Didn’t they do well?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/this shithole makes "Black Hawk Down" look like "Operation Dumbo Drop"

Apparently Rwanda is the “most improved” country in sub Saharan Africa. Well, they couldn’t really have started much lower down the pack could they? 10 years ago they were embroiled in a hideous civil war and large scale genocide was the country’s most popular recreational pastime so I suppose the only way they could go was up really.

“Improved” can only really be a relative term in these situations-it glosses over a multitude of sins... It’s a bit like trying to make Somalia seem like a pleasant holiday destination by saying “Mogadishu is so quaint and charming” or that "The weather in Sierra Leone is nearly always lovely".

Anyway, happy ending-Rwanda is now a stable nation state governed by a psychotic military despot whose entire government is made up of members of his family, who cannibalises small children, bases all his decisions on signs he reads in the entrails of dead jackals and has over 14,000 wives (one of whom he sacrifices each day to some disgusting heathen god). Probably.

Isn't it nice when they can enjoy themselves?

Surprising as it may seem from my continued rants about almost everything in the world, I am actually a staunch advocate of the welfare state-I think on a fundamental level it forms the backbone of this country, allowing us free education and healthcare, (which are two of the finest privileges available) whilst ensuring that the vulnerable in out society are if not as well looked after as they could be then at least made slightly more comfortable..

I also think it provides an invaluable safety net for those who lose jobs, are made redundant or are genuinely unable to work-indeed, I have been among this number.

I also think it’s especially useful for those young people who have found themselves “disengaged” from education, and so perhaps feel like they might not want to work. Well, that’s fine isn’t it? You don’t need to worry, I’m happy to pay for you for the rest of your life!

Tell you what kids, at the end of each working day I’ll set aside a little bit of the money I have earned that day, just for you. That way you won’t have to worry will you? It can be put in that little account, (where so much of my money seems to go!) called “Fucking Incompetents and Government Wastage” and you can spend it on alcohol and tracksuits.

It’s special little things like this-such imaginative use of public goodwill-that give me such a warm fuzzy feeling inside. It’s like when I am going to work in the morning and I see happy, healthy people standing on street corners drinking Stella. What a lovely breakfast that must be-so much more imaginative and relaxed than my own rushed cup of tea and toast!

Anyway-this update is especially for those people. You cheered me up so much with your happy carefree faces when I saw you this morning that I felt I just had to tell someone…

I’ve always had this sense of non specific existential dread early in the mornings

Does anyone else wake up with in the night with a overwhelming sense of foreboding, full of terror at what the day might bring, and hoping that the night will never end so they don’t have to face the uncaring glare of the sunlight, which silently mocks them?

No? Just me then…

Hmmm...Where have we seen this before then?

"I'm getting on with the job of implementing Labour's manifesto. Do I need to call an election to do so? No."

"To set ambitious long-term goals and then stay the course to meet the challenges of the decade ahead"

"I think anybody who knows that a few people with guns can disrupt a whole area will want the police to use these powers" (to) "punish and prevent"

Worrying... no elections, 10 year economic plans, , a plan to crack down on foreigners and a nice shiny police state...

Well, we all DID say it would be nice to have a leader with some balls.

I’ve had a (another) great idea for “Dragon’s Den”

It needs a bit of explaining though....

Like many other companies who want to appear to have embraced multiculturalism without actually bothering, the company I work for have provided Muslim colleagues who wish to observe their right to prayer with somewhat substandard accommodation.

So far they have been given (at various points) a leaky shed, an old shower room, a disused goods lift and a second hand tent in the car park to use for religious purposes.

As you can probably appreciate, most of them have said “Fuck this” and they head for the nearest mosque at lunchtimes, thus sacrificing their lunch breaks.

There must be any number of companies with the same problems-how to appear to be taking into account other cultures and systems of belief whilst simultaneously not really giving a flying fuck.

The solution is “inflatable mosques” (much like bouncy castles, but more Arabic looking) that can be deflated and stored when not needed. Plus, you can charge people a pound to jump around on them as well. Even that cunt Peter Jones would jump at the chance to invest in that….

Has the world gone fucking mad?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/fat kids will always have it rough

Apparently the government are planning to spend 560 trillion pounds (I may be wrong about the number here) on combating “cyber bullying”*. For fucks sake…

When I was at school bullies wouldn’t send you and email that would “have the potential to hurt your feelings”-they would operate in packs to capture a child and put their head in a vice in the metal work room until their eyes popped out, or attack people in the playground with sharpened rulers or something. I think many children in my day just regarded school as “prison practice”.

Kids these days don’t know they are fucking born. Now apparently they just pass around some new fangled phone video things of people. What the fucks that all about then? It doesn’t even hurt…

There also seems to be an issue with teachers who feel threatened by this “cyber bullying”. What is this? The Children if the Fucking Corn? For Christ’s sake man, you’re an adult and they are children, now grow a pair of fucking balls…

My old man worked in a series of extremely rough schools for his entire career, and even when he was well into his 60s he could still scare the living crap of even the most troublesome teenager (I know this as I once worked with a couple of his ex pupils).

Isn’t it about time we returned to proper Victorian values of discipline, child labour and senseless mass slaughter in wars? We’ll never rebuild the empire at this rate.

* note to lazy journalists-please see a dictionary for a definition of what “Cyber” means. Do you understand now? Good, now please stop using it as an adjective or prefix for anything even remotely connected with computers or technology. It’s really beginning to fucking piss me off…

Rivers of Blood? My Arse....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/hide the kids woman, the wogs are coming over the hill...

Interesting-according to this report it is now practically impossible for a decent white person to leave the house without being repeatedly run over by a drunken, knife wielding foreign criminal who speaks no English and only came over here to traffic prostitutes (and yet somehow ended up picking cabbages in Norfolk for 12p an hour instead).

Well, let’s at least look on the bright side of all of this-if this trend continues along with global warming we soon will have no need to go abroad for our holidays will we? What with having authentic “foreign” experiences like that on our doorsteps…

Job Advert

Do you want to improve customer care?

We are looking for an enthusiastic team player who is self motivated with a good background of prevarication and a limitless capacity for conniving and lies. We need enthusiasm and excellent interpersonal skills with an ability to build and maintain solid relationships with customers through integrity and commitment and massive fucking backhanders.

TWAT Ltd is the UK’s leading supplier of pointless administrative nonsense-as an innovative provider of ceaseless carping bollocks, our corporate policies ensure realistic and objective appraisal of absolutely cock all.

Reporting to someone who is rarely, if ever, found in the office, the post holder will have line management responsibility for a team of school leavers and disaffected sociopaths to develop the business and ensure the quality and standard of our products and services, responsibilities include:

• Drive the direction and development of products to ensure that no one product is ever finished to an appropriate and saleable standard

• Ensure the quality and standard of company buzzwords
• Limitless ego massaging of key opposite numbers, in equally pointless positions
• Manage and support the department through a series of bizarre and didactic statements designed to provoke confusion and disharmony
• Identify and maximise opportunities to denigrate and abuse ethnic minorities, women and the disabled through a process of indirect discrimination and claims that people “just don’t have a sense of humour these days”
• Ensuring that you are fully capable of bobbing your head like a fucking nodding dog in meetings, whilst making affirmative type noises and not having a fucking clue what is going on underneath your own fucking nose
• Ensure the promotion, management and delivery of your own personal agenda

The post holder will work closely with and support the activities of other members of the old boy network to support all sales, commercial and operational activity.

This role requires a dynamic and enthusiastic professional, willing to lie, steal and occasionally destroy lives on a whim and with a nonchalance that would have fucking made Harold Shipman blush and who is able to tackle challenging projects and achieve targets regardless of the sheer pointlessness of their existence. With a proven track record of being a colossal cunt, you will encourage your department to achieve the highest standards of non productivity and meet pre-defined yet nebulous targets while responding to daily challenges by not being present when they occur.

To apply, please email your CV and covering letter (via your local freemasons) to our head office in the Cayman Islands

We are an equal opportunities employer, although strangely you will find no blacks in the office.

Makeover TV

I’m listening to a conversation about makeover programmes on TV. Tedious.

I have however thought of a great idea for a new one. It’s one in which I get someone who’s got very low self esteem, so low it’s debilitating-perhaps they’ve gained loads of weight, or their partner has left them-they may even have a medical condition that has aged them prematurely.

I’ll promise to change their life for them (but it won’t be easy), I’ll get them on the show and I’ll make them open up about themselves and tell me all about how unhappy they are, and how much they are looking forwards to this, as their lives are just so intolerable.

Then, as part of the "healing process" I’ll make them take all their clothes off in front of a studio audience, then I will just step back and laugh in their fucking faces.

The show is called “What do you think I am? A FUCKING MAGICIAN?”

Have we learned NOTHING from Pearl Harbour?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/for fucks sake they are at it again…

Apparently it’s all very innocent and “for the causes of Science”. I have my doubts.

This is a bit like their claim that the entire Japanese whaling fleet is used for “Scientific Research only”-which I suppose is strictly true as the aim of their research seems to be “How many whales can we kill this year?”

This rocket/doomsday device has been called “Kayuya” after the princess in an old Japanese fairy tale who flew up to the moon. How sweet.

It all sounds very innocent until you remember that “Kamikaze” means just means “Divine Wind” and therefore couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. And that Japanese fighter planes were called “Cherry Blossoms”...

Now, I’m not being a racialist here-I’m all for building bridges. It’s just I’d rather not do it with a bayonet stuck in my back if that could be helped.

a few compassionate words of reason...

Some people have said to me “Edgar, you’d better watch what you write, because sometimes you sound like a Nazi”.

Thank you for your concern, however nothing could be further from the truth-I am in fact a deeply caring and sensitive man with endless reserves of patience, whose heart sometimes literally fucking bleeds for those more unfortunate, or less intelligent than myself-those people, who through no fault of their own seem unable to function correctly in society, and instead prefer to stand around on street corners all day wearing dirty tracksuits and looking for things to steal-I fear is if this situation is allowed to perpetuate we all face a bleak, dystopian future.

However because I’m middle class and reasonably well educated, like most people in my position I have a very liberal and enlightened view about matters such as social deprivation and class inequality, views which are best summed up as:

“I don’t care what these filthy vermin do in their own rat infested slums, garrets and alleyways, but if one of them so much as steps foot on my property, by God I’ll set the dogs on them…!”

nothing like a good monkey knife fight to get the blood going....

Shocking statistics about gun crime

Just read an article of the BBC website about the “massive” rise in gun crime.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/i'm 17 year old who thinks he's a gangster/6988205.stm

Hogwash and piffle.

Apparently one in five men claims they can get hold of an illegal firearm. Utter bollocks and macho posturing. I reckon four out of five men can’t fight their way out of a fucking paper bag, never mind know someone who can supply them with a gun.

They also provide some interesting statistics-apparently 45% of people are scared of guns. Well, yes-this really would be the sensible approach wouldn’t it? As opposed to saying, for instance “Oh guns, yeah! I think they’re really cuddly, and sometimes I give mine to my toddler to play with…”

Also, the number of “fatalities and injuries” has increased from 864 in 1998-9 to 3,821 in 2005-6, which sounds alarming until you look at the little graph they provide:

All this shows is that whilst the number of injuries has risen approx 4 fold the number of fatalities has remained pretty much static. This suggests that before we take this “crime epidemic” seriously it might be worth investing in some target practice first…

An excerpt from the Diary of Samuel Pepys, from this day, 1667

10 September

Dear Diary

Once again my sluggish bowels have confounded me-I have been unable to pass anything more substantial than tiny nuggets, which are at best the size of Maltesers and at worst indistinguishable from chocolate raisins, for 3 days now.

I feel my impacted giblets can only be a consequence of my recent diet of inexpensive meats…

How foolish of me to try to economise by purchasing tainted mince...

The McCann Saga

There’ll be a film of this in a few years, mark my words…

So it appears that they have found evidence of the daughter’s blood in a hire car the little girl shouldn’t have been in? Wonder what made them check after all this time? Is it me, or does this seems to be a very unusual way of carrying out a criminal investigation?

Not that I am in any way in doubt of the skills and abilities of foreign police forces, or that I would suggest that they are staffed with inept and corrupt officials.

Numerous times whilst I have been abroad I have been impressed with their refreshing attitude towards the wearing of consistent uniforms and their dedication towards safety procedures whilst handling firearms. No doubt this resolute approach would also translate well into ensuring the integrity of crime scenes etc.

All in all I find them a model of discipline and integrity, and unlikely to hardly ever take bribes. I have no doubts that the Portuguese system of justice, where no information is released to the press, public or defence lawyers means that everything is entirely above board and beyond reproach.

I think that this recent press release from Captain Ineptides of the Portuguese Police Force detailing the progress of their investigation may shed some light on their exhausting, round the clock efforts.:

“We no look in car before this because, hey, we have siesta then we forget, no? When little girl go missing, we forget to lock hotel room anyway so rats get in first, so science men from Lisbon, they are no good. I go poke hedge with stick and she no there either.

Then my Uncle Miguel’s donkey go missing so we are spending time looking for that next, for next two months maybe.

After that we fall asleep under tree and am woken by pretty Mrs McCann. She very pretty lady, I pinch her arse you know…heh! heh! Anyway, after that I speak to my brother and he say “hey maybe she was stolen by Gypsies eh?” So, we go after filthy Gypsies and I shoot maybe four, five of them, but no little girl. I think maybe she turn up soon…maybe we bring nice Mrs McCann back in so I can sweat at her some more hey?

She go home now-maybe she like Portugal so much she come back on holiday next year?”

Apparently I’ve been a little unkind…

I’ve had a bit of a telling off today-apparently I was very short with a colleague who was wasting my time.

OH DEAR, I DO HOPE I HAVE NOT HURT THEIR FEELINGS…because that would be awful wouldn’t it? Then they might not think they would have carte blanche to bother me all day with fucking stupid questions anymore would they?

Wouldn’t it be so very liberating if you could say exactly what you thought to your colleagues without getting fired.

I would really like to be able to walk through the door on a morning with a cheery “Morning Cunts!”

I think it would be a very effective way of setting the tone for the day…

Mika

This mans very existence annoys me and the fact that he stubbornly refuses to do the decent thing and eat the end of a shotgun frankly disgusts me.

By all accounts he’s getting a bit sick of being compared to Freddie Mercury. Well, perhaps you could try not try sounding not completely fucking like him for a change, you springy haired cunt.

And that song about big girls annoys me-it’s so clearly and cynically just a ruse to get money from larger girls (which they could otherwise have spent on Greggs pastys).

I think he should put his money where his mouth and actually shag a fat bird-I’d believe he meant it then.

In fact, I want him to rerecord the video, except this time I want to see him enthusiastically penetrating Ann Widdecombe from behind.

that's very easy for you to say, you're a fucking dalek...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/spacespakker

Sean Bean must Die

The missus has been spending a lot of time watching “Sharpe” on TV recently, which is odd, as she used to hate it. The only reason for this I can think of (and she denies this) is the presence of Sean Bean.

I’ve tried wearing a Napoleonic era military uniform around the house and shouting “Lets get them Frog Bastards lads!” in my best loud northern voice but this doesn’t seem to be cutting the mustard.

I’ve had a quick look on Wikipedia and I don’t think I’m able to compete with him at all, which means I have no alternative but to assassinate him.

So far I think my best bet is either Poison or Archery.

Jeremy Kyle-“Bread and Circuses” for the benefit culture

Have you ever actually watched the Jermey Kyle show? I advise you to watch at least one episode, just so you know exactly how pathetic and awful some people’s lives really are.

It worth watching as Kyle’s pleb-goading skills are absolutely exceptional, and his hatred and contempt for his “guests” is abundantly apparent. However I still can’t believe anyone’s life is so awful they feel it could actually get better, on any level, by meeting him.

Most of the “debates” on the show seem to revolve around dole scum who have no idea about personal responsibility and who have managed to involve themselves in what I will grudgingly describe as “Love Triangles” (although this term is more usually applied to situations in sophisticated French films of the 1950’s rather than a series of sordid couplings involving ugly people in Margate). Actually, given the rate at which some of these filth seem to spawn and their indiscriminate approach to parenting when producing their vile progeny perhaps “Love Octagon” would be a more appropriate term.

The format of the show is simple-a series of idiots are paraded in front of a baying studio audience of thick cunts and each dreadful piece of dirty laundry is aired for the public. Does anyone really need to know which one of the two interchangeable fat, pig shit thick skinheads on the stage fathered some toothless boiler’s child? They’re all fucked anyway…Surely this could have all been sorted out without recourse to national television for fucks sake?

And while were on the subject-this is national television so why on earth would everyone on the show want to appear on it dressed as either a) a prostitute or b) a vagrant?

You make me physically sick with your petty jealousies and empty tedious lives you fucking maggots-why do you feel the need to inject this kind of attention seeking drama into your pathetic and worthless lives? No one needs to know which equally worthless pieces of human wreckage you have been rutting with. Why can’t you all get jobs instead? Or just fucking die?

Welcome to Leeds-it’s full of human vermin and it fucking stinks

Over the Bank holiday I had the misfortune to visit Leeds City centre for a short shopping trip. It’s been some time since I last did this and I was struck by how bloody awful the city is. It’s been a good ten years since Leeds tried to market itself as a modern, trendy exciting city (do you remember “Come to the place that’s going to be the place to be” slogan? I do-in fact it still makes me laugh). A decade later and it’s still basically just another decrepit northern mill town with a dingy tiny city centre, profoundly unexciting architecture and a distinctly unpleasant smell.

This isn’t helped by the general standard of hygiene of many of its residents. I’m fairly sure, just from my informal observations over the weekend that in terms of Washing Machine purchases and Soap consumption we are lagging behind the rest of Europe (even France).

A casual visitor to the city could easily be forgiven for thinking that most residents of Leeds are feral, weasely types that smell of old sweat and stale Lambert and Butler smoke and that most of them choose to wear tracksuit bottoms that look like they have been shat in several times, and everyone over the age of 40 has awful grey skin and very few teeth. One gets the impression they subsist from benefit cheque to benefit cheque of a diet of McCains Savoury pancakes, Cheap lager and cigarettes, Gregg’s pasties and grinding resentment.

Also visitors would very probably believe that at least 1 in every 10 people is on (or at least should be on) some kind of mental health register, as it evident that a large proportion of the population is (probably due to inbreeding) clearly just not fucking wired up correctly (e.g. their behaviour includes shouting at windows, walking sideways etc).

No, I don’t work for the Leeds City Council Public Relations department, although you’d be forgiven for thinking that…

I’m 82 and I think it’s disgusting

http://news.bbc.co.uk/wearescaredoftheblacks

I originally checked this article out because it thought it said “Cameron urges Youth Crime Fight” and I though “Gladiatorial Contests for young offenders? What a fine idea-this man Cameron has my vote!” But it turns out to be something far more mundane that that, and is entirely indistinguishable from anything any other politician has ever said. Shame really...

Irritating Pseudo Scientific Bollocks

I have been asked if I wish to attend a seminar on Neuro Linguistic Programming with some other colleagues. How super, I simply can’t wait to take part and be one of those “team players” you hear about. And afterwards perhaps we could all to go to a séance where I could speak to my dead Granddad, drink some snake oil then see David fucking Icke…

Not sure how much people know about it, but New Langoustine Procedure is a set of techniques that reputedly allow you to influence others USING ONLY THE POWER OF YOUR MIND!!!!

Yeah, right…that sounds likely… It all reminds me of that “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for” scène in Star Wars, but done by men in unpleasant cheap suits.

Basically, from what I’ve observed from people who have attended these courses it entails shaking hands for slightly too long for it to be comfortable, looking directly and unblinkingly into peoples eyes and placing peculiar stresses on certain words, meaning that the person in question just looks and sounds like they have mild learning difficulties (which isn’t that unusual if you work in a big enough company).

Essentially, it’s just more management claptrap disguised as good business practice. Nasty Lasagne Protocol is yet another of those phenomena, like buzzwords, that weak people use to cover up professional inadequacies.

It’s quite clear when you see the people running these seminars that there is absolutely no way that any normal company (unless it was one of those awful loans companies that advertise on daytime TV) would employ them as they are quite clearly either deluded, incompetent, a twat, or a combination of all three, however by obfuscating these apparently self evident truths with a thick veneer of utter bullshit they seem able to carve out these precarious careers.

Which is fine as far as it goes because I admire a successful chancer as much as the next chap, and provided I don’t have to work with the cunt it doesn’t bother me

What does irritate me is when other people fall for this rubbish-otherwise sane individuals leave these seminars thinking (for about 2 days) that they actually have secret super powers. Only instead of having been bitten by a radioactive spider or something of that ilk they got them from sitting in a “Holiday Inn” conference room in Leicester, looking at flipcharts and listening to a bloke who normally does “Quit Smoking Now” seminars and thinks he is Paul McKenna.

So even if I don’t go to this seminar I’ve still got the best part of a week of people staring like swivel eyed madmen and talking like Ben Fucking Kenobi at me. Joy…

How many grossly overweight people can YOU see?

From my desk I can see eight, which is quite horrific considering there are only about two dozen people in this (big) room. I’m not talking slightly chubby here either, I’m talking morbidly obese, wheeze as they stand up to get to a vending machine, porky type fuckers here.

It looks like a lorry load of fucking weebles crashed into the building…

Do you know why this is? I’ll fucking tell you why…

So far this morning we’ve already had a sandwich run, a bacon sandwich run, some cakes brought in and there is a chip shop run, a McDonald’s run and a Subway run set up for lunchtime.

This is all apparently OK because it’s Friday today which is a special day, and today we can stuff ourselves in plain sight (despite the fact that it looks like a pack of fucking pigs at a trough all bastard day) and not have to hide in cupboards to eat family sized bags of Doritos in about four fucking fistfuls like on "normal" days.

And yet, they still have the sheer bloody gall to ask me how I stay in shape despite being on the down side of thirty. Well, let me see, perhaps it’s because I don’t look like Captain Caveman waving a turkey drumstick around all day. Or that I have to occasionally buy new shoes because I actually walk around in mine. Or that I don’t drink the equivalent of a pint of pork fat each day. It could be any of those couldn’t it?

My God, you make me sick you pack of obese fucking hyenas…

random fucking pointless nonsense

Had a weird dream last night (yes, I am aware they are supposed to be weird-they are dreams after all) in which I was fighting in the Fray Bentos army against the army of Ribena. It was all very lifelike (well, it was like “Call of Duty” or something similar anyway) and I was some kind of Andy McNab type character.

Anyway, eventually the top brass at Fray Bentos betrayed me and sent me on a mission I wasn’t supposed to survive. Luckily, instead of my demise (as they had planned) I was captured alive by the Ribena army, whose cause was just, so I ended up fighting for them against the Fray Bentos side instead.

It was a fantastic dream, I thoroughly enjoyed it and I think there’s a book in it too.

Anyway, what I was actually going to write about was either a) Elvis or b) a Lad’s nights out. Couldn’t think of anything to write about Elvis until the 30^th anniversary of his death hysteria dies down (and by “hysteria” what I mean is a series of ITV specials)

We had a Lad’s night out last week, which was a right good laugh except I felt absolutely bloody awful the next day (although I wasn’t sick on any furniture).

I have however found the secret of getting your partner to agree to Lads nights out (or girls nights out for that matter) without undue levels of tricky negotiation. Simply ask for far, far more than you require and slowly haggle it down to an acceptable level:

“Hi Love-got a mail from Barry Bear earlier-We’re off out next Friday to kill some prostitutes then buy loads of crack from a black man in an inner city pub car park”

“No”

“Can we go out to a knocking shop, then onto an all night drinking den, frequented by people who have just come out of prison instead?”

“Hmmm…well…..”

“How about if I just go out and get completely fucking twatted and promise to come home alive, if somewhat unsteady and be fuck all use for anything the next day? (As indeed I did)”

“Yeah, OK. Have Fun love!!”

Easy…

ANGERCISE

This is an advertisement I am putting in “Men’s Health” for my new exercise programme. It’s one of the many commercial “irons in the fire” I currently have, including a revolutionary new type of biscuit and a small cannon that fires pork pies (I believe it will have many uses in the law enforcement community).

I’m always looking for new investors, so please feel free to give me a shout if you fancy “Making ££££££££££££s in your spare time”.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You know, people often say to me “Fat Edgar, how do you stay so lean and slim despite eating old meat like some kind of fucking industrial bin?” to which I reply “Because, you Fat Slob, I exercise like a bastard as much as possible, rather than sitting in the dark eating biscuits and crying. Now get your hands out of your desk drawer, you orange fingered old cunt, I can see the enormous open bag of wotsits you have in there.”

To help people like this, and even yourselves I have created my own exercise programme, it’s called “Angercise” and it’s something that works very well for me AND IT CAN WORK FOR YOU TOO!!

Scientifically developed using a combination of psychological and physical techniques the programme relies almost entirely on emotional “triggers” that are based on the limited emotional concepts most men are capable of experiencing (very little extra equipment is needed for the programme).

The triggers themselves are:

“Sex”
“Fighting”
“Anger”
“Sausages”
“Sleep”

By conscious manipulation of these concepts; for example by thinking about fighting, whilst at the same time restricting your sausage consumption you will find much “Anger” is created-“Anger” is the core component of “Angercise”, however I believe Anger alone is not enough-it must be precisely honed and focused into a blinding red mist.

By combining other triggers-for instance by realising it is now sometime since you have had a decent nights sleep-you can whip yourself up into a massive fury and move onto other, much more useful anger states including (but in no way limited) to:

“Paranoid Revenge Fantasies”
“Envy”
“It’s all their fault”
“I hate my body”
“I will fucking murder you all, you spineless pack of gibbons”
“Look at him, the smug fucking cunt, I’ll smash his fucking face in”

The only limit to your potential is your lack of personal demons!!!

All you need is complete random directionless fury, and a punch bag (or vagrant) and you’re well away-just watch the pounds drop off!

Why not sign up today?”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s always worked for me, and if this proves popular I will be producing a line of “Angercise” sports wear and accessories, and also a range of special sport/energy sausages (essentially premium pork sausages containing different ratios of Amphetamines/alcohol)

Of all the sheer fucking idiocy

A close mate is getting married soon, which is all well and good, but we need to arrange a stag do for him.

These are notoriously bloody annoying to arrange because everyone wants to do different things, you end up trying to please everyone and spend ages arranging a weekend of GoKarting/drinking/strippers/archery/Ibiza/falconing/wall of death riding, then 3 days before everyone it’s due to happen everyone fucking cancels anyway, leaving you about £4000 out of pocket because you’ve just rented a load of elephants and knocking shop full of child prostitutes in Latvia for three weeks.

Anyway, a friend of the bride has suggested amalgamating the Stag and Hen nights. After telling her to “go get your fucking head looked at woman” it set me off thinking about what we should actually do.

So far the most popular idea has been riding around the desert in Mexico on motorcycles, hunting down condemned criminals with crossbows whilst wearing dresses. Is this the midlife crisis we were expecting?

I have just received an email

It is an email advising me that the email address of our own internal IT service desk is temporarily out of order, due to technical problems.

Oh, the terrible, bittersweet irony of it…

The Crazy Toilet Man

I got caught by the crazy toilet man again this morning-I’m not sure if I ever mentioned the crazy toilet man before, but he’s a very friendly bloke who works here (at least, I think he works here. I hope he works here because he’s always hanging round the toilets, and if he isn’t employed here I’m pretty sure he’s a security risk) whose job it is to go from toilet to toilet emptying the bins and putting new bin liners in.

The only problem with this is that he is quite clearly utterly mad-he has one of those “unfinished” sort of faces you see only on the very ill and/or insane-all scraggly hair, wobbly eyes and missing teeth. He doesn’t exhibit any signs of learning difficulties/Downs syndrome etc though, just sheer rampant insanity.

He lurches from toilet to toilet heaving massive bags of rubbish whilst singing to himself and accosting people who pass by and dragging them into his extremely strange one-sided conversations:

“I’m only here Tuesdays. Tuesdays, Thursdays. I can come Wednesdays though, I can. Could if I want. Always full. Always. By Wednesdays, always. I told them it would be full!! I did!!!!! HAHAHAHA” etc. Very disconcerting indeed.

If you’re actually in the toilet when he comes in it’s even worse-your best bet is to get yourself locked into a cubicle ASAP before he starts, otherwise you end up listening to him and nodding for five minutes before you have to say something like “I’m shutting the door now” loudly and clearly and then he stops.

This is what happened to me this morning, unfortunately it was worse than normal because someone had been putting paper towels down the toilet (again) which blocks them and this ALWAYS sets him off “lookatthis!!lookatthis!! all over floor, all over. Is there a boss? Is there? Toilet paper, towels. Towels, toilet paper…Needs telling, needs saying…” and so forth.

I sent him off in the general direction of the building manager. He hasn’t sent me an email to thank me yet…

I AM MONOBROW!!!!!!

I noticed yet another distressing sign of ageing yesterday-I looked in the mirror and noticed that my eyebrows appear to have joined up.

Startled, I ran downstairs and showed my partner (well, I pointed frantically at my face whilst spluttering), who calmly advised me “Yes, I noticed it a few weeks ago, you fucking freak”.

So there we are-I am now destined to become a werewolf. Wonderful…

Cretinous Fuckdonkeys

I mainly write technical documents for a living, that and deal with system queries, often from people who have suffered Brain Death. Sometimes these two worlds collide with depressing results.

When writing professionally I don’t write like this of course-it would be considered extremely bad form indeed to write a manual containing passages like: “If the previous menu option (fig 112b) is inoperative and /or greyed out, you are clearly a cunt. Return to command line and furiously wank like a gibbon until a keeper arrives”.

However, recently I received a comment from an end user about some documentation, saying it was “complex and difficult to understand”. Well, yes, this would be because:

a) It’s a technical document (do you understand?).

and

b) You’re a fucking clueless fool (fit only to have your bones boiled for soup).

However, as our internal policy states under these circumstances I have had to review the document writing proecedurezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Suffice to say, from now on I am going to write everything in Mong, just for this person.

Having some trouble with the 5 bellied fuck pig

The five bellied fuck pig has taken a break from writing her erotic fan fiction to try to “write”* some “software”** which is predictably utter cock and manages to fall over every bastard time.

She only tested it on her computer of course, as no one else lets her use their computer due to the excessive amount of bacon grease deposits she leaves behind.

Unfortunately it’s now gone out to most of our customers and instead of trying to rectify the problem she’s gone off into a corner to cry loudly and eat biscuits.

Guess who’s trying to sort it out now? Yes, it’s fucking Muggins here, with the help of a strange French bloke who seems very helpful (although like most French, not necessarily to be relied upon under conditions of war).

Does anyone else work under these conditions?

* Cobble together

** Complete fucking rubbish

Customer service is an art form

One with which i am most adept...

Recently, against almost everyone’s better judgment we have created a facility whereby our customers can unlock the magic powers of their computers to create and log queries with us, rather than pick up the phone and speak to our highly trained team of call centre monkeys (which is almost always a collision of low impact intellects).

We have been tasked to produce suitable automated replies to these queries, here is mine:

"Dear valued customer

Many thanks for your recent query.

After filtering the contents of your brain through one of our special “Mind Sieves” we have been to ascertain the general gist of your train of thought, and even if we still haven’t managed to really grasp the specifics of your unfocused rage we feel more than optimistic about rectifying the terrible personal slight our company appears to have randomly inflicted on you.

There may be a small delay in reviewing your query due to the fact that you did not, at any point add any contact details to your query, which is of course our fault entirely (as indeed is the awful standard of spelling and grammar within the content of your query. We would like to assure that has nothing to do with the fact that you appear to have the typing skills of something with a set of pig’s tits for fingers and is entirely our responsibility).

If there is any further way in which I can help you at this juncture please do not hesitate, even for one moment, before picking up the phone and bellowing randomly down it like a wounded and confused cow, as I for one like nothing better than to listen to the petty vindictive ramblings of a low calibre intellect for a protracted period of time.

Please rest assured that I will not allow myself, or anyone else within this vast and spurious organisation, to rest until this grave and terrible insult has been wiped forever from the pages of history.

Your spastic hat is in the post.

Fat Edgar"

I think this hits exactly the right balance between professionalism and caring..

Sometimes I wish I had hooves instead of feet just so I could kick idiots to death more effectively…

But that’s just the way I am really. Recently I said some unkind things about supermarket sausages and “fancy poofter sausages”. I’d like to apologise for this. A few days ago I tried some ASDA finest pork, cranberry and Chilli sausages which were absolutely top notch bangers. It’s opened up a whole new world of sausage treats for me. Highly recommended, however the pork and leek ones, although tasty, did give me an upset stomach.

Sometimes I think my love of all things pork is all that stops me being one of those “Jihadists” you hear about in the news. That, and that if I grow a beard my face itches. No self respecting suicide bomber should be seen without a full luxuriant beard. It would be letting the side down.

This morning we have a representative from one of our branches in London in our office (we are most honoured). He’s a bit like Ray Winstone but on amphetamines. It’s quite disconcerting at this hour, especially as he’s ranting about the withdrawal of British troops from Northern Ireland.

Big sharp hooves…

Some people more angry than I am

I have spent quite some time wondering about the state of my mental health since I started writing this blog thing. Is it normal to feel this much hatred, anger and contempt? And even if it is, is it normal to write it down for the entire world to see (a moot point I know, as I suspect I know everyone who reads this)?

I suspect it might be healthier than bottling it all up, although I might be wrong. Maybe all the psychologists and stuff will change their minds about that and start telling people just to shut the fuck up and get on with things. And who’d blame them?

So I’ve been on a search to find people even more angry than I am (they do exist, however many of them are incarcerated), and have found these guys-the National Secular Society. They are a bit of a single issue group really, and you get the impression most of them have been fiddled with by Vicars at some point during childhood, but it's amusing nonetheless. Well, amusing in a “we’re really angry about something that most people couldn’t give a shit about” kind of way. In that way it’s very similar to reading the letters page in a local newspaper really.

It’s as shame that my parents didn’t bother getting me christened as it means that now I can’t write rude letters to religious authorities about it. Well, I suppose I can if I want, but they wouldn’t really have much substance to them:

Dear Vicar

Erm... Fuck Off!

Love

Fat Edgar

This creature must be destroyed....

Anyone seen this? Absolutely mental.

BURN IT WITH HAMMERS!!!! That’s what I say.

The report omitted any mention of whether it also has glowing red eyes and hisses “Their sssouls are now minneeee…..” as well.

Mind you, it’s not that unusual I suppose-when I was a child my gerbils used to tell me to kill prostitutes.

7 wet in worst floods since this time last week

Anyone else getting a bit sick of these kinds of “headlines”? It’s not really news anymore is it? As far as I am aware (or for that matter care) Lincolnshire has been under water since April.

Apparently some areas of Britain have received up to 1 centimetre of rainfall, causing havoc to the local infrastructure. What? Have I missed something and do we live in a third world country now? Perhaps we do, and if so: “Heed my Words!!! Sky God is angry-he sends you his tears! Give me gold and I will make him stop!”

As far as I know less than 10 people have died throughout this episode (and 2 of them lived in Hull, so it was pretty much a merciful release for them), and those that have died have been as the result of tragic accidents and other factors, and unfortunately tragic accidents do happen to people regardless of weather conditions.

The media meanwhile produce more and more bloody lazy journalism with identikit footage of a local news reporter carrying an umbrella and wearing Wellingtons saying: “Well, as you can see, it’s very wet here” followed by short interview with an old couple who have very wet downstairs carpets, and a mysteriously smudged photograph album.

My response is: Would it not be wise, perhaps if you live next to a river, maybe on very flat land and if it hasn’t stopped raining for 3 months to perhaps think about taking some stuff upstairs? Especially if, as seems so depressingly common, this actually happened to you last fucking year as well…

Another Series of Half Arsed Ideas, Poorly Executed...

I have decided to swallow my pride and buy a copy of the latest Harry Potter tonight, however I’m going to just read the last chapter, write a short synopsis of it then email it to everyone in the company with the subject header “Important directive from Board, please read”.

I’m also writing a novel myself now (under the name “Chad Steel IV”). I’ve been trying to catch the cultural zeitgeist, so I have had a quick look around the “literature” section in ASDA and have come up with the working title “The Arthurian Crusader Nazi Paradox Atlantis Freemason’s List Wizard Roswell Theorem Raider”. You can probably expect to see it in Charity shops from next summer onwards.

The actual content is of course complete garbage and largely irrelevant, as it’s meant to be read by people who are either on holiday and/or the educationally sub-normal. However it does feature Elvis, Adolf Hitler, Princess Diana and Jade Goody (and a range of glamorous locations) so I’m hoping it will appeal to a very wide range of fucking cretins. If I can get a decent foreword written by Andy McNab or Derek Acorah to get it started I think I’m definitely onto a winner with it.

Harry Fucking Potter

I won’t go on about this too much. I just don’t have enough time and it will get me far, far too angry…

I think it’s enough just to say:

“Adults, up all night, dressed as wizards, waiting for a book. For a fucking book.”

You need to get your fucking heads looked at people...

Hopefully once they have made the film of this one, this should signal the end of this rather tiresome period in popular culture and we can all move on-I won't have to listen to this kind of fucking rubbish from fools anymore:

“Ooo… But have you read the books Fat Edgar??? Have you??? I'll lend you them!!! I've got them all on my bookshelf where books for grown-ups should be!!!!They’re really good-adults can read them too you know…”

Well, yes I’ll grant you that they can, but adults can also read fucking Noddy as well if they want to-it doesn’t make it right, it just means that normally you would expect them to be handicapped…. Fucking bottom feeders…

Just move on…

Daniel Radcliffe already has, bless him. He’s now in a play where he fucks a horse. I bet his grandma’s really proud of him now… “Oh Danny, not only were you in a series of films which touched the souls of an entire generation, but now you’re up to your spuds in dobbin…”

Perhaps now I will also be able to finally shift a few copies of my own series of children's books: "The Adventures of Young Adolf"...

More about utterly awful concerts

Hello Weston-Super-Mare!!!

Did anyone see any coverage of the “T4 on the beach” bloody awful outdoor concert yesterday? Bilge of the highest order in my view. I’m not keen on outdoor concerts anyway (Glastonbury is a different matter), especially ones on the beach. And in Weston Super Mare. So not my sort of thing at all really.

Outdoor gigs are usually rubbish anyway, unless you actually like spending 2 hours queuing for a piss with a load of drunk, angry sunburned Geordies. Apparently the highlight of yesterday’s gig was a performance by “Dizzee Rascal”. For fucks sake…

The best song in the world is inside my head anyway-it’s my own arrangement of “Gold” by Spandau Ballet. It’s fucking brilliant, and the only barrier to getting it released and it going platinum and me being extremely fucking rich and buying a massive chimpanzee farm is that I unfortunately can’t sing as well in real life as I can inside my own head.

The second best song in the world is also inside my head-it’s a cover of “Poison’s” 1987 megahit “Every Rose has its Thorn (but every night has its door-horr-horr-horrnnn)” sung by the Reverend Ian Paisley.

The “B” side of that single is him singing “Mr Bojangles” and "That's Armore". If you were lucky enough the get the 12 inch, it also has an unforgettable version of Elaine Paige and Barbara Dickson’s “I knew him so well” in which he duets with the late Pope John Paul II.

A lesson to you all...

Today I went into our small walk-in stationary cupboard to get some sundry office items-a new ream of paper for my printer and some more staples.

Upon opening the door and entering the cupboard I was unexpectedly faced with a very small man in a wheelchair who was texting someone.

Please note: If you are ever in a similar situation, this really is not a good time to involuntarily exclaim: “Arrghhh!!!! Spastic in the Wardrobe!!!

Another day, another Twat...

Upon getting into the office today and checking my emails I had one of my “anger moments”.

I’m sure I’m not the only one out there for whom just the sight of a particular name in their inbox is enough to make them want to drive a Ford Cortina full of Calor gas into an old people’s home.

It never seems to matter much what the subject of the email is, because whenever I read it, to me is just looks like this:

From: Four eyed twat
Sent: 17 July 2007 23:59
To: Fat Edgar, Some other bastards
Subject: I’ve found a niggling, impossibly tiny inconsistency in something and am now going to bray on and on and on about it. I bet you’re glad I’m not your Dad.

Dear Fat Edgar

I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt. I’m a cunt

Regards

A. Twat.

I can’t be the only person out there who feels like this…

Do these fuckers not have anything else to worry about?

Yes, once again the BBC website has annoyed me. Well, not the BBC website itself, but rather the cretinous fuckmonkeys it reports on:

More fucking hippie bollocks

Isn’t it great when po-faced hippy idiots get really wound up and annoyed with something? I can just imagine them spitting lentils as they start shouting about it...

Just read the damning comments by the Ann Bryn-Evans, the“Joint Wessex District Manager for The Pagan Federation”. She has said that they will be doing some rain magic to get rid of this problem.

Rain Magic? Rain Magic??? FOR FUCKS SAKE do you stupid fuckers ever stop to wonder why you’re not regarded as a serious political force? Has it not occurred to you it might be because you come out with complete fucking dogshit like this?

Now is it just me, or is that just not a very Pagan job title she has either? It doesn’t make me think of a proud race of ancient warriors, it just makes me think of spreadsheets and hippies, which is weird.

At the end of the day, it’s a giant picture of man with a huge boner. How exactly can the addition of Homer Simpson, or anything else for that matter, make something like that any more or less ridiculous and absurd?

Fraiday Afternoons...

Bah!!! still over half an hour to go...

What to do next? some light internet browsing, or perhaps i should just break open this paperweight and drink the blue liquid therein?

The Wretched Inconvenience that is Modern Employment Law

In an abrupt move from the pseudo-political slant of some of my more recent rants I have decided today to move back to the arena with which I am far more familiar-my complete and utter contempt for most people.

There’s no escaping the fact that we are constantly surrounded by Divs. There was some research done a few years ago saying that the average city dweller was never more than ten feet away from a rat. I can absolutely fucking guarantee that if you work in an office you are considerably closer than this to a colossal fuckwit.

It can’t have escaped the attention of anyone who works in an office (I can’t speak for many other working environments although I suspect the situation is exactly the same) that some of the people in your office, if they weren’t using a computer as an adjunct to their somewhat basic intelligence, would have to forge themselves a new career in the lucrative and competitive world of “scrabbling in bins for food”, such is their seeming inability to perform even the most mundane of tasks outside of their normal remit without first staring blankly into the middle distance for a good ten fucking minutes.

I can see quite a few examples of this kind of genetic refuse from my fortified alcove in the corner of the office-people whose induction to their jobs appears to only have consisted of “right then, press a button once every minute-if that phone rings, pick it up and mumble a monosyllabic response-do this every day until six months before you die.”. Mind you, as long as they are allowed to eat pies while they are doing this they don’t seem to mind that much.

I have even, to my own misfortune, inherited a few when I took over this department (my first step on the way to world domination). Thankfully I have been able to get rid of most of them, but employment law being what it is, just like the stubborn stains around the bowl of the toilet after you’ve had a particularly virulent stomach bug, there are still one of two that are proving very resistant.

I may have to consult one of the management books I have been given regarding this problem, although I suspect that “Discover your inner Braying Fuckwit” or whatever it’s called won’t cover this situation. I might have to write my own book on this-I think I’m going to call it “Idiots: How to hurt their minds” or something similar. I think there's probably potential for a Seminar in that actually...

Oh for fucks sake....

Sorry-this is another one from the BBC website that irritated me-I’ll try to be funny about it but no guarantees...

A feeble attempt to prevent children from becoming almost completely feral

This is a broadly similar issue to a rant I wrote a few weeks ago about filthy dole scum.

In an effort to “engage” with the youth of today it appears that once again the government is going to fuck around with education (and spend a shitload of money) to make it more “relevant” and “focused”. Whatever… In my experience the 2 major problems facing education are as follows:

1) A lot of teachers are Cunts
2) A lot of children are Cunts

And that’s about it really.

The ideal solution would be of course to ensure that all the cunts end up in the same buildings, however no one seems to have considered this as a viable option as yet. I think it’s only a matter of time though-most of the other avenues must be exhausted by now. The Government could give them a special name like “Dickhead Institutes” or something. It could be a lasting tribute to the fucking useless lard arse that is Gordon Brown.

I really do think I have a point here-thinking back to my own schooldays I am pretty sure that all problems could be traced back to the above two problems. For instance, most of my memories of lessons aren’t of learning about useful and/or interesting things as most of the lessons appeared to be punctuated at regular intervals by a incredibly stupid kids shouting and biting each other, whilst at the front of the class a social misfit who couldn’t handle a job where they would have to interact with other adults droned on about fucking Roman Roads, whilst completing failing to maintain order.

Most of these problems could have been dealt with at source-rather than continue to waste money on cretins it would make better financial sense in the long term to give them a tenners worth of smack and let nature take its course. I also think teaching should also not necessarily be the first choice of career for weak minded fools who couldn’t find another job with holidays that were quite as good.

That isn’t to say there aren’t very good teachers out there, but there are certainly some absolutely bloody appalling ones, and unfortunately it seems impossible to sack a teacher once they are in post unless they get caught fiddling with kids. Ideally we need more people who are like Rhodes Boyson and less people who are like Mr Bean in the profession.

That way perhaps I wouldn’t have had to rely on the History Channel to complete my education (actually that’s unfair-we never had that many lessons about Adolf Hitler, tiger sharks or the pyramids anyway)…

A challenge

I don't have the room anymore, but if anyone gets Guernica tattooed on their back (and provides photographic evidence), I'll treat them to a slap up feast and the Hotel de Posh.

Can't say fairer than that...

Compare and Contrast

This got on my goat today….

Please check out these two articles from the BBC website regarding the plight of young women:

This tragic story

and

This article which makes me understand why suicide bombers might want to destroy "The Infidel West"

And after reading them, just ask yourself:

Why the fuck don’t people have priorities?

Both articles involve risks to young women, and both articles involve models but other than that they are poles apart and I think they perfectly illustrate the levels of incredibly blinkered self involvement some people are capable of.

The first article details the extremely horrific and harrowing practice of female circumcision (called, quite rightly, in this article “Genital Mutilation”), and the activities of one particular woman, who after being forced to undergo this trauma has since been trying to eradicate this terrible and barbaric practice - I defy anyone to read this without it sending a shiver of horror down their spine. To know that this can happen to up to 3 million girls per year, and that there are people out here to whom carrying these procedures out is just a part of life is something that truly terrifies me.

The second article, rather differently, is about models who might be considered a bit too thin... It was also the one that had a special twenty minute slot on the BBC Breakfast news…

Although no doubt a very serious issue in its own right-everyone is aware of the danger, particularly relevant to young woman, of eating disorders. However, rather than concentrate on the effect of these disorders on normal women and girls, the article decides to concentrate on models. WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE TOO FUCKING THIN ANYWAY. Now I'm no tubby chaser myself but this one really annoyed me...

For fuck’s sake, we aren’t talking about normal people here, were talking about 8 foot tall, extremely self-involved, etiolated giraffe women who have FUCKING CHOSEN to enter a profession absolutely notorious for it’s terrible working practices in this area. It’s practically part of the job description for Christ’s sake…

Normal young women just don’t think “Hmmm….What’s my ideal career? I know-one that will involve about five years of eating nothing but fucking lettuce and being screamed at by outrageously camp men. I might even get drugged and raped at a party-wouldn’t that be super?” These people were fucking freaks to begin with…

To say that people aren’t aware of this is when they enter this profession is like someone deciding to become a Boxer, but not realising that it means they might get punched now and then.

The major issue in this article is not the issue that is pertinent to society as a whole, which is that perfectly normal shaped women are made to feel unattractive, and in many cases are suffering mentally and physically directly because of the ridiculously unreasonable ideals portrayed in the media, but that the British Fashion Council is defending its right to use these people.

Presumably they will trot out their usual excuses that “These women are used because clothes hang better on taller slimmer women”. They have also (although it is not mentioned in this article) for the same reason refused to ban the use of “Size Zero” models. Presumably because People like Karl Lagerfeld enjoy having a wank whilst fantasising about woman who look like a cross between coat hangers and a glockenspiel.

What utter fucking bollocks-from what I’ve seen of “fashion” (which admittedly isn’t much, however I am thinking specifically the likes of Gautier and Westwood) the clothes in question would look no less ridiculous if Kathy Burke was stamping up and down the catwalk in them than if “insert name of twelve year old, probably eastern European, currently popular, two-eyes-on-a-stick looking model here” was wearing them, indeed I would go as far as saying “clothes looking better” is very much a relative term when used to describe people dressed in a giant silk wasp costumes or similar items.

So, back to the original point-who do we feel most sorry for? The girls in the first article or the girls in the second? And guess which one will be on the news tonight…

Anyway, I think I might have got a bit too caring and “New Man” in this article so… erm… Phwooar, tits eh? Wahey!!! Fancy a fight?

Spare a thought for the Diana Impersonators

This is really a follow up to last weeks Diana Tribute concert, in all it’s mawkish glory. I didn’t watch it as it looked awful, like Glastonbury for the fox hunting set… I also got very annoyed with comments in the press telling us how bravely the “Young Princes” held up.

Now, I don’t want to sound cruel, and I know how tragic it must have been to lose your mother at such a young age (especially as she was pissed and shagging an Arab bloke at the time-that must have been hard) but it has been 10 years, and I would hope that their grief has been somewhat tempered by the passage of time now. Given that their favourite pastimes appear to be fox hunting and grabbing young women’s tits in night clubs you get the impression that they aren’t the most introspective of young men anyway…

I also imagine that it is somewhat easier to reconcile yourself to a family life of tragedy if you are filthy fucking rich than if you were some poor bastard who had a proper life to get on with, with all its attendant stresses and worries. If all you have to worry about is one of your fucking polo ponies going lame I imagine the rest of your life is quite easy.

Anyway, my idea for a TV programme to mark the decade since the tragic loss of our “Princess of Hearts” is:

“Diana: a Tribute to her Impersonators”

A programme in which we look at the fortunes of those young women who depended on HRH for a career, and what they have been doing since her untimely demise… I bet some of them became Jill Dando impersonators instead. Wonder how that worked out for them?

EDIT-wasn’t sure whether to add this bit-it was in the original draft I did, but I took it out as I felt it was a bit too sentimental, but I think I should add it now:

“It’s all a lot of fucking bollocks-two friends of mine have both lost parents this year-in both cases good people who led good lives and gave infinitely more to society than a that parasitic louse ever did. I also think that they would both be glad to know that their children won’t be getting “Dire Straits” out of whatever rehab/care home they are currently in to commemorate their passing.”

The Cuddly Pleasant Face of the Far Right..

Did anyone watch that programme about fascism last night? Think it was called “Fascism in Colour” or some thing similar…

It was part of Channel 5’s attempts to move away from their traditional “Some tits and a car chase” evening schedule into something remotely intellectual (best of luck I say-if channel 4 are going to continue showing “Big Brother” and it’s numerous farcical offshoots I can’t see why Channel 5 can’t try to win some viewers over)

Anyway, it was really quite good-a view (the word analysis would be an exaggeration) of Italian fascism (did you know the word “Fascism” comes from an Italian word meaning “we’re unemployed, but wearing cool clothes and having a scrap looks like a bloody good laugh”. Or something like that anyway…), but it was mostly in colour, which was quite a nice touch.

It was also quite timely, showing as it did what can happen to a country when it gets taken over by a funny looking lardy cunt with no clear agenda, although in his favour Benito Mussolini was a bit more glamorous than Gordon Brown, and was also considerably less Scottish (which is two points in his favour-so far it’s Benito 1, Gordon 0)

It was quite a strange programme in so far as it tried to differentiate between “Fascism” and “Nazism”, and seemed, at least in my opinion, like it was trying to suggest that fascism was like an informal, jolly, vaguely farcical and slightly cuddly organisation. A bit like “Eddie Large” would be, if he was a political force in the early twentieth century, especially when compared to the far more dour and darkly sinister “Sid Little” type of movement that Nazism was.

Ultimately of course, just like “Little and Large”, it all ended in an acrimonious spilt, preceded by a rapid decline in fortune after several years of successively decreasing popularity ratings. Except Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini didn’t have a crap sketch/magic/variety show on Saturday evenings (although if they had, perhaps Europe would be a very different place now).

Seem to have got off the point a bit now…

Tomorrow I will be providing an in depth analysis of the causes, escalation and final resolution of the “Cold War”, and the eventual defeat of communist ideology by the market forces of the “Free World”, with specific reference and comparisons to Les Dennis and Dustin Gee, and their ill-fated (and grotesquely misnamed) “Laughter Show”.

My Productive Morning

Do you remember when you were at school and occasionally they would bring in people to talk about the wonderful world of work, and how rewarding and productive it would be for us?

They were lying little cunts weren't they?

Well, I’ve spent my morning dealing with the fallout from this email string (see below-I have changed the names of those involved in the emails not to protect the terminally stupid, but to prevent being convicted of cyber crimes).

Basically it revolves round a few principal characters –myself, Fucknut Number 1, Div who can’t Spell, Dingbat Fuckflaps, Pig Faced Slapper and Racist Fish Wife, with a smattering of bit players and bystanders.

As manager of some of said fools I have been dragged in to mediate this conflict…

My apologies for the length of this post, I really find it very difficult to understand how I got to a point in my life where I had to deal with spanners like this. The emails speak for themselves really...

Let it begin:

..................................................................................

From: Racist Fish Wife
To: Fat Edgar
Subject: RE: SALAAM

Good poor Fucknut Number 1 is very upset about this and so is all of our department, also then to drag me into it and want to beat me up.

________________________________________
From: Fat Edgar
To: Racist Fish Wife; Fat Edgar’s Boss
Subject: RE: SALAAM
Hello Racist Fish Wife

We are escalating this issue with Some Other Poor Fucker Who’s Too Busy To Deal With This Shit Right Now now.

Will keep you posted

Fat Edgar

From: Racist Fish Wife
To: Fat Edgar
Subject: RE: SALAAM

Hi
This is totally unacceptable

________________________________________
From: Fucknut number 1
To: Racist Fish Wife Hirst; Innocent Bystander number 1; Innocent Bystander number 2
Subject: FW: SALAAM


________________________________________
From: Div who can’t spell
To: Fucknut number 1
Subject: RE: SALAAM

he just sent this email to my team.... thick shi*.... he finks he knows it all... see my reply attached... LOL
READ ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.....lol

Yes we are aware Dingbat Fuckflaps, but people should really come out of the fault logs if someone else is looking into this, that's much easier to do.
Or we can all shout like Pig faced slapper and say oiiiiiiiiii get out of my fault log... :0)

________________________________________
From: Dingbat Fuckflaps
To: SHIP OF FOOLS
Subject: ECR's Locked

Not sure if everyone was aware of how to do this or not
If someone has left themselves in an fault log rather than having to mail them to come out you can just chuck them out
From the main fault screen go Information then Support Utilities then Recover Locked Fault log
Find the Fault Log number then press then the Entry number then Y to confirm

________________________________________
From: Fucknut number 1
To: Div who can’t spell
Subject: RE: SALAAM

tell him if he has anything to say to me be a man and say it to my face and then I will show him!

________________________________________
From: Div who can’t spell
To: Fucknut number 1
Subject: SALAAM

i fink he's just cussin u at the mo... LOL. AM SURE i heard him say something like ur people R THICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
Pig faced slapper wants me to go and beat Racist Fish Wife up...
LOL. Everyone has had enuf of u guys.... am surprised they havnt sed ur name yet... soon babbbbyyyyy


________________________________________
From: Fucknut number 1
To: Div who can’t spell
Subject: Hello

you know your mate Dingbat Fuckflaps you should tell him to get out of that Fault log when he has passed it over coz then I can log it off.
....................................................................................

Well, I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.

What I wouldn’t give to work with professionals. Or just "Not Mongs" would be nice.

Innit….

Those Cunts at "Stomp!"

Yesterday I briefly mentioned “stomp”, and since then I have been unable to stop getting really angry about them, all the time.

I think it’s the self-righteous, smug, superior attitude of the fuckers which makes me want to set fire to their tour bus whilst they are in it.

Bunch of trustafarian wankers… I bet if you asked them what the fuck they thought they were playing at they would probably say something like:

“Yeah, what we’re trying to do is break out of “Normal” styles and rules of rhythm and dance, and trying to find our own “expression space” using an organic throughput of non traditional musical synergies”

No you’re not, you cunt-you’re fucking hitting a dustbin lid whilst fucking tap dancing. That’s not clever or original-fucking “Top Cat” used to do that, and he never went on “Blue Peter” did he?

Anyway-it looks like they are auditioning for new members-anyone fancy going along?

Edit-against my better judgement i have just looked at their website-it's full of the kind of shit I just made up above. fucking unbelievable...

Twee fucking hippy bollocks

Let me demonstrate what I mean by this…

Do you know what music is? Music can be many things to different people-to some it can be dizzying and inspiring scales of Bach’s toccata and fugue in D minor, to others it can be the thundering emotions of Wagner, and for some it can be the snarling rage of motorhead or the sheer Italian bizarreness of Dean Martin. It can be all things to all men...

One thing however it definitely isn’t is lots of fucking hippies hitting dustbins with wooden spoons-in other words it’s not those cunts at "Stomp" . That’s not music and it never will be- Make no mistake, its absolute fucking shit and it always, always, always will be…

Which brings me, by an admittedly rather roundabout discussion of the arts that Melvyn Bragg would have been proud of, to:

this stupid bitch

I defy any right minded person to read this website without becoming angry. I am literally absolutely speechless with contempt after reading it.

I can’t actually write anymore, I’m that angry…

Bloody Cheeky Bastards

Do you ever get this from idiots:

“Will you sponsor me to go surfing in Australia?”

“Me and my mates are going to hitch hike to Amsterdam to raise money for Lithuanian orphans”

Oh really? Are you sure you’re not just doing that because it sounds like it might be a fucking good laugh?

I’d like to be sponsored to hit people really fucking hard in the face with frying pan (I don’t care which charity-I just really, really want to do it), unfortunately I realise it’s just not going to happen....

Does anyone else getting really fucking annoyed with sponsoring people to do things that are fun?

“I’m doing a sponsored driving a fast car whilst getting my cock sucked for Children in Need…” Great, here’s £20… I don’t fucking think…. You’re going to have to come up with something better than that sunshine, you’re getting me angry.

If I’m going to hand over some cash I at least want you to do something difficult and preferably really unpleasant-what’s wrong with a long run for Christ’s sake?. I’m not Jimmy “Cunt” Saville-I’m not fucking interested in helping you realise your life-long dream of swimming with cocking dolphins.

You could try being original as well-I’ll happily hand over a fiver if you tell me you’re going to be set on fire in order to raise money for an owl sanctuary or something…

If you’re that fucking kind hearted why don't you stay at home and donate the plane fare to charity instead?

I remember when Glastonbury was all fields....

I watched with great interest the BBC coverage of the Glastonbury festival, however I think it is indicative of something that most of it seemed to be done by Phil Jupitus, from atop some kind of tented canopy high above the masses. Indicative of what I’m not exactly sure, other than that perhaps Phil Jupitus has fantasies that he is Tina Turner in “Mad Max 3 - Beyond Thunderdome”… *

Glastonbury has not been the same since Michael Eavis built that 80 foot high fence patrolled with Robot Guard Dogs that spit killer bees and wee tear gas, and then required everyone who fancied going send in a stool sample, their little finger and a contract signed in their own blood before they could get a fucking ticket. I thought he might have sold out a bit there, the creepy little fucking gnome twat.

Anyway, I was very pleased to see that it was all very, very muddy and looked thoroughly unpleasant for all the young people who were there, the horrible posh little shits… I didn’t watch much of the footage of the bands to be honest, as even when I go to Glastonbury I tend to go out of my way to avoid seeing bands wherever possible. Who the fuck wants to stand in a field full of people who like fucking Moby? Where’s the sense in that? They're all a pack of cunts, so I'll be in the beer tent, thank you very much...

I’d rather watch some hippies juggling fire or something. There’s always the chance they won’t be very good at it and there could be a spectacular accident. Generally what I really used to like to do was spend 6 days wearing the same pair of trousers whilst sat in a puddle with a nice warm can of Stella, completely ripped to the tits and wizzing my fucking face off. Golden years, golden years…. I think I'd probably be dead now if I tried that...

I did however enjoy Amy Winehouse’s set, which is surprising, as if in real life I was to see a clearly pissed, very untidy looking woman with missing teeth and badly done tattoos alternating between singing and muttering under her breath I would normally cross to road to avoid them, rather than sitting down to enjoy it with a nice cup of tea.

edit-I've been thinking about this a lot since originally posting - normally my biggest(only) problems with Glastonbury were: a) Twats and b) Sunburn. This could all have been rectified so easily by supplying each festival goer with sun hat and a handgun...

* That wouldn't surprise anyone would it? the fucking freak...

Poor White Trash...

Saw this earlier: http://news.bbc.co.uk/filthydolescum I strongly advise you to download and view the actual report as well. It made me go all Victorian and angry…

It makes me want to grow big bushy sideburns, don a waistcoat and suit, gain 5 stone and stand up and shout in a thundering Rhodes Boysenesque voice: “By God Boy, pull yourself up by damn bootstraps, or I’ll give you something to complain about!!”

The gist of this article isn’t of course about the difference between the relative performance of people from different ethnic backgrounds, or even the difference between “rich” and “poor”. It’s about people who give a fuck about themselves, their families and their futures and people who, it seems, really don’t.

Apparently the government has pledged1 billion pounds on rectifying this situation… well, that’s going to pay for a lot of alcopops, smack and tracksuits isn’t it? Would it not be easier (and in some ways so very much kinder) in the long run just to have a controlled cull? And I’m all for putting subliminal messages in the “Jeremy Kyle” show telling them to overdose as well. Every little bit helps

1 Billion pounds!-that works out at about 17K per person ( or possibly only 1.7K, as my maths is not very good, but quite frankly I’m tempted to go all out “Daily Mail” on this one and make as much fuss as possible).

Surely this could be spent in better ways than by throwing money at people who really don’t add a great deal to the welfare of the country? Why not just invest in education as a whole? Surely that’s better for the country?

Interesting fact people-The World does not in fact owe you a fucking living, and despite the fact that everyone in your family since your great-great-great granddad has lived on benefits (admittedly as you all breed like fucking rabbits this has only been since 1976) this doesn’t mean that you have a “right” to them. And don’t start blaming “bloody immigrants” for your failure either, because that really doesn’t fucking wash with anyone anymore… this country has more opportunities for everyone than ever before, and no one is “taking your jobs”-you just can't be arsed doing any.

I’m aware this is beginning to sound like a rather peculiar right wing and aggrieved rant… Which it is…and I’m more than happy to be considered “Nazi with a small “n””- but just so you know, my family has gone from Coal Miners to Surgeons in three generations-this is a source of great pride and has had nothing to do with wealth and economic background and absolutely everything to do with actually giving a fuck and investing in the future.

Just I case you think I’m going a bit far in suggesting the complete and utter eradication of a section of the population please read the comments below from “Danielle” regarding this issue, which she so kindly submitted to the BBC (although I suspect she was actually meaning to text Big Brother, but got so caught up in the moment whilst fucking a close male relative she sent it to the wrong address). I have copied it in its entirety:

“The amount of allegations there are regarding racism in the uk at the moment, but yet we are allowed to put down white people. THAT IS RACISM. I am a white female and I feel hurt that people can discriminate the knowledge of a person because of they're race. Statistics are not everything. Only because we are white DOES NOT mean we are thick!”

Thank you Danielle-your ill conceived socio-political views presented in such a simple, brutish and quite frankly shit fucking thick form has done far, far more toward convincing those people who would otherwise still be “on the fence” regarding my proposition than any of my arguments could ever have done...

How many emails have you had?

“How many emails have you had?”

“I’ve had 42 since 10.14 this morning…”

“Oh well, I’ve had 68 since 10.32 this morning-that makes me approx 30% more important than you in this shitty little microcosm of the world we call “The Workplace”.

How fucking stupid are these people anyway? “Ohhhh-I’ve got soooo many emails to get through before my meeting with Terry Fuckflaps from accounts…”

Well, fucking ignore them then. You’ll soon find out if they were important…

50% of them will be “FYI” (i.e. probably either from some keen young fucker who thinks this is a better way to show just how clever they are and how much work they have been doing than standing up in their shiny new suit and shouting “look at me, look at me, I did a poo on my own!!” which is what they did the last time anyone was even remotely interested in their progress as a human being or from someone who does so little every day they have forward every email they receive because they think this is “work” )

25 % will be of absolutely no interest at all. To anyone. Ever

At least one will be from an irate person mailing the entire company asking “could the person in the black astra please move their fucking car (again) as you’ve blocked me in (again), Thanks (you cunt)” or words to that effect.

There will be one from an exciting sounding Russian lady who apparently “want be good friend with western man, maybe more, who know? Please mail for fun and bum-tricks xxx Olga xxx” and a few adverts for Mexican Viagra.

There will also be a few Powerpoint screen shows with kittens and quotes from the Dalai llama and the very fucking worst and antiquated clip art the web has to offer forwarded to everyone from stupid, stupid blonde girls with a tattoos on their lower backs and WKD hangovers (and we all know there’s simply nothing sexier in the office first thing in the morning than a fat bleach-blonde girl in Primark leggings and too much makeup who smells like old Irn Bru and stale Lambert and Butler).

Oh, yes, and someone from admin will have sent round a new “procedure” (complete with flow charts) that tells us how we are now supposed to go about ordering a fucking pie from the works canteen.

You know how I’ve spent my morning, Mr/Ms Toomanyemailsooohicantcope? By cleaning up all your shit, you lazy, useless, incompetent little cocksucker…

Welcome to the Daily Hate

You know those sub mongoliod idiots you have to share an office with? The ones where you just want to smash their bones open with rocks and then suck out the marrow? Just so you could get back the energy you wasted on them? Yes, those are the ones…

The ones that site in the corner of the office blankly staring at PC screen, with one fat paw permanently stuffed into a pack or Doritos never doing a fucking thing, too damn useless to even be a hindrance…*

Well, Just for the record I hate those Cunts…

On an unrelated note did anyone witness the storm last night?

I believe it was a harbinger of the end times… RAPTURE is coming…

There are still places left in our bunker whilst we prepare for the New World-will you join us for the final battle against Satan?

(You’ll have to bring your own sleeping bags, canned food and shotguns though)

* I have been watching the person in question closely and now believe them to be writing some kind of awful erotic fan fiction about "Midsomer Murders" and "Eastenders".

I can see her glasses steaming up as she types "DCI Barnaby thrust his hot throbbing cock deep into Pat Butchers arse..." The filthy cow...