How many emails have you had?

“How many emails have you had?”

“I’ve had 42 since 10.14 this morning…”

“Oh well, I’ve had 68 since 10.32 this morning-that makes me approx 30% more important than you in this shitty little microcosm of the world we call “The Workplace”.

How fucking stupid are these people anyway? “Ohhhh-I’ve got soooo many emails to get through before my meeting with Terry Fuckflaps from accounts…”

Well, fucking ignore them then. You’ll soon find out if they were important…

50% of them will be “FYI” (i.e. probably either from some keen young fucker who thinks this is a better way to show just how clever they are and how much work they have been doing than standing up in their shiny new suit and shouting “look at me, look at me, I did a poo on my own!!” which is what they did the last time anyone was even remotely interested in their progress as a human being or from someone who does so little every day they have forward every email they receive because they think this is “work” )

25 % will be of absolutely no interest at all. To anyone. Ever

At least one will be from an irate person mailing the entire company asking “could the person in the black astra please move their fucking car (again) as you’ve blocked me in (again), Thanks (you cunt)” or words to that effect.

There will be one from an exciting sounding Russian lady who apparently “want be good friend with western man, maybe more, who know? Please mail for fun and bum-tricks xxx Olga xxx” and a few adverts for Mexican Viagra.

There will also be a few Powerpoint screen shows with kittens and quotes from the Dalai llama and the very fucking worst and antiquated clip art the web has to offer forwarded to everyone from stupid, stupid blonde girls with a tattoos on their lower backs and WKD hangovers (and we all know there’s simply nothing sexier in the office first thing in the morning than a fat bleach-blonde girl in Primark leggings and too much makeup who smells like old Irn Bru and stale Lambert and Butler).

Oh, yes, and someone from admin will have sent round a new “procedure” (complete with flow charts) that tells us how we are now supposed to go about ordering a fucking pie from the works canteen.

You know how I’ve spent my morning, Mr/Ms Toomanyemailsooohicantcope? By cleaning up all your shit, you lazy, useless, incompetent little cocksucker…