BBRRRRAAAAAIIINNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Some of you may aware of my irrational and entirely unsubstantiated (but deeply held) hatred of Ben Fogle (its one of the few clouds that shadows my otherwise sunny disposition).

I saw this earlier today:

Ben Fogle devoured from within

After having his face kicked off by an outraged camel, this is the second best thing I would wish on him.

I wonder if it will consume him entirely? Or, even better, turn him into a zombie.

I would love to see an episode of “Animal Park” in which, while Kate Humble is speaking to camera, he lurches towards her mumbling “BBrrraainnnnsssssss” with his face all rotting and falling off. And then bites her in the head. TV gold…

Also, can anyone else read this:

Tediously dull article that only Scholars of classical Greece could enjoy

Without imagining a fat sweaty bloke in a toga saying stuff like “So, have we got any Thracians in tonight?”, “Why do Romans build straight roads? To stop the fucking Phoenicians building corner shops…”, “Take my slave…please…” and “Fucking Carthaginians, coming over and taking all our angles…”

What a lovely day-a nice shiny new president in the US and tonight we will burn the effigies of long dead catholic insurrectionists…

My grasp of realpolitik isn’t as great as it could be, but I’ve just had a browse of the responses made around the world about the Obama win. I’ve listed them here, with what I think they actually meant:

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER JOHN McCAIN

"We have come to the end of a long journey. The American people have spoken and they have spoken clearly.
"This campaign was and will remain the great honour of my life. My heart is filled with nothing but gratitude for the experience, and to the American people for giving me a fair hearing before deciding that Senator Obama and my old friend Senator Joe Biden should have the honour of leading us for the next four years."

I’m old and very tired. Can I come back indoors now please?

US PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH

"Mr President-elect, congratulations to you. What an awesome night for you, your family and your supporters.
"I promise to make this a smooth transition. You are about to go on one of the great journeys of life. Congratulations and go enjoy yourself."

I’ve already done a poo in the kettle…

UK PRIME MINISTER GORDON BROWN

"This is a moment that will live in history as long as history books are written.
"Barack Obama ran an inspirational campaign, energising politics with his progressive values and his vision for the future."

I thinkI love you, my sweet Black Tony…

EUROPEAN COMMISSION CHIEF JOSE MANUEL BARROSO

"This is a time for a renewed commitment between Europe and the United States of America. We need to change the current crisis into a new opportunity. We need a new deal for a new world.
"I sincerely hope that with the leadership of President Obama, the United States of America will join forces with Europe to drive this new deal - for the benefit of our societies, for the benefit of the world."

Thank fuck for that…Can we have our soldiers back now please?

KENYAN PRESIDENT MWAI KIBAKI

"The victory of Senator Obama is our own victory because of his roots here in Kenya. As a country, we are full of pride for his success.
"I am confident that your presidency shall herald a new chapter of dialogue between the American people and the world at large."

Will you buy our goats? Fine goats…

FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT NELSON MANDELA

"Your victory has demonstrated that no person anywhere in the world should not dare to dream of wanting to change the world for a better place.
"We wish you strength and fortitude in the challenging days and years that lie ahead."

You didn’t get Ladysmith Black Mambazo-I did. 1-0 to me, Mr Obama…

ISRAELI FOREIGN MINISTER TZIPI LIVNI

"Israel expects the close strategic co-operation with the new administration, president and Congress will continue along with the continued strengthening of the special and unshakeable special relationship between the two countries."

We still need your taxes. Please don’t leave us. Oh God, we're fucked now...

PALESTINIAN LEADER MAHMOUD ABBAS

"President Abbas congratulates US President-elect Barack Obama in his name and in the name of the Palestinian people, and hopes he will speed up efforts to achieve peace, particularly since a resolution of the Palestinian problem and the Israeli-Arab conflict is key to world peace."

Please leave Israel…

ADVISER TO IRAQI PRIME MINISTER NOURI MALIKI, SADEQ RIQABI
"The American people have presented a tremendous example to the world by ignoring racist attitudes - and this is an unprecedented example of democracy.
"We in Iraq, with our newly-born democracy, look forward to working with the United States."

Please leave Iraq…

AFGHAN PRESIDENT HAMID KARZAI

"I applaud the American people for their great decision and I hope that this new administration in the United States of America, and the fact of the massive show of concern for human beings and lack of interest in race and colour while electing the president, will go a long way in bringing the same values to the rest of world sooner or later.
"I [hope] President Obama's coming into office will bring peace to Afghanistan, life to Afghanistan and prosperity to the Afghan people and to the rest of the world."

Please leave Afghanistan…

ARAB LEAGUE SECRETARY GENERAL AMR MUSA

"I stress the importance of the message that Mr Obama has never ceased to send, which is we all need change and that is what we do expect from the new leader of the United States.
"We need an American policy based on honest brokership."

Please just get the fuck out of the Middle East…

INDIAN PRIME MINISTER MANMOHAN SINGH

"Your extraordinary journey to the White House will inspire people not only in your country but also around the world."

Who do you think you are? Fucking Ghandi? You’re not Ghandi-fuck off.


PAKISTANI PRIME MINISTER YOUSUF RAZA GILANI

"Your election marks a new chapter in the remarkable history of the United States. For long, the ideas of democracy, liberty and freedom espoused by the United States has been a source of inspiration. I hope that under your dynamic leadership, the United States will continue to be a source of global peace and new ideas for humanity."

Give us gold and you can use our airbases…

POPE BENEDICT'S SPOKESMAN REV FEDERICO LOMBARDI

"Believers are praying that God will enlighten him and help him in his great responsibility, which is enormous because of the global importance of the United States. We hope Obama can fulfil the expectations and hopes that many have in him."

Are you one of our flock my son? Don't fuck with us...

RUSSIAN DEPUTY FOREIGN MINISTER GRIGORY KARASIN

"The news we are receiving on the results of the American presidential election shows that everyone has the right to hope for a freshening of US approaches to all the most complex issues, including foreign policy and therefore relations with the Russian Federation as well."

Wishing you great welcomes in land of Glorious non-Soviet revolution and ugly people with steel teeth… You have vodka? We swap for missiles…

FRENCH PRESIDENT NICOLAS SARKOZY

"I give you my warmest congratulations and, through me, those of all French people. Your brilliant victory rewards a tireless commitment to serve the American people.
"By choosing you, the American people have chosen change, openness and optimism. At a time when all of us must face huge challenges together, your election raises great hope in France, in Europe and elsewhere in the world."

‘Allo-we may still need your help to bail us out in the event of another World War…

GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL

"The world faces significant challenges at the start of your term. I am convinced that Europe and the United States will work closely and in a spirit of mutual trust together to confront new dangers and risks and will seize the opportunities presented by our global world."

We’re thinking of starting another World War-would you like to be on our side this time?

DUTCH PRIME MINISTER JAN PETER BALKENENDE

"The necessity for co-operation between Europe and the United States is bigger than ever. Only by close transatlantic co-operation can we face the world's challenges."

We have diamonds and the finest prostitutes in the world. Please don’t bomb us.

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER

"I look forward to meeting with the president-elect so that we can continue to strengthen the special bond that exists between Canada and the United States."

Another fuckwit from south of the border-does this one think he's a fucking cowboy too?

CHINESE PRESIDENT HU JINTAO

"In a new historical era, I look forward to taking our bilateral relationship of constructive co-operation to a new level."

I am Chinese, we are many… fuck you, Black Gweilo…

AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER KEVIN RUDD

"Forty-five years ago Martin Luther King had a dream of an America where men and women would be judged not on the colour of their skin but on the content of their character.
"Today what America has done is turn that dream into a reality."

G’day mate-what’s that you say Skippy? A fuckin’ Abo in the White House? Strewth!!

JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER TARO ASO

"As the world faces many difficult issues, I am sure that the United States, under the excellent leadership of President-elect Obama, will move further forward while co-operating with the international community.
"With President-elect Obama, I will strengthen the Japan-US alliance further and work towards resolving global issues such as the world economy, terror and the environment."

Terribly sorry about Pearl Harbour and all that regrettable business Obama-San, won’t happen again…

INDONESIAN PRESIDENT SUSILO BAMBANG YUDHOYONO

"Indonesia especially hopes that the US, under new leadership, will stand in the front and take real action to overcome the global financial crisis, especially since the crisis was triggered by the financial conditions in the US."

You cunts…we practically live in fucking canoes and yet you still managed to make life even worse for us…

SUDANESE FOREIGN MINISTRY SPOKESMAN ALI AL-SADIG

"We don't expect any change through our previous experience with the Democrats. When it comes to foreign policy there is no difference between the Republicans and the Democrats."

Will you buy our goats? Lovely fine goats… Same price...

SOMALI PRESIDENT ABDULLAHI YUSUF AHMED

"I am hopeful that [Barack Obama] will help end major crises in the world, particularly the endless conflict in my country Somalia.

Because I’m fucked if I can. Please send mercenaries, thanks.

SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT KGALEMA MOTLANTHE

"Africa, which today stands proud of your achievements, can only but look forward to a fruitful working relationship with you both at a bilateral and multilateral levels in our endeavour to create a better world for all who live in it."

Would you like to borrow Ladysmith Black Mambazo for some concerts? They’re shit… Perhaps you'd like some lovely goats? Fine goats...

more pointless, pointless hate and bile...

This made me chuckle:

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/feature/racists-support-obama-061308

It’s always nice to know that even the most insane racists can be broad minded enough to “reach out”.

They are also surprisingly erudite, witty and ironic, most unlike our own racists, such as Jim Davidson, who are generally just a bunch of terminally unfunny cunts.

Is it just me, but whenever you see Jim Davidson on TV (which thankfully a fuck of a lot less likely than it used to be) do you yearn to have one of those high pressure hoses they have in abattoirs to “mechanically reclaim” waste meat that you could spray him with?

I think he blames the “PC Brigade” for the demise of his career. I don’t-I think it’s because he’s shit. In fact, the word “shit” doesn’t even begin to describe the sheer unadulterated torrent of fucking absolute vile horseshit that erupts from his hideous smug fucking cock of a face.

If it was up to me (unfortunately it isn’t) I’d force him to have drastic surgery done that would attach the end of his colon directly to his mouth so that in real physical terms he would have to constantly eat his own shit. Failing that I’d just make him wear wasp goggles all the time. You might have guessed, I’m not a big fan…

His latest venture has been “naughty” versions of popular pantomimes. Apparently not as much of a success as he thought they would be (he went bankrupt), as theatres aren’t really the best environment for people who normally like ITV-for instance they can’t pick their fat fucking arses in a theatre, or get up to put another fucking Findus crispy pancake in the toaster every 4 minutes.

Have you seen the titles of some of the “Adult Pantomimes” he’s made? “Boobs in the Wood” and “SINderella” are a couple. Weren’t they clever? Have you seen what he did there-he managed to seamlessly shoehorn in a sexual reference-ho ho ho!! What a clever cunt…

Here’s a few more for you Jim, that I’ve aimed at your target audience of mouth breathing cretins, to save you the bother of racking your brains… How about “Cock Whittington”, “Rapes in the Wood” or “Ali Baba and the forty Asylum Seeking Immigrant Paedophiles”? Twat.

While I’m on the subject of pointless, irresolvable ideological conflicts between individuals, I really want Ian Paisley and the late Pope John Paul II to sing a duet version of the Elaine Paige and Barbara Dickson song “I knew him so well”. I think it would be just lovely and would do so much to bridge the gap.

It’s very sad that the good reverend has spent his life encouraging utterly meaningless sectarian violence when he could have made the best cover single ever recorded-the A side would be “Every Rose has its Thorn” by 80’s glam rockers “Poison” and the B side would be “Don’t cha” by the Pussycat Dolls. If anyone can think of a better and more fulfilling musical experience than that I would be extremely surprised…

Unfortunately I fear the plan is unlikely to come to fruition due to the fact that:

a) The Pope (the proper snowy haired smiley old Pope, not the newfangled scary German one) is dead

And

b) The reverend Ian Paisley, in the throes of his magnificent madness, is convinced that the Pope is actually the earthly incarnation of the Antichrist. He really does, bless him. Even by the lunatic standards of sectarianism, that’s a remarkably impressive delusion to belabour under…

Not long now, you old Cunt…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/ding dong the witch is (nearly) dead!!!

Some people may accuse me of being heartless and cruel about an harmless little old lady. If so, why don’t you have yourselves a great big hearty “Fuck You” on me. Go on, treat yourselves now…

This crazy old whore practically destroyed the north of the UK, thanks to her “scorched earth” economic policy and her neglect of the NHS undoubtedly caused (or accelerated) the demise of many, many people.

She cynically ensured herself an election victory from a nation of flag waving fuckwits by engineering a full scale war over a worthless rock in the south Atlantic, for which nearly 1000 people (a quarter of which were UK service people) died.

As for the cretins that hold in her high regard, what the fuck are you all on? Have you overdosed on tweed and jingoism?

Coincidentally I’ve just bumped into Elizabeth “Rivers of Blood” Duke in the corridor (those of you that have been reading this blog for while might remember her as a friend of the sadly missed “Five Bellied Fuck Pig”). She’s predictably a big fan of Thatcher and thinks there should be more like her. Well there were-they were mostly guards at Ravensbruck and thankfully we killed a lot of them, the crazy homicidal bitches...

Anyway, the sooner she is sucking cocks in Hell the better.

Harumph!

As I clearly have the mindset of a reactionary and choleric Victorian bishop (with all it’s attendant prejudice and fury) plain Common Sense tells me that of I even set foot outside my house without a stout oaken staff I will immediately be knifecrimed in the face by a some kind of despicable hoodie wearing paedogrant Hottentot (or someone of a similar stripe).

Why is this so? Well, let’s look at the facts of the matter:

Take your average picaninnie chap-bright as a button until they reach the age of twelve or thirteen, then the dark and savage heart of Africa that beats within them begins to exert its evil and malign influence, breaking the chains of civilisation placed upon them by the white man and once again making them more animal than man…

All rational thought and intelligence is driven from them and they become governed only by the insatiable impulses of their loins and the urge to kill and destroy-they become shambling beasts, more animal than man, devoid of all moral centre. Stalking the streets like slavering hyenas, a danger to all women (and men), especially white ones…

Unfortunately for the kinds of insane petrol-drinking emasculated maniac little Englanders who actually believe this kind of bollocks (and would no doubt nod enthusiastically in agreement as they read it), it would appear the official statistics don’t actually bear out this astoundingly paranoid but commonly held fantasy:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/CRIME!!!/graphs and stuff

If you can be arsed following the lines and trends (I can’t) it would appear that your actual risk of being a victim of crime appears to have lessened somewhat significantly.

Personally, I wouldn’t know as I never leave the house. I prefer to hide behind the sofa gibbering softly to myself in case the Muslims try to blow me up.

The Fat Edgar Book Club

With Christmas just around the corner, why not make it a Christmas they'll remember? Give them a gift they’ll love...


This week I’m recommending:













Fancy having your eyes pecked out by a fucking eagle? Look no further. A valuable source of information regarding this dangerous and antiquated feudal sport.
















This man likes the soft texture of bacon too much… Touch the ham… TOUCH IT YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!!
















No more mad flailing with a meat cleaver-unless it makes you feel like a man of course. A real Man. Yeah. They'll pay. Oh, they'll pay....














These viscous, stinking, beclawed and semi-feral vermin can make ideal pets for small children.

















Learn the secrets of “Fox Control” and mesmerise women.















Bastard fucking pigeons….
















HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Duck!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! TOO SLOW!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!















I DO NOT FEAR YOUR FUCKING MUSHROOMS!!!!!!

Been away again I’m afraid

Sadly I am now entirely non-bionic.

I have however filled myself on what has been happening in Jeremy Kyle World. Sadly, it appears the decay continues as more and more worthless pieces of genetic detritus get washed up on it’s filthy shores.

How nice would it be to round them all up and get them to work on great civic projects? We could then hold lotteries for the right to be overseers for a few days at a time. I think the world would be a much nicer place to live in if we all occasionally had the right to ride around on horseback whipping malingerers.

I see it as the only solution as the benefit laws quite clearly aren’t going to get any less lax.

In future I would prefer it if all new claimants first had to be summoned to an audience in my oak panelled study where they would stand fidgeting awkwardly whilst I interrogated them as to their circumstances.

Those I found too lazy, disrespectful or undeserving I would have sent to colonies forthwith, whilst those who I felt were worthy would be dismissed (to be fed a nourishing broth of kippers and potatoes in my kitchens, as I am nothing if not a philanthropist) with a curt “Silence! I have heard enough of your idle prattlings! I shall ensure you are added to the rolls for poor relief, now be gone from my sight immediately, I have an appointment with the First Sea Lord of the Admiralty!”

Alas, I feel the administrative burden would become too much for me.

Meanwhile, has any seen the adverts on TV for those cunts who call themselves “Blake”?

Awful turgid nonsense…They look like what might happen if you took genetic material from Aled Jones and Will Carling. Mixed it in a lab, injected it into some chimps and then forgot to cull them. Within a few generations, this is what you would have…

http://www.blakeofficial.com/

Gordon Ramseys Home Invasion

I deeply admire Gordon Ramsey-he looks like the bastard offspring of John Mills and Frankenstein’s Monster and (along with Duncan Banntyne) he uses his Scottishness as a weapon against his enemies…

However, I feel it unfair that his anger and deeply inventive invective should only be directed towards those that are unlucky enough to work in the professional kitchens he frequents -I’m all for him being given a fair chance to be equally unpleasant to everybody in the country.

I’ve had an idea for a live TV show in which Gordon Ramsey bursts into random peoples kitchens (selected by a lottery of the electoral register) whilst they are making their tea and subjects them to torrents of personal abuse.

I think it would add a fantastic sense of apprehension if you turned the program on, or were in the kitchen making your tea, not knowing whether tonight he would be visiting your house, kicking your door down and screaming:

“Call that a fucking stew? It looks like a fucking retard came in and fucked it up the arse!!!” and then throwing it at you and stabbing you in the chest with a fork repeatedly whilst crying and shouting “Don’t you care about food you stupid cunt? WELL FUCKING DON’T YOU?”

Idle foolish nonsense, in no particular order

There’s been a number of recent news articles about military pensions (or lack of) for ex-servicemen.

The problem with this is it raises a very emotional argument regarding those who “served their country” and those who did not.

Without belittling the role and commitment of our military personnel, I think someone who has worked all their life and paid taxes has “served their country” as much as someone who spent 5 years of their youth getting arseholed and picking fights in Catterick, and has as much right to demand a reasonable pension, even if they have never worn a uniform. Unlike the young princes William and harry who appear to have worn most military uniforms currently available, in addition to ones from the Third Reich.

It’s different for those who have actually served in a distinctly unpleasant environment (whether it was WWII, Aden, Korea, Falklands, Iraq, Afghanistan etc.)-there should be a degree of repayment for their sacrifice.

Not sure how we’d work it out who is owed how though. On reflection, the best idea I can come up is to have some kind of pro-rata system that took into account how many Germans you had killed.

I would suggest an extra stipend of £25 per week, per enemy casualty. In order to make it fair and to prevent fraud each veteran will have to present the DHSS with the left ear(s) of each German.

In other news I’m also slightly concerned that nearly 120 extremely dangerous lunatics escaped from custody last year. That’s one every few days isn’t it? Quite alarming-it’s a good job we were warned about it when it happened otherwise who knows what might have happened?? These aren’t common or garden lunatics either-these are proper "Silence of the Lambs" type batshit psycho crazy lunatics.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/todayI'm cured now doctor, CURED I SAY!!!!

I’m going to sound like the Daily Mail again, but perhaps there’s an argument that says “If over the period of less than 10 years someone murders their baby brother, then cuts their hand off, then shows no remorse, then amasses a huge collection of pornography and violent films, then propositions female staff, then subsequently escapes and then rapes a 14 year old girl at knifepoint, then perhaps “therapy” might not be the most appropriate solution for the individual in question?”

I might go as far as to say “After 10 years, it really isn’t fucking working is it?” AND they didn’t even try to remove bits of his brain for Christ’s sake-what has happened to modern psychotherapy? In my day, we’d have had most of his prefrontal cortex in a jar before you could say “Jack Robinson”.

Similarly, (from the same article) taking paedophiles out for a weekly drink for no their reason than “because it’s nice for them to get out” seems like it could be a potentially foolish idea, particularly when it transpires they subsequently escape when you take them to the fucking zoo.

It’s nice to see the institutions in question are concerned about this, although they have said in their defence that it’s because they are “dealing with complex people” (not really-they seem quite straightforward to me) who have “autistic spectrum disorders” (a bit above and beyond being a trainspotter isn’t it?) and their “primary aim is therapeutic, to help people grow in their independence” (and make a successful escape).

How about that for a lot of completely politically correct bollocks? As a mission statement I think it needs some work, something along the lines of “We will keep all our maniacs under lock and key at all times” would be considerably more reassuring.

Surely it can only be a matter of time until medical science accepts my ideas (controversial though they are) that these kind of psychological aberrations are not caused by traumatic experiences, or chemical imbalances or any of that bollocks but instead by devils, demons and evil imps that must be scourged, whipped and forced from them into the incandescent fires of a righteous and just God.

Finally, I’m not sure what the hell this person’s state’s motto is:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/the whole damn country is "deliverance"

But I’m fairly sure it’s something similar to: “Proud to be backward” or “Don’t let the sun set on you this town, Jew-boy Nigger lovin’ faggot”

The rules of modern grammar

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/"I" before "E" except after...oh just fuck off...

This reminds me-I can never remember the correct uses of the words “Pedant” and “Irritating small minded cunt with nothing better to do except hinder the development of language”. Still, that ain’t never minded me beforetimes…

A few very unkind words on the subject of Bret Michaels

As I’ve mentioned, I’m currently watching “Rock of Love” starring Bret Michaels, purveyor of dreadful saccharine rock and one time “Love God”.

I’ve been looking at pictures of Bret from the 1980’s in which he was undeniably a good looking fella, albeit in an extremely camp pretty boy way. I've found a few pictures of him from thsi era- notice the clear blue eyes and toned body...

It’s very different from the Bret we see now. His official age is about 45, so I think realistically we can add another 5 years to that.

He has had so much dreadful plastic surgery that he resembles a startled cat, has long, lank hair and blurred jowly features. When not covered by sunglasses, his eyes are a faded blue and have bags like Melvyn Bragg’s underneath them. He appears to even sleep wearing a bandana which I strongly suspect disguises an extremely receding hairline.

He’s got a double chin, the beginning of man boobs and the paunch of a middle aged man. He wears long sleeved sweatshirts to cover flabby arms and his stomach and jeans that are far, far too tight.

He has the look of a sad, tired, washed up old drunk. A fat old Falstaff type character who is jaded and all but destroyed by their hedonistic lifestyle, yet is now vainly searching for some kind of love and meaning, yet is constantly defeated and betrayed by life and his own sheer idiot fuckwittedness.

A confused and misled old man is courted by a group of distinctly unpleasant and treacherous women, each of which claims to be profoundly attracted to him (despite most of them not being actually alive when he was still good looking) whilst obviously trying to further their own media and/or pornogrpahic careers. Basically, it's King Lear but with fucking...

It’s absolutely fucking brilliant.

It's Schadenfreude in its highest, most perfect and beautiful form- the show should really be called “There’s no fool like an old fool”.

edit-just noticed i made two allusions to Shakespeare-I'm a right clever cunt, me...

What the hideous blue engorged fucking cock is this???

It appears you now need a degree qualification to be an unfunny attention seeking pillock…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/sussex/its still 1950 you know...

Butlin's list of Alumni is amazing too-it looks almost everyone who (with few notable exceptions)

a) Hasn’t been funny over the last 40 years and is

b) Also a cunt has been a redcoat at some point in their career.

Eager to follow in Darren Day’s footsteps and become a Z list celebrity love rat I logged onto the Butlin's website to look for vacancies. Unfortunately the only jobs that seem to be currently available are in the security team. Undeterred, I wonder how many high ranking police personnel started their careers as Butlin’s security staff? Not too fucking many, I’ll wager…

Butlin’s itself looks truly dreadful-if I owned Hell and Butlin’s, I’d live in Hell and rent out Butlin’s… Containing everything that an undemanding underclass would want, it looks like “Gregg’s the bakers”, but with a log flume.

I was hideously enticed however by "Butlin's Adult Weekends" which I though was a euphemism for some kind of dreadful swinging thing, but the reality is much, much worse than even that.

Fancy a night of Toby Anstis, Right Said Fred and Anita Doth (she’s from 2Unlimited apparently)? No, I didn’t think so-which makes me wonder exactly who would?

Do people still go to these places? Clearly they must as there are still three of them open and running, but I’m still at a loss as to why you would want to give up even a small amount of your life in exchange for this kind of deeply, deeply awful experience.

Rock of Love

Caught this incredible programme completely by accident… it’s a repeat, but there appears to be plans for a further series. I'd advise you to check it out...

It starts Brett Michaels (who is/used to be the lead singer of the ’80s glam metal band “Poison”). Weird within itself, as all I know of this man is that he was was, albeit briefly, a heartthrob in about 1987, or whenever the hell they released “Every Rose Has Its Thorn (and every night has its dorr-horr-horr-horrnnn)”.

As I remember I was an extremely young teenager at the time-as I am now rapidly becoming a proper old bastard this means that Mr. Michaels must also be getting on somewhat. And doesn’t he fucking look it.

He has unsuccessfully attempted to disguise his advancing years with the use of cowboy hats, sunglasses, bandanas and bargain basement cosmetic surgery. The result is a glassy eyed and portly looking cowboy wearing clothes made of dead reptiles-it’s not the best look for a man in middle age.

The series is set within a building we are led to believe is Brett’s Mansion. This I doubt…I think Bret has long since sucked all his money up his fucking nose-the building is filled with rock cliches and numerous pictures of Bret when he was a younger, thinner and far better looking man, as opposed to the shambling monster he has become.

I’d like to think that in reality Bret shares a cockroach infested apartment with Axl Rose and Sebastian Bach from Skid Row, where they attempt unsuccessfully to seduce fat teenage girls by singing acoustic versions of songs they wrote a quarter of a century ago.

I’ve digressed somewhat, however the mansion is filled with a number of extremely odd women who are all competing to become Bret’s love interest-the actual reason why they would want to do this is never fully explained. In order to achieve this end they are assigned a series of meaningless reality TV show type tasks with a contrived “Rock n’ Roll” type twist, such as a “Talent” show carried out in a peep show.

The vast majority of these women are insane, and one of them looks just like Pete Burns and the rest like bland faceless would-be porn starlets. The enjoyment of the show comes from the sheer unpleasantness of everyone involved, from Bret downwards. Each of the women appear to be vacuous, back stabbing harpies who think they are far better looking that they actually are.

Occasionally Bret has to evict certain women, normally on the grounds that they do not appear to be sexually available for him. Sometimes he will reward others with “dates” and VIP passes and such like.

I hope I've managed to get across the sheer retarded awfulness of the programme...it utterly beggars belief. To top it all it's made by a production company who very knowingly have called themselves "Mindless Entertainment".

It’s awful, compelling viewing-I’m planning a remake for the British Market starring Jimmy Nail.

Fairly sure that in a country of 60 Million I’ll be able to find a couple of dozen women who still have fantasies about Jimmy Nail 20 years after he released his last record-no guarantees on what they’ll look like though, and whether they will be let out for the filming of a TV show.

LEADER, LEADER, I’M THE LEADER OF THE GANG I AM!!

In a startling and ironic twist of fate, Gary Glitter does indeed appear to be “up the shitter”… utterly and completely.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/I Love, You Love...

Even countries that traditionally have prided themselves on their underage sex tourism opportunities don’t want him; “Sorry Gary, but you’re money’s no good here anymore. We’re facing international pressure to clean up our acts a bit, and you’re a bit too high profile. If you were just an accountant from Birmingham or something who wanted to quietly fuck a few kids it would be different, as it is we could do without the publicity...”.

He’s not fucking stupid though-if he shaves that insane beard off and gets rid of the bandana and sunglasses no one will recognise him, wherever he ends up. He could be anywhere-EVEN IN YOUR STREET! Quickly, get out there and start bothering newcomers...smash their windows, before they escape...

Anyone fancy a sweepstake on who’ll eventually take him in? I reckon Sierra Leone will-it’s such an awful fucking shithole that the presence of a tone deaf paedophile will actually make it a slightly nicer place to live.

Do you want to be in my gang, my gang?

Erm… No thanks Paul…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/what's happened to his wig?

Well, it looks like Good old Gary Glitter is returning to Britain. I’ve always been a big fan, and now he’s short of work I bet I could get him to do a gig and the local fete for peanuts…

Not only is he now not just a paedophile, he’s actually a Paedophile AND an immigrant. The Daily Mail must be over the moon about that. I haven’t seen the headline but I bet, true to form, it’s something like “GLITTER PAEDO VIETNAM DISGRACE RETURN NEW LABOUR WHY, WHY, WHY?”.

He’s actually a very lucky pervert though, as the normal sentence for child abuse in Vietnam is apparently “death by firing squad”. Got to admire a country with the balls to do that to nonces, haven’t you?

Is it just me, or doe he now bear a startling resemblance to Professor Yaffle off “Bagpuss”?

He’s now got to sign the sex offenders register (wonder if he will get a certificate-I’ve no idea how these things work…), which will probably be a nice change for him as I bet it’s a long time since anyone asked for his autograph.

COME ON, COME ON! COME ON COME ON COME ON!!!

The case for Regicide rests...

Prince Charles has suffered an enormous amount of ridicule in the media recently for his increasingly addle pated and absurd notions. Quite right too, the divvy jug eared cunt.

Just because you are the result of several hundred years of practically incestuous couplings, which have given you and your cretin offspring the mental capacity of spaniels, does not mean that you are qualified to give the public your opinion on anything. Rather the opposite in fact…

I’m thoroughly sick of the antics of this pack of inbred and horse faced mutants.

When I dress up as a Nazi and sexually molest young girls in night clubs I get arrested (it’s still worth it though!) whereas “Prince” Harry, who clearly has about as much royal blood as me, gets chortled about as “being just like one of the chaps”. In this case “chaps” of course means “braying, smug, public school educated spiky haired twats who wear rugby shirts and who never, ever have to think for themselves”.

His brother (our future King) is clearly about the most slow witted, doltish and charmless young man ever to be shat out by the public school system. I suppose that this, in retrospect, is an achievement of a sort…

He’s so stupid he’s been practically thrown out of every part of the armed forces, despite actually fucking owning them. Do we really want our country to be represented by something like this?

Is there anybody at all in this country who can give me a reason why we still have a monarchy? A proper reason, by the way-not some absurd conjecture about them increasing the levels of tourism to the country or something similar- for a start:

• Tourism from abroad is a very small industry sector in this country-if you argue otherwise you are a fucking idiot. There are innumerable other parts of the economy crying out for reinvestment, and paying the vets bill for some chinless dickhead's polo ponies is not one of them.

• The packs of fat fucking Americans we get over here asking stupid questions have come here to see “History”, not the Queen. Even they are not fucking stupid enough to think they will see her, and are just only too happy to point their cameras at old buildings (even if they don’t know what the fuck they are for), buy union jack hats and get mugged in Soho at knifepoint by vicious homosexuals.

What kind of person really supports the Royal Family? The kind of person who looks back and thinks about how much nicer it was in the “old days”, when we still had “little corner grocers run by affable men in duster coats and postmen who whistled as they strolled around the village”. “When Sunday was still special, we had games of cricket on the village green” “Community spirit-that’s we had in them days. We didn’t have nowt, but we shared it…” “eeehhh that doctor’s as black as the ace of spades, he is…”

Yes, that’s right, the only people who still support the royal family are either hopelessly reactionary, or in the late stages of Alzheimer’s disease (and more probably both).

Why then do we still have them? It’s not like we haven’t had enough chances to have a decent revolution. We even got rid of them 400 odd years ago, but then stupidly brought them back, but that was only because Oliver Cromwell was like an extra dour version of Gordon Brown who hated the Irish and banned Christmas. They pretty much own most of the land in the country, and yet still demand yet more money from the public purse each year for “essential expenses”. Like Valets and stuff no doubt…

Now, I’m not a communist or anything, but I have to work all fucking week to support my family (as do millions of others). At the best of times I heartily resent the siphoning of my money, that I feel would be much better spent on my own offspring, to support the feckless.

When it’s been spunked away by some useless cunt who wants to take a helicopter to a fucking stag night it pretty much makes by blood boil with anger…

I know I’m constantly calling for the violent overthrow of pretty much everyone from the Royal Mail to the cast of “Hollyoaks”, but surely this one must be a worthy cause??

what kind of fucking monkeys read this shit?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/bored housewives beanflicking

I tried to write a Mills and Boon novel once-it was about two Cornish rapists with severe learning difficulties who live in a damp basement flat with a load of terminally ill Alsatians, and their unhealthy and abusive relationship with a one-legged schizophrenic ex-prostitute-it was called “Fucking Nutters”.

I wrote it during one of my infrequent, but increasingly prolonged bouts of gout and syphilitic madness (brought about due to my past overindulgences with gin and whores) and was rather proud of it.

They said it wasn’t exactly the kind of thing they were looking for but they’d still give it a go (which was nice of them) but unfortunately it didn’t sell as well as we’d hoped.

In the end I took their advice about “exotic eroticism” I rewrote it slightly just by relocating it to a damp basement flat in Greece and calling the two protagonists “Spiros” and “Stavros” then renamed it “Hard Greek Nights of Passion”. Fuck me if they weren’t right-the fucking thing sold like hot cakes-flew off the bookshelves.

It just goes to show, never underestimate the filthiness of women’s libidos…

Preparing for the End Times (Part 1)

As part of my rampant paranoia I am constantly aware of the imminent commencement of “The End Times”. Although the exact nature of the End Times has not been ascertained by the Bible/Scientists/People who get messages from Elvis though their teeth, there are a number of all round precautions you can make to lessen its impact.

I am writing these notes as a step by step guide to ensure that you are prepared for survival. You might think that this is unusual and surprisingly altruistic of me, as there will obviously be a great deal of fierce competition for food and resources and to a certain extent the less people around the better. However I am aware that I will need people to help me rebuild a new clean society and I will also require subjects for when I choose live in a tent up a tree like Tina Tuner did in Mad Max 3.

Some thoughts regarding your basic requirements:

Shelter-make sure you have a reasonable place to hide out during the End Times. Ideally something underground, or in the hills (although a tent or caravan is probably entirely unsuitable) where you can lie low whilst the worst of it passes. Most urban areas are unlikely to become extremely unpleasant and will quickly become overrun with Alien war machines or giant spiders. I already have my shelter sorted out, and if you come near it, I will regrettably be forced to shoot you.

Food-tinned food is good but heavy, so dehydrated stuff is better. Try to get a variety to meet all your nutritional requirements-attempting to fight off legions malevolent robot overlords after eating only Curry flavoured pot noodles for the last five years is not an ideal situation. You could try growing your own vegetables, but it might be easier (and more fun) to plunder isolated homesteads as part of a large bike gang army. Cannibalism may regrettably be necessary in some areas.

Weapons-As we don’t know the exact nature of what we might face during the End Times I suggest a broad range of weapons to cover as many eventualities as possible. Shotguns are of course a popular choice ideal for repelling hideous mutants but they are not particularly effective against werewolves or demons from other dimensions-try to get something reusable like a crossbow as well, just in case. Long weapons, such as lances can be used against Triffids without fears of getting stung and if you are good with technical projects you might want to try making a big fucking flamethrower as well. For closer range work machetes and chainsaws are the best and most reliable solution.

Transport-Something reliable is a must, as it is unlikely that Kwik Fit or the AA will still be in operation after the apocalypse. Old Land Rovers are very good-unlikely to break down and also heavy enough to be effective for running over zombies if required. You may also be able to escape the plague if you are fast enough and don’t mind a bit of off road driving. Depending on the nature of the radioactive materials present in the food chain chariots drawn by giant mutant goats may also be a possibility.

These are just a few initial points to get you going (and hopefully thinking). Remember-with a bit of forethought and planning the impending apocalypse can be fun!

Fat Edgar’s guide to an unhealthy mind in a healthy body

Contrary to popular belief I am not fat, however people at work often ask me “what’s the best way to get fit/put on muscle/stop being a great big flab beast?”

The simple answer (for me at least) is unfortunately “exercise like a dervish several times a week, learn to fight and stop eating fucking cakes”, however as most people (probably quite sensibly) don’t want to put themselves through this they continue on their merry way giving themselves little treats and getting rounder and rounder. Because the benefits outweigh the penalties people just think “Ah, fuck it-I’ll have another pie..”. Human Nature… As long you think you look OK you aren’t really going to change (and why should you?). And fucking forget “Gentle Exercise” as that wont work-Pilates won’t get you any thinner or more toned on it’s own, in fact the only thing Plilates on it’s own will make you is a lot fucking poorer...

The simple truth of the matter is (I have decided) that the only sure fire way to do something about your physical condition is to ensure that you get your body into a state where you have to do something.

Because of various medical problems I might have mentioned in previous posts I have been unable to exercise as fully as I would normally like to for several months, and as a consequence I am rapidly becoming a disgusting fat mess that deserves to be worked like a rented mule until it sweats blood from every pore.

So, somewhat controversially, and to help increase the health of humanity, I have decided to share with you the secrets of the “I Hate My Body” Fitness Plan.

It is imperative for this plan to work that you do truly hate your body. It’s no good being in the middle ground and thinking “well, it’s not ideal, but I suppose it will do”. That simply won’t work. You have to be disgusted by the state of your body and be repelled by its stinking, fly blown corpulence for this plan to work (or conversely that you are a rake thin pencil necked freak).

In order to get to this stage you may first have to perform a few of Fate Edgar’s cognitive therapy exercises to ensure you attain the correct mind set. One of the most effective is to slump naked in front of a mirror and repeat to yourself over and over again: “I am a disgusting fat mess not fit to engage with society. No one can possibly love this steaming pile of lard and rotting organs”.

Try to repeat this exercise 10 times on 3 separate occasions each day, as you are aiming to get an unhealthily obsessive thought pattern and body dysmorphia. It might help if you begin the exercise by focusing on a part of your body you don’t like-concentrate on this perceived imperfection and try to blow its significance out of all proportion until it stands out (at least to you) like a great big steaming dog shit on a flower bed.

Don’t worry if the stress has caused you to actually increase the amount of junk you stuff down you gullet-this will only help to reinforce the negative body image I’m trying to work towards

If you manage to do this every day for a few months, regardless of the actual, real state of body, you will hopefully have reached the state required-you should now have convinced yourself that you are at least as unattractive and foul as Christopher Biggins.

The real trick is to pick the correct moment to start the exercise plan-ideally this should be before you develop an eating disorder (there’s no point trying to exercise if your throwing up all your energy) or attempt suicide (don’t be a quitter kids!).

At this point join a gym (or just buy some weights and a pair of running shoes) and disregard all the warnings you might get about consulting medical advice before embarking on an vigorous exercise program, or stopping if you get sudden, sharp chest pains. If the gym has attendants ignore what they say about starting on low weights, just double what they suggest and fucking go for it. Turn the running machine up the highest setting and tie yourself to it with a towel so you can’t escape. Or, you could just join a decent martial arts club and try to fight every fucker there-you’ll end up with a body like teak. Throughout all this, regardless of the progress you are making, keep repeating the cognitive exercises “I am a Troll, I am Troll..”. If you haven’t got a body like an Olympian within 4 months I’ll eat my fucking hat.

A sad end for a once great actor…

A sad end to a once great actor…

I was watching this with my child the other day, and it’s appalling (the child thinks it’s shit too, btw)…

In the night garden

It’s the kind of thing that Students might claim to like, but they’ll tell you (if you give them half a chance to open their irritating fucking foghorn mouths) that they like it in a “detached, ironic and fundamentally postmodern way”, the pretentious little cunts. That’s opposed to a “sat on their flabby arse eating beans on toast and not going to lectures kind of way”, the lazy smug little fuckers. Makes me so angry I want to hit them all with great big fucking frying pans. Pan ‘em all I say! Pan ‘em all, and let working in call centres sort them out…

It’s got Sir Derek Jacobi doing the narration for fucks sake. How cruel is that? The man must be about 104 or something. At his age he should be cropping up in period dramas performing character roles, not doing this garbage.

To be honest, the poor fucker is probably half senile by now, and they have got him drugged to the eyeballs, on a sound stage somewhere and then dressed him in a toga and told him that’s he’s doing a sequel to “I, Claudius”. Either that, or someone has some real dirt on him.

DJ: “Oh is this my script then my dear? How super! I say, there are rather a lot of references to “ninky nonks” again, and very few to the emperor. Are you sure that’s right my dear?”

Stage Hand: “Just say the lines, or we’ll send you back to that home right now. And we’ll tell the press what happened to that poor rent boy in the caravan in Eastbourne in 1972…”

DJ: “Oh yes, yes, of course dear boy, let’s not be hasty… A terrible accident, terrible…the blood…the faeces…It still haunts me to this very day”

What the blue fuck is this?

Browsing the web and found this:

http://www.bastardclownsforfuckinghire.com/

I really, really fucking hate clowns…

Why the hell would anyone want one of these? The only possible reason I can think of is to instil respect through fear into small children. It’s something I’m planning on doing when my child gets old enough to start playing up-I’ll hire a clown to “entertain” them for a few hours. It’ll seem like a lifetime of balloon animals and terrifying red-painted rictus grins to them…

I think I would probably only need to hire a clown once-the psychological scarring on my child’s delicate sensibilities should be sufficient that the mere mention of “Do I need to call the clown?” in stern voice should be enough to ensure instant obedience. It uses many of the same concepts as the much vaunted “naughty step” but reinforces the lessons learnt with unreasoning terror.

In many ways, it’s the extension of my own concept of “the naughty tree” where bad children are placed to learn the error of their ways. It’s particularly effective in autumn, when they have to fight off hungry crows as well as maintain their balance on the slippery bark. Teaches them a lot about life I think.

For those in more urban areas (or just those with more restricted space), I would suggest the “naughty cupboard” as a viable alternative. If there are spiders in there, all the better-if they don’t like spiders, they shouldn’t have stolen a biscuit, should they?

These hints and tips, plus many more, on child rearing will soon be available in my new book “I’ll Have Respect From You, By God I Will..!-A Guide to Subduing Insolent Children” which is a follow up to the bestselling guide “Mantraps, Caltraps and other things to dissuade inquisitive little feet”, both by Dr Fat Edgar.

I call my Girlfriend “Slinky”- that’s because I like to throw her down the stairs every so often…(Badum! Tish!)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/Battered Wives Hit Back!

Even as I write this there are women with black eyes all over the country, grimly polishing their biggest frying pans in readiness for their fat twat of a husband to return home. About time too…

It seems only fair that because if I was to appear in court charged with strangling my common law wife I would probably be let off by a sympathetic judge because “She deserved it” or “all women are whores and are asking to be killed” or any one of the myriad of sensible and progressive reasons the judiciary still appear to use.

Interestingly the only time the term “Common Law Wife” is ever heard is when someone is up in the dock for strangling them. If you don’t believe me you can Google it and check-“Common law Wife Strangling”-14 Trillion results, “Common law Wife (exclude “strangling”)”-about 4 results.

It’s a fair crack of the whip now anyway-it should keep dysfunctional couples on their toes a bit more as they now have an equal amount to lose.

For some reason it reminds me of a friend’s mother who (he claims) donates all her unwanted goods to, as she puts it, “The Charity for Battered Wives”…

The overriding cynical part of me thinks it just another way of keeping the prison population down. Did you know it costs approx £30,000 per year to keep someone in prison. Typically you are looking at £200, 000 – 500,000 to support someone sentenced to murder.

For those with super quick maths brains, that works out at over £80 a day. What do they feed them for fucks sake? Swans?

For something that costs us nearly £7 million pounds per day it's nice that Someone seems to be making money out of it somewhere though... and it would appear that “Last year the government spent more than £10,000 on 80 PlayStations and 15 Xboxes for young offender institutions”. If you think that’s just me being a reactionary lunatic and making stuff up, I read it here .

You're doomed-aye, you're all doomed...

I’ve been dealing with Scottish people a lot recently. And a very fine race of unstable ginger bearded lunatics they are too. I have bonded with them however, with the liberal use of colloquialisms within my emails-words like “Hoots mon”, “Och aye the noo” and it’s a braw bricht moonlit nicht” and so forth.

I have even added substantial digressions on the subject of haggis and other offal based products and have resisted the urge to refer to them as “Scotch” (which is a drink, not a race) or “Porridge Wogs” (which is a racial slur)

I have however picked up a few useful pithy old Scottish phrases I thought were very amusing and can be used in conversation-they are more effective if you try to sound like Private Frazer from Dads Army when you say them:

• A gowk at Yule'll no be bricht at Beltane: Literally this means that a person who is a fool at Christmas will not be wise in May i.e. you cannot change a person's inherited character.
  
• A green Yule maks a fat kirkyaird: A mild Christmas fills the cemetery.
  
• A'm no a scone o that bakin: I’m not one of that sort.
  
• Dinna cuist awa the cog whan the cou flings: Do not give up at the first misfortune - try, try again.
• A puir man is fain o little: We have the highest incidence of heart disease in the UK due to our appalling diet of deep fried filth.
• A stap out o ane's bicker: In many of the more remote parts of our bleak and godforsaken country the only recreational activities available are binge drinking and rape.
• A tod nivver sped better nor whan he gaed his ain errand: We have been an economic millstone around the neck of England for several hundred years now.
• Aye stickin his graip in his neibour's midden: Our national dish is made from bits of animals even Indians would throw away. Mmmm, tasty muck…..

OH FLOWER OF SCOTLAND!!

When will we see your like again
That fought and died for..

Mumble mumble mumble….

What the fuck is this all about then?

Apologies for the length of this entry. I’ve had lots of thoughts in my head and very little chance to exorcise them…

For a start, what kind of terribly fucked up world are we living in where Frankie Dettori has his own brand of fucking tomatoes ? I saw them in the supermarket. What the devil is that all about? He’s a jockey, not a chef or even a food critic.

It’s not even like those bloody awful “Lloyd Grossman sauces” (which taste awful by the way. If that’s the way you think a dopiaza should taste Lloyd, I suggest you don’t act as high handed with the contestants on “Master Chef” in future) or Ainsley Bastard Harriott's magic cous cous , where the feeble minded could actually be forgiven for thinking the celebrities might have had a hand in formulating the recipes.

Are they trying to make us believe that Mr Dettori has something to do with the manufacture of these fucking tomatoes? That he either goes out at dawn into a sun kissed field and plucks them from the vines with his own tiny hands with the dew still on them, or just that he puts on a hair net and does a few shifts in the canning factory between races? In either event, I hope he cleans his hands after he has been touching horses, the dirty little bleeder…

Utter fucking rubbish.

I’ve also been off work recently, due to some health problems, and have once again been exposed to the never ending garbage that is daytime TV, the most disturbing aspect of which seems to be frequent reoccurrence of adverts featuring either Gloria Hunniford or June Whitfield (and now and then it’s Cilla Black capitalising on having lost a husband) wistfully advertising pensions, funeral insurance or those awful schemes to make the elderly sell their houses. It’s very disturbing-most of them start with a shot of the crone in question in a lovely quaint house or garden saying something like “Well, if you’re anything like me, you’re nearly dead. It won’t be long now, you know. Have you ever thought about that? Have you?” It really is very macabre.

In other news, it has come to my attention that all matters in this country, whether they are judicial, social or political, could all be solved equitably if they were presented to a triumvirate made up of what I like to call “The Three Jeremy’s”

• Jeremy Paxman
• Jeremy Kyle
• Jeremy Clarkson

Each of them could bring their own special skills to bear on the problem as each one of them represents a different but equally important aspect of humanity-one represents the “logical”, the second the “emotional” and third the “twat”.

I feel that this could be the basis of a whole new way of living for the people of this great country.

Obviously, it’s fraught with bureaucratic difficulties at present. These men all have busy schedules and convening them in the same room, even for the most minor or trivial matter, would be a logistical nightmare of the highest order.

I have however checked with some scientists (or at least some men in glasses-for me the two terms are virtually interchangeable) who have confirmed that it should soon be possible to “download” the personalities of these great men of our age into one giant computer (which I propose should be named “Aegis” as it will be our shield and protector) into which problems would be fed in one end and judgements worthy of Solomon will be excreted out the other, thus dispensing with most of the Judiciary, Civil Service, DHSS and many other Government functions at a stroke.

So there we are-the blueprint for a new, and far less messy, society.

Lady Nazis on the Web

Sometime ago someone was kind enough to give me (via the comments) a link to a specific article on the daily mail website. Unfortunately I have never been able to access it, as the link is truncated, however this does not matter as the "FeMail" section of the Daily Mail has been a revelation to me. It’s like cross between Heat Magazine and Der Sturmer .

A wonderful mix of articles ranging from “Has young Prince Harry taken Chelsy up the arse yet?” to “10 things to do if pakis move in next door”.

I’m aware that this type of media isn’t aimed towards me as I am a) a Bloke and b) not to the far right of Norman Tebbitt but even so it’s beyond the normal lazy, turgid and reactionary drivel we expect from the Mail. This aspect is clearly designed for those people who enjoy “Sex and the City” but also think that Asians don’t drive well…

Duncan Bannatyne fights Gypsies

Having had an epiphany about this man I have started thinking of other things I’d like to see him do on TV. Top of the list has to be gypsy fighting or bee eating.

I quite like the idea of a program called “Duncan Bannatyne: Bee Eater” and he looks pretty handy, so I bet he’d be good at fighting gypsies. Or maybe not, as gypsies are notoriously crazy/scary people who steal babies and stuff. My partner says that when she was a child her mother used to make them hide when the gypsies came round selling clothes pegs so they wouldn’t cursed or stolen. I think that’s going a bit far myself, as in my experience the most common thing you’ll get is either a good beating or a bad tarmaccing.

As for eating bees, that’s just mental. We’d never get clearance from the health and safety people for a start, even if he agreed to do it. The whole thing's a bureaucratic minefield.

Actually, as part of my fact finding mission for this blog, I’ve just seen a picture of Duncan Bannatyne and I have just realised he has the look of a Hollywood gangster from the 1930’s. Look at a picture of him and you’ll see it yourself. Now imagine him in a baggy pinstripe suit and hat and carrying a tommy gun. You can imagine him saying (in one of those weird 1930’s “Noo Yark” gangster accents where they didn’t seem to move their lips) “You godda go see da boss-jimmy don’t like to be messed around by no deadbeats, see..Youse guys bedda wise up, pronto...”.

Uncanny isn’t it?

Maybe was wrong…

I have on more than one occasion accused Duncan Bannatyne of being a cunt. Being the well balanced individual I am however, I am more than happy to back down and admit I might be wrong.

I watched this last night:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/this_world/Duncan Bannatyne is VERY Scottish

I was most impressed with his Scottishness, his popeyed charm, barely restrained aggression and also his sheer all out, balls of brass interview style. Basically, he made Paxman look like Richard Madeley, and coupled with what appeared to be genuine anger about the subject matter made what could otherwise have been a very worthy but dull program very good viewing.

Being one of those genuinely irritating born again ex-smokers I thoroughly agreed with his views regarding the advertising of smoking when it’s targeted towards children (Conversely, by all means target it towards adults-if you don’t know by the time you’re an adult that it will kill you, then frankly I’m surprised to managed to negotiate enough of life’s little obstacles to stay alive this long).

One of the most effective things that Bannantyne does whilst interviewing some poor bastard of a PR Flack is to maintain a perfectly neutral and friendly facial expression, which although seemingly innocuous does suggest that he is looking at the person who is talking to him and thinking “I know you’re fucking full of shit, you lying little cocksucker, but I’m going to nod and smile even though we both know that this whole endeavour is a complete fucking charade and that you know that you look like a proper cunt”. He’s like a particularly urbane attack dog…

He also has a spectacularly chilling smile. It’s the kind of smile that I imagine might well be the last thing that some people ever see.

So it’s made me look at Dragon’s Den in a new light. Yes, he is undoubtedly very rude to people, but to be honest if I was faced with a seemingly never ending series of fools asking me for huge amounts of money for miniscule stakes in preposterous schemes and products like “a talking horse brass with a USB connection” or whatever I would start telling people to fuck off pretty quickly as well.

See? I learned a lesson today…

this could be my fortune...

Many thanks to those people who contacted me requiring more information about the use of large brass hounds as a fitness aid. Due to your enthusiasm and the encouragement I received I am planning my presentation for “Dragons Den” now. I’m planning a range of different sizes and weights of brass hounds, from Chihuahuas for weak asthmatic children to Irish wolf hounds for Steroid freaks.

I hope that within a year (two at most) talk of brass hounds will be as common in the workplace as talk of gym memberships, squash games and Pilates classes are now- “Oh hi there Nick-how’s the brass hound training going? Not bad at all thanks Bill-I’ve just moved up to a red setter this week…”Phew, good work Nick!””

It will be worth it purely for the reactions from the “Dragons”. I long to see Duncan “Popeye” Bannatyne cravenly begging me for the opportunity to invest so he can incorporate them into his “Leisure Empire” whilst that dreadful sour faced old harridan in the grey baggy suit looks on, looking like she’s desperately holding in a four day old curry shit.

I wouldn’t let Peter Jones invest though, as he is a cunt. I’m not sure what it is about him, but whenever I see him, and regardless of what he is saying or doing, all I can see and hear is a small fat toddler, covered in it’s own shit, in a nappy shouting “Look at me mummy! Look at me! I DID A POO! I’m a clever boy! Look at me! Look at me!”.

I find it amusing that the “Dragons” themselves, for all their arrogance and swagger, never seem to get into the lists published of the super rich of the world-those that contain Bill Gates, Roman Abramovich, Lakshmi Mittal, The Sultan of Brunei and so forth. In those kind of circles these appalling near-caricatures of capitalism would rank only slightly above white trash lottery winners in mock Tudor Essex mansions.

What I’d like to see is someone extremely successful (and seemingly not as much of a cunt) like Richard Branson appearing on “Dragons Den” and saying “this is my new idea-it’s worth a fortune and it’s all mine, you utter scoundrels, and you can all beg like the craven spavined mongrels that you are for the scraps from my dinner table, for I AM A SELF MADE MAN AND I COULD BUY YOU!”.

I’m thoroughly sick of people telling us how we should live.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/healthy_living - stuff like this....

Although I personally try to lead a healthy and active lifestyle, and don’t feel that I m in a position to lecture to others how best to live their lives-if you want to sit about your sofa and eat pizza by all means do so… Similarly, I am an ex-smoker and although I am now vehemently anti-smoking I recognise the individual’s right to smoke. Except in restaurants, you filthy, dirty bastards…

I am writing this as it seems increasingly difficult to escape from this attitude in the media. I also don’t like it because it is cheap and easy journalism-everyone knows what’s bad for them, and what it will do to us. Everyone with any sense has looked at the facts and decided on their own “enjoyment”:”fear of early death” ratio, so it’s all preaching to the converted really-nothing anyone says will make a blind bit of difference. We don’t need more programs telling us that if we eat chips every day we get fat, ugly and can’t walk up stairs as we are fully aware of it. If you aren’t aware of it you are too stupid to live and will drown in your own fat. If it was something we worried about we do something about it, if it isn’t we don’t.

Health and fitness wasn’t something we used to worry about, people just got on with their lives. My grandfather smoked about 40 cigarettes a day and drank several pints of mild during lunchtime, but got his fitness and prodigious strength from being a steelworker, and also from carrying with him at all other times a life size cast metal statue of a beagle.

Lumping around this huge lump of metal gave him enormous amounts of endurance and amazing upper body strength with a grip like a vice.

I remember as a child watching him flex his biceps and saying to me “Look at that lad! Look at the size of them! That’s all down to my brass hound.”

After his untimely death in the early 90’s the brass beagle was passed into the hands of my eldest cousin Michael, who is now a veritable goliath of a man.

There's a moral there somewhere...