see her glasses steaming up as she types "DCI Barnaby thrust his hot throbbing cock deep into Pat Butchers arse..." The filthy cow...

A 21st Century Fatty Arbuckle

Is anyone even the slightest bit remotely surprised regarding the latest news about Barrymore?? Is this what we pay out Licence fee for? To fund the lifestyle of someone who appears to be a cross between Russel Harty and Peter Sutcliffe?

Mind you, it sounded like a good party though-get hammered, take loads of pills then bugger a rent boy to death. Top night out!!

Are they home made? No, but they are from Keswick...

This is the first thing I overheard when I got into the office this morning and the words “No, but they are from Keswick” were said with such conviction, sincerity and ringing approbation I immediately thought “ooh, I bet they are nice”. So I stole one. It tasted rubbish. Never trust biscuits from Keswick.

It also made me thing “What a fucking stupid thing to say” Now, it doesn’t take much to set me off first thing in the morning (quite frankly spilling some tea is normally enough to turn me into Dennis Hopper’s character from “Blue Velvet”) but this kind of early morning idiocy really fucking hacks me right off.

“Are the home made?”

"No, but they are from Keswick"

WHAT. THE. FUCK???

While were on the subject I’d like to rationally discuss a small bugbear of mine regarding biscuits (see how neatly I segued into that?). It’s regarding those posh tins of Shortbread you get that say “All butter Shortbread” on them. That really fucking pisses me off. They obviously aren’t all butter if they are fucking shortbread. If they were all butter they would just be butter wouldn't they? You stupid fucking cunts...

Why do you just not fucking get that? You put it on all the tins, along with a tartan pattern and a picture of a highland cow/deer/bloke playing bagpipes. Just because you’re Scottish doesn’t give you an excuse to say things like that, especially when you look in the ingredients are butter is right down at the bottom, listed after chalk and sawdust.

Other than that I quite like shortbread, even if it reminds me more of a third world building material than a food stuff

Jealousy is a terrible emotion...

I have decided to save myself a bit of time and just copy and paste a Charlie Brooker article into this blog each day-it’s generally pretty much exactly what I would like to say about the world, although inevitably written with far more sharpness, subtlety and wit than I could ever muster. For this I hate him...

Critics would probably say “What Brooker achieves with a few deft flourishes, as precisely executed as a surgeon’s scalpel, Fat Edgar ham fistedly attempts to replicate by holding you down in his shed and hammering your head into the ground, spitting in your face and screaming “DIE YOU FUCKING CUNT DIE” whilst trying to disembowel you with a rusty shovel”

That’s if the bastard critics ever read my stuff. Which they don’t, and aren’t ever likely to (the Police might, but that’s another story). To my knowledge only about four people read this anyway (HELLO!!!).

Anyway, no politics today, just in case you thought I was turning into Ben Fucking Elton..

What I would like to see on TV

I’ve been asked what I would like to see more of on TV-luckily there’s a wide range of programmes I’d like to see more of on TV.

Here are a few I have thought of:

More programmes where people go out and film people getting drunk and being sick in the street on weekends. They are very low brow, but they do reinforce my illusions of supremacy, and thus make me a far more effective and prolific serial murderer/rapist.

Convicted criminals being forced to fight to the death

"Animal Park"-one of the best documentary programmes ever shown, but aired on TV when I am actually likely to be at home. And without Ben Bastard Fogle on it.

One channel that just shows a looped tape of someone hammering loads of nails into Mick Hucknall’s cock

Friends

A musical version of “Sweeney Todd” with dwarves in it. But with massive pies.

Some form of televised eBay where I could buy loads of random shit without moving from my chair. Or bothering to put on any pants. I could just sit there and gets loads of Elvis memorabilia and car parts delievered.

More Norwegian Black Metal Music on "Songs Of Praise"

A channel devoted entirely to documentaries about Hitler (a bit like the History channel really, but with more white supremacy and less about the fucking Romans…)

A show called “I’m a Celebrity Big Ice Bastard Cunt Jungle Fucker Brother Twat Idol” in which every single celebrity in the whole world gets invited one by one to go to a warehouse where they then get torn apart by robots that are controlled by Oliver Reed’s Ghost.

What I really would like is a device that I plug into my freeview box that alerts me whenever a G n’ R video is being shown on any channel. Viewing old G n’ R videos is one of the few unadulterated pleasures still available to me…

A re-make of Bergerac with a cast entirely made up of dogs.

Mexican Wrestling

The Flumps

Big Brother Fucking Shit for Brains Idiot Says Something Fucking Stupid National Shock Scandal

I mean, is anyone really surprised???

for fucks sake....

Sheer Fucking Pointlessness

Am I alone in my bemusement regarding the present Governments use of “registers”? (almost as perplexing as it's appointment of a "Drug Czar" several years ago. Just what the fuck was that meant to mean?)

John Reid has announced plans to create a “register” of terrorists in the UK. Will this be along the same lines as the “sex offenders register”? I only ask this question because the sex offender register always make me think of a “Bash Street Kids” teacher type of character reading out a list of names;

“Cooke?” “Here sir….”

“Nilsen? NILSEN!!!! Are you listening boy? Pay attention”

“Sutcliffe? Sutcliffe?.... (sighs) HAS ANYBODY SEEN SUTCLIFFE???”

However I suppose it’s something far more mundane- it will just be a list of names-and in that case why not just call it the “list of terrorists” or the “list of sex offenders”? Hmmm??? You pack of pretentious management speaking twats…

But I suppose a list of all the terrorists in Britain would be a nice idea, if they are going to continue blowing stuff up and making shoddy home made videos on camera phones then putting them on the Internet.

I wonder how you class someone as a terrorist? How far do you have to go? Does the bomb have to explode? What if you were just a bit pissed and got caught by security guards whilst running round an Arndale with some hot dog sausages and kitchen timer strapped to your chest? Does that count?

It's quite a tricky one, unlike the sex offenders register, where as far as i am concerned, if you get caught doing anything worse than(or including)touching yourself whilst watching a "Petit Filou" advert you get your name added. Sounds reasonable to me...

However, all this does beg the question “What the fucking hell are the Government doing with all these names if they are not putting them all on a list?” Are they just written on post it notes and stuff and left around on copper’s desks? Oh, that’s very sensible isn’t it…

No, I suppose there should definitely be a register of terrorists, just so that if a terrorist happens to move onto a council estate, all the local unemployed people can appear on the local news with their terrible teeth and baseball caps drinking Stella and waving placards saying “Terrerists Owt!”.

This is my first try at a political type blog entry, and I’m aware it’s not as insightful or subtle as it could be, however I’m not Trevor Fucking MacDonald, so piss off….

Fucking Useless Pack of Cunts

Does anyone else get really, really pissed off with the sheer apathy with which some complete fucking dunces apply their lives? I know I’m a cynical, misanthropic, hateful person, who hasn’t got a good word for anyone, but in my defence at least I take real pride in this and it gives me a fierce joy…

I can’t be doing with people who are apathetic because they are too fucking stupid to be anything else, those awful people with their slow grey creeping little minds…

Do you ever have people at your work who despite having the mental awareness and initiative of a squirrel still attempt to try and outwit you? Doesn’t it really annoy you?

Don’t you just want to snarl at them “By Christ, you foul empty little worm, how dare you even suggest a match of will and wits with me? You? You who are as less than dust, less than nothing beneath the burning gaze of my hatred? I shall toast the very Devil himself whilst standing on your bloated fly ridden corpse!!!!” before just going for the infuriating little bastards and taking them off at the fucking neck…

(Unfortunately, I am fairly sure that once you go down this line of action it will end with regret, an armed police siege, a "Look North" special and a glowing entry on Wikipedia)

Instead of which what you have to do is just make them look stupid. Which is easy, because they are…However it becomes almost a pyrrhic victory, because damn me if they aren’t so bloody fucking stupid that they forget every time that they have been beaten and you have to go through the whole thing again. Every damn day. Day after day, taking up hours and hours of my time, proving the same fools wrong over and over again…

Which is why I haven’t posted for a while…