I remember when Glastonbury was all fields....

I watched with great interest the BBC coverage of the Glastonbury festival, however I think it is indicative of something that most of it seemed to be done by Phil Jupitus, from atop some kind of tented canopy high above the masses. Indicative of what I’m not exactly sure, other than that perhaps Phil Jupitus has fantasies that he is Tina Turner in “Mad Max 3 - Beyond Thunderdome”… *

Glastonbury has not been the same since Michael Eavis built that 80 foot high fence patrolled with Robot Guard Dogs that spit killer bees and wee tear gas, and then required everyone who fancied going send in a stool sample, their little finger and a contract signed in their own blood before they could get a fucking ticket. I thought he might have sold out a bit there, the creepy little fucking gnome twat.

Anyway, I was very pleased to see that it was all very, very muddy and looked thoroughly unpleasant for all the young people who were there, the horrible posh little shits… I didn’t watch much of the footage of the bands to be honest, as even when I go to Glastonbury I tend to go out of my way to avoid seeing bands wherever possible. Who the fuck wants to stand in a field full of people who like fucking Moby? Where’s the sense in that? They're all a pack of cunts, so I'll be in the beer tent, thank you very much...

I’d rather watch some hippies juggling fire or something. There’s always the chance they won’t be very good at it and there could be a spectacular accident. Generally what I really used to like to do was spend 6 days wearing the same pair of trousers whilst sat in a puddle with a nice warm can of Stella, completely ripped to the tits and wizzing my fucking face off. Golden years, golden years…. I think I'd probably be dead now if I tried that...

I did however enjoy Amy Winehouse’s set, which is surprising, as if in real life I was to see a clearly pissed, very untidy looking woman with missing teeth and badly done tattoos alternating between singing and muttering under her breath I would normally cross to road to avoid them, rather than sitting down to enjoy it with a nice cup of tea.

edit-I've been thinking about this a lot since originally posting - normally my biggest(only) problems with Glastonbury were: a) Twats and b) Sunburn. This could all have been rectified so easily by supplying each festival goer with sun hat and a handgun...

* That wouldn't surprise anyone would it? the fucking freak...